Big Yeller Button

the rain's blowing sideways outside...

2012-01-22T11:51:00.005-08:00

I want a trip. To Hawaii and sunshine.

I am loved, I am comforted, I am supported completely in every way.
I am beautiful, I am strong, I am full of deep wisdom.
I have endless resources at my disposal.

There. I don't know what to write, and I just kept writing about the thing in my relationship with Shawn that is bursting out right now, but I will NOT post that because it's heavy and I really need my own journal with which to vent such things. Plus I do not want to be immersing myself in what is WRONG right now, but what is right and what I want. So I posted the above lovely affirmations! Here's some more.

I am bright and lovely and full of grace.
Into my heart flows an eternal spring of joy!

Here's some things in my life right now that I love:
the close communion with wilderness
my sisters
I have a super easy job - that's pretty awesome
my hair and my smile and my skin and my whole physical body. It's strong and young and healthy and works pretty perfectly! heh.heh.heh.
my fluffy polka-dot robe that 'fub got me (whatever would I do without it)
my fluffy purring most lovely of cat companions
support from Shawn in all my endeavours
being able to phone and talk to 'fub for free anytime I want
the sound of rain outside my window in the morning and at night
my stove top coffee maker
there are people in my life who enjoy my company and that is nothing to sneeze at
the people in my life who's company I genuinely enjoy

I'll leave it there for now.

vivacious intensity

2012-01-20T11:23:00.002-08:00

Overnight, the snow magically disappeared (not that we ever had more than 3 quarters of an inch), and here in Tofino we are back to our usual Rain. The wind blew some warm South-west breath our way, and melted the ice. I know about the way the wind affects the weather thanks to Shawn continually talking about such things in relation to surfing. When one wants to know what the surf is up to, which direction the wind is coming in at is always a factor.

I just bought a pile of clothes! Having money is really fun. I bought a long drippy open cardigan, an awesome sweater-style form-fitting shirt with (the Piece-de-resistance) an open back! I am a fan of things that show back. Also I bought a pair of leggings, much nicer ones than the ones I currently have. And the cutest little cream floral skirt, soft and flow-y but short, with two front pockets. I DO love clothing.

At my current abode you step outside and get the feeling that, aside from an island of houses clustered together, you are in the middle of wild wilderness. Around the houses, trees stretch out in every direction. Between my current abode and the mud flats (where wolves and cougars and eagles and heron and swans and otters abound) is only 15 feet of forest. A bear trail comes out of the forest from the mud flats right into my current yard. May it always, ALWAYS be that way! Not just the bear trail, all of it! haha.

Me and Shawn are house-shopping. For our dream home. Why not? When you know what you want, why spend your energy energizing anything else, I ask?

fairy-land

2012-01-15T11:52:00.002-08:00

It snowed just enough yesterday for every branch of every tree to be edged and laced in white. Now today the sun is shining and making the whole world glittery and airy. I'm blessed to live among magnificent arching trees that give one a sense of the hugeness of space and life. There's just something about a northern pine with it's soaring branches flung out, catching the sunlight, that makes you feel free and exhilarated just by noticing it.

I love mornings! They are my favourite time of day. The deep quiet calm feeling, the freshness of it being brand new, the steaming pot of tea or cup of coffee (the sight of steam rising from something in the morning...what is it about that?) and...breakfasts!!! I love all kinds of breakfasts. Warm, nourishing ones (oatmeal or some other type of hot cereal), the deluxe Sunday morning style of breakfast with 3 kinds of juice, pancakes, bacon, eggs, hash browns, biscuits, crescents and fruit (you get the idea)...I JUST LOVE THEM. I didn't plan on caps lock being on just then, but I think it's fitting so I'll leave it!

I don't know what to write about, so I'm just randomly writing about what I like. When I get a computer at home I'll post pictures on days like today when I don't know what to write about. Right now I'd probably put a pic or two in of my fluffy cat companion (these days her main nickname is "Bunnit". It changes often, but she always knows when I'm talking to her). I bought myself a pair of earrings for the first time in like.........YEARS. A flat copper circle and hanging just in front of and lying flat against is a small silver feather. Very pretty. I am into buying my own jewelery these days, I never really have - aside from fakey cheap stuff. Ramble ramble ramble. I'll stop before this gets too meandering.

snow fluff: snoff

2012-01-14T12:31:00.001-08:00

It's snowing!!! Fluffy flakes have been bravely persevering since after breakfast (which was, since you asked, lovely chewy steel-cut oatmeal, the best kind!). There is not yet a blanket on the ground but I have high hopes. High hopes of a crunchy, magical snow-walk tonight after work!

Yesterday I excitedly bought dandelion root tincture at the health food store. I can afford things like this! Isn't that lovely? I think it is. Whole and healthy friends that let you eat them - that's what dandelions are. They just sit there in their sunny little corners nodding fluffy golden heads saying "eat me! I'll whole-heartedly give you good health!" really, that's what they say. They are very eager and willing to help us humans. That's why they follow us around! I think it's nice when your company is sought by a friend.

Dandelions. That's a very summery thought for such a snowy day.

I bought myself a scarf the other day - soft and blue (ocean in October blue) with gold rope n' anchors on it. Not actual rope and anchors. It's so soft and warm and comfortable around my neck! I've never been much of a scarf girl before, despite what odd idea some of my sisters might have come up with, but I'm a convert now! And the store I work in just happens to be full of scarves. Yay.

I've decided to become an energy healer. There, now it's official, and everyone who reads my blog knows it. I've always felt a natural healing impulse in my hands when they hover over a wounded area. Think that sounds weird? Or felt it too? I bet a lot of you have felt it too. I imagine it's especially common for women to notice this. Anyways, a while back I was speaking of having no passion in one area or the other...nothing clear enough for me to take direction. Well, now I have uncovered, if you will, a passion. It is, obviously as I said, to become an energy healer, with my own clinic. So mabey y'all could help me out by picturing me attaining this dream!

It's not like I have no passion, I don't want anyone to misunderstand. I often become passionately interested in things, and that is part of the problem. When so many things interest you, which do you choose? Energy healing seems like an integration of a few passions of mine. It feels very "spot-on" too for me...ya know. There's a 'rightness' feeling, if you will.

rain-kissed

2012-01-08T14:33:00.003-08:00

We are in the middle of a deluge of rain here in Tofino...non-stop sheets of water coming down from the sky. I quite love the sound outside my window. I love the rain, all together. It feels like a blessing, how abundant and life-giving it is. My attitude towards rain has taken a complete turn around since moving here. Rain doesn't depress me anymore. When I tune into it, it is very peaceful. I love it.

I am going to share something with y'all - a continuation of the ever on-going journey of Amy. I learned a life-thing the other day. A life-changing thing. It took 25 and a half years of living for me to grasp this one thing, so as you can guess, it is no less than Monumental that I HAVE learned it! I bet you're wondering what it is. It's gratitude. That's right. Gratitude is a Secret to living Life, and I never knew how to generate feelings of it. I know, I was taught how to pray before I can even remember...and praying is a formula which involves gratitude (now I know why!)...but when I was a child I interpreted the gratitude part as a "should" thing. Think of all the things you SHOULD be grateful for...in my view, there was guilt attached to the word gratitude somehow. Like these are all the things I should be grateful for but really in my life I totally forget about those things I'm thanking for and it's not authentic. "Should" - such a simple concept, but totally and completely life-changing. So, these days I am making a large effort to utilize positive thinking (I got The Secret book for Christmas), and of course a big one for that, is making gratitude lists and remembering to be grateful every day. Well, I started, and I've started things like that before, but gratitude lists have always frustrated me because they didn't actually work for me...they didn't make me feel the feelings of gratitude, like I said. But I just kept asking for my eyes to be opened and what not to things I am grateful for, and I kept plugging away at it, and the other day I was doing this, feeling frustrated, and it just came to me. I'm doing it wrong! OHHHH YES! First I look inside and remember when I feel good, or joyful, and THEN I thank. So I did that, and things started pouring out of me. Simple things, like refreshing rain on my face and wind in my hair. Swimming in clear blue lakes or the salty invigorating ocean. Sunsets. I mean, it was revolutionary for me. As I wrote I had a realization. Remembering the things that make you feel joy reminds you of how easy and simple it is to enjoy life. And THAT realization makes you feel good on it's own. And remembering the things that make you feel good puts you in a good mood. It lifts your spirits...I believe, in the case of Prayer, that the gratitude part is meant to literally change your energy frequency higher, and so then whatever you ask for and want to manifest in your life is more powerful. Because you can't manifest the good that you want if you are not feeling good feelings.

Oh! By the WAY...I am going to be shortly starting a new blog, one about my personal spiritual journey to help other people in similar situations.

Christmas

2011-12-26T16:31:00.002-08:00

I wish I didn't write what I did on my last post. It's not how I truly feel, it was only a passing mood. Why must I always write things I regret like that? It's a tick. It's a matter of being conscious while I write and having a clear idea of what I want to communicate, which I rarely do... I didn't read any one's comments before I deleted the post, because I'm sure they would only have embarrassed me more.

Since I wrote last, I have had many an uplifting and revitalizing experience - almost as if to prove to myself how wrong I had been in putting myself down. I have been progressing in meditating since I started to finally count my breath. Nothing else has been so successful in holding my attention for extended periods. So I've been able to have extended periods of revitalizing meditation often during the day - especially at work, where it has been most of the time very slow. The effect has been golden and magical. When I'm tired at work, I picture being bathed in brilliant light, the whole room being bathed in it, and myself breathing it in. It gives me a beautiful energy and keeps me from getting drained..in fact, my interactions with people are much more open, relaxed, natural and grounded...and I feel buoyant. Yay meditation. :D

On to Christmas! It was exceedingly stormy on Christmas Eve. The rain was 'sheeting', if you will. At work it was really dead. The girl who was working the adventure tours half of the building told me I could leave anytime i wanted because it was so dead and she knew that I had to drive over the summit. (Another thing I've noticed with meditating more like I have been, is that fortuitous events seem to happen way more often!) So, just like that I went from having to work until 5:30, to getting to leave at 2. It set the tone for an exciting Christmas to be set suddenly free like that. So Shawn came and got me and we were on our way within half an hour. The roads were dry and empty. Right at the summit of Sutton pass, someone had gone out of their way to place reindeer at random intervals at the sides of the highway. One was out in the middle of a swamp, one was up in a tree, etc. By the time we had reached Cathedral Grove it was twilight, and the empty roads gave a definite magical, Christmas Eve-y feel to the air.

We stopped in Parksville to drop off our Furry Bun, (the one with the striped orange tail)change, and grab a quick bite of Christmas Eve Tortiere. Shawn's parent's house was all lit up and festive and the mood was celebratory. They hadn't been expecting us nearly so soon, because Shawn hadn't let them know I had been let off. Meanwhile, Shawn was nervous because I had just told him about the candle ceremony, and he was picturing caroling door-to-door at strangers' houses. haha...er, NO. I am quite glad we don't carol that way...anyways, he did find out, just as I told him, that it all was not such a big deal. And the feeling is always so special when we do the candle ceremony, most people always end up sharing something, even if they're shy. My favourite moment was Elizabeth's exuberant outburst when she had the candle. And the Mudsy song, of course. Mom does not understand that it's perfect every time she sings it.

Back in Pville after all that, (which, I can't forget to mention how tasty the 'rogies that Stott made were)me and Shawn sat around the table and talked with France, his mom, who was up drinking some chamomile tea to help her stomach for awhile until she went to bed, and then we finished wrapping presents. I only had one to wrap, which I did as fast as possible, and then I threw myself into bed and was passed out in seconds.

The next thing, it was Christmas morning. Me and Shawn cuddled in bed for awhile, hearing his parents moving about making coffee and things in the kitchen. It was still dark out when we made our entrance into the kitchen for our own cups of coffee.
We drank our coffee and talked and the mood was high. Shawn rearranged the living room so that the love seat faced the couch with the coffee table in between, so we could all face each other. In his family, they take turns wearing the Santa hat - whoever wears it, passes out the presents. This year it was France. Both me and Shawn got very spoiled...I feel as if I especially did. Shawn's parents got me a HUGE amount of brushes...of all shapes and sizes. I will never have to buy brushes, ever again. I got beautiful clothes this year as well, an abundance of them. Shawn's parents got us a new duvet and duvet cover, which we were in desperate need of. Shawn got me the most lovely bracelet with bronze-y fresh water pearls, and a cute necklace of blue and turquoise glass beads, and a luscious sweater, and the cutest shirt of purple, with a boat neck and dandelions on it, who's stems look like dancing silhouettes of women. I also got a herbal bible from Shawn's parents...and a lot more that would probably bore people to tears to read, if I listed it all. I must mention the present that Laura got me and Shawn though, two super cute shirts,an awesome leather braided bracelet, a Christmassy egg of spearmint chapstick, and (for Shawn) The Charlie Brown Christmas..soundtrack AND the movie! This totally ended up being the theme underlying our Christmas day. We listened to it while opening presents, and during dinner, and in between we watched the movie. It was my first time watching the movie and I LOVED it.

I was only able to afford a few things for Shawn...some sturdy but fluffy slippers - the kind you can step outside in - and surf gloves which he was in desperate need of. He was super stolked, which, actually, he is the most true-hearted gift receiver I have ever met. It does not matter if you paint him a picture, get him something super pratical and necessary (in other words, boring) or spend a lot of money on something "nice" - he makes you feel so good for whatever it is. He has taught me a lot about love, and being loving. Shucks...

It was such a beautiful Christmas this year. To have Mudsy n' Pops back for it was special. I am so happy to have lived and taken part in it.

2011-12-03T15:38:00.002-08:00

Last night I fell asleep early and then woke up at around midnight, unable to fall back asleep right away. So I was just lying there, when suddenly I heard commotion outside the opened window beside the bed, like scraping on frozen ground. So I got up to investigate. Peeking out between the curtains, I saw a stag standing still about 5 feet from me. There was a skittish doe scraping the ground and skittering around him, and he was obviously staying still and alert in order to guard her. It was so beautiful to see them so upclose, I felt special.

Me and Shawn got a tree today from the U-cut farm in Whiskey Creek. We tromped around for an hour and a half inspecting various "balls" (one of the shapes of tree we were looking for) and spruce-like trees, before we saw the perfect one. It really was one of the moments where you instantaneously know it's THE tree. That doesn't always happen. She "sang" to us. Shawn thought she looked more vivid than the other trees, and to ME she kind of shimmered and gave the definite impression that she was a lady-princess tree. Laugh if you must, but that's what happened.

Back home in Tofino...in mine and Shawn's new little cave, life moves prettty slowly. I got a job right in the nick of time in order to pay rent, but as it turns out, I won't get a substantial paycheck from it until the 1st of January. My "Christmas fund" paycheck will only comprise of two shifts. No, I am not prepared with any sort of cushion. With gardening this year, I didn't make enough for putting any sort of money away at all. So...this Christmas is going to be very simple for me. And I like that. I have no money to buy presents, so I don't even have presents to worry about, and can concentrate on the festiveness of the season! That's the plan, anyways. I'm thinking festive feasts and mulled wine and home-made eggnog. Decorations, popcorn and movies, crisp walks to look at the lights. Puzzles and card-writings and hot chocolate at night. Knitting scarves!! Ok, I could go on but I think I conveyed the jist.

On another note, I've never felt so poor. And although I'd rather have money, I can see the lessons of this period and I respect them. I mean, it's forced Shawn and I to cut completely our frivolous spending. Which is a hard habit to break when you have the money. Now, when we have money again we're already cured of the frivolous spending rut. If we're mindful about it. Which will help us save so much money, which will help us reach some of our goals. It's almost as if we intuitively created this situation because we knew it would take us where we want to go. Which only makes sense. Anyways, I'm being anti-social and must go.

I am sitting on a chair.

2011-12-02T13:29:00.002-08:00

Why do not we keep in touch?

In real touch?

Anyways, since the age of 23, I started feeling these flashes of urgency. Most of the time I'd feel them while I was walking to downtown Victoria (which was an almost daily thing). All of a sudden I could perceive in clarity the endless repeating rut of escapism habits that was my day-to-day life, and it would leave me with a panicked feeling. (I think it was the start of me feeling my Saturn return!! In fact I'm sure of it. Astrology - if you don't know what a Saturn return is, look it up)

Around the time of turning 24, I was having a lot of trouble sleeping at night. The anxiety was becoming more and more persistent. It manifested itself as endless stabs (of anxiety) at night, turning my mind to think of anxiety-inducing things, but it was the over-all feeling of anxiety that produced these thoughts. And then one night I fixated on something that calmed me down all at once. I had followed the feeling of anxiety to it's core: my life, wasting away entirely un-lived. Tofino flashed into my mind, how I felt so drawn to it and how I couldn't let go of the desire to live there. I suddenly understood that following this desire was totally legitimately connected to living life fully. If it's a passion of mine to live close to nature, and in the most beautiful place I've ever seen, then living my whole life in the city wouldn't make sense. Why would I do that? Following your passion - I like that better than "desire". Although Joseph Campbell says it best with "follow your bliss". The fact that I felt so strongly about Tofino, and that there wasn't anything else I felt so strongly about in my life, all of a sudden gave me clear direction.

Recently (after reading the "Celestine Prophecy" books) I've been inspired to look at my life as one long story, looking at patterns and major events. And of course what was immediately evident was how aimless and without purpose I have been. I've been unconsciously wandering around, looking for a purpose...and when I couldn't find anything that produced enough drive, passion, motivation etc needed to become real I finally landed on this: My ultimate goal is to have my own piece of land and to be self-sufficient on it so that I can have free time. Free time basically became my ultimate goal. "free time". I think that ultimate goal was the product of a life void of mystery and magic. An un-mystical, un-magical, un-compassionate world is too exhausting and discouraging and dead and gray to live in. I only wanted a haven from it.

Since moving to Tofino, it has really moved me into what I think of as the 'stream' or 'flow'. I know this because personal stagnation and the ruts I've been hiding in, all are slowly changing. And the tools for helping me to do this have appeared as gifts from the new people I've been meeting since I followed my "bliss". (I'm going to stop with the quotations now). They've just come to me, naturally. Since I've been here, I've been awakening to the fact that this place is even more special than I thought before. It is so rare to have any virgin forests left with 1000 year old trees in them (it's rare for there to be 500 year old trees together in any number!). And what's more, so many people are drawn to this area, from all over the world. I believe there's a reason for this! And I'm beginning to see that it must have been part of my purpose (what I wanted to do in this lifetime...accomplish, contribute)to keep these pure places from being destroyed. Just like all the people that are drawn to live here, or visit repeatedly..people that just can't stay away, because (I think) they are addicted to the energy of these whole places. It becomes really important to them that these places are preserved so that we can continue to enjoy them and experience them (in no other place is it as easy to have a spiritual experience than in untarnished, whole, natural places). So many people are drawn to this place (I think) because the more people that experience this truth for themselves, the more of a force will build up of people who will feel passionately about protecting it.

So...following my bliss started me on a path that has eventually changed my view of my life from THIS: "there's no specific purpose for my being alive, all I need to do is to make myself as comfortable as possible so that I can enjoy life"

to THIS: "I have a purpose, a reason I came to this earthly dimension - something only my life is capable of contributing, and I need to find what it is!"

So, that's pretty good...I'd say...

This post is so serious-sounding because I feel seriously about this, I'm sorry if it translates into arrogance...I'm always unconsciously wanted to sound grown-up so that the older ones in my fam (...oh wait, that's EVERYONE) will take me seriously. :D Youngest child syndrome.

knife edge

2011-10-22T16:13:00.002-07:00

Life is changeful and upheavalish right now. Unpredictable and shake-you-up feeling.

Me and Shawn found a basement suite in what's called 'vinyl village' (a few residential streets that are privately owned and so houses are built crazily close together in some areas. the whole thing started with some vinyl houses so that's why it's called that). The house our suite is in is a beautiful aged wood home, and our suite is tucked in around back and feels nice and private. For the most part. It has big windows but still is dark as it faces directly into wild forest. I like looking at wild forest out my window, though. We are missing a few essentials, but for the most part are set up. fluffy bun (Eastre) feels terrorized by all the cats she sees roaming about out the window. She's slowly settling in though.

Before we were able to move in, because we had to wait 2 weeks for reno's, we ended up staying in a cabin right on the water. It was on the property that one of our gardening customers takes care of, and she rescued us by letting us stay there and pay for it by some free work around the property. It's such a beautiful little private corner, soo beautiful, set on a point that allowes you to see all of Clay-o-quat sound, as well as a view up Lemmon's Inlet. The cabin was tiny and even more so with our moving boxes piled all around, but I was on this huge domestic kick and kept it clean and organized. It helped that one entire wall looked out to the water. Also on the property was the old original fish cannery building, painted a bright red. Upstairs it has been converted to a suite and it's unbelievable. I have since been dreaming of a way to live there. I am obsessed these days with finding a home. The Cancer coming out in me. It's my greatest egoic desire. a peice of land or a house to own and make a home.

2011-09-20T17:22:00.000-07:00

New favourite song: "wait for summer" by Yesayer. Hi. I'm at my new job, and there's internet available here some of the time...well it's always available, but I am usually not available - I'm usually downstairs renting movies off! 'Cause that's what I do now, part time - me and Shawn both got a job here at the movie store. This week only, while the owner is gone, me and Shawn are covering for him at both the movie store and a coffee shop he also owns in a quiet little corner of town. It's out of the way, tucked in a gravel lot in an industrial-style building...(the coffee shop). So what's been happening this week (and it's been quite a 'stretch' if you will) is I wake up early for the coffee shop, get off at 12 and then come here to the movie shop and work until Shawn finishes with all the gardening stuff, which he's obviously taking on by himself this week. Then I go home missing a Fubman fiercely, as I have all day (hardly being able to see him). I putter around doing much needed chores and packing things up. Then Shawn comes home at 9, we hang out for about 45 minutes and fall dead asleep. Not having much free time is hard on me. I much prefer to move slowly, at a calm, peaceful pace. Time to pause (for whole days, if need be) and smell the air and enjoy yourself doing nothing much. A life full of work has never been my ideal. this is only temporary though. After this week it will go back to me and Shawn taking turns working nights at the movie store, and working together in the garden for the morning.

I love working at the coffee shop. It's such a peaceful location, and I am almost always alone there, in a very sweet silence. Time to practice and do Inner World homework, such as breathing into the myriad of emotions one is subject to most days. Or draw. And there's a record player playing Bonobo (but when I'm alone I just keep it off), and two sweet dogs who come and hang out by the door waiting for me to throw them a ball or stick...they have never-ending faith in me that I'll come out and play, even though I never really do. The ceiling is high, the floor is simple cement, and there's a huge pile of burlap-sacked coffee that serves as the comfiest seat ever. Red clover grows everywhere in the lot, and I've been picking it and drinking the blossoms in an infusion. Also, I loooove making espresso drinks. I thought I'd have lost my skillz, but that is not the case. Fluffy cappuccinos are so much fun to make. And my boss keeps it simple. He roasts his own beans, right in the shop, and keeps nothing but straight-up espresso supplies - nothing like syrups or chocolate. He doesn't even have decaff. Anyways, it's been really cool working there and I'm actually going to miss that.

A storm is coming. The sun has been shining cheerfully for the past week, but our last little gleam of summer is for sure at an end now. The mornings are shivery.

Oh! I can't beleive I almost forgot the next bit of news. Me and Shawn are leaving the vortex of stress and resentment that is also called having Tovah and Quincy as landlords and dealing with their stupid vacation rental. We found a new place!!! It's a basement suite, but it's super cozy and private, at the back of a beeeautiful home, with a private outdoor covered area. I can't wait to leave the place we're in now. Only because of Tn'Q.

Can anyone relate to watching in your relationships as startling dysfuncion rises up? Seemingly out of the blue, a force that seems to take you over and turn you into a snarling beast? Well, I've come to realize after watching the exact same issues come up with Shawn as came up with Andreas (things that I upset myself over) that the pain I was contributing to my partner actually originated in myself, and that I, Amy, was bringing it up over and over. creating the same situation. Me and Shawn have also learned a lot together since last winter about pain-bodies, and our goal is to heal this dysfunction in our particular relationship. I am saying this in case anyone relates, because I happen to believe that men and women exhibiting healed and whole relationships will go a long way towards healing the dysfunction in the whole world.

Since I'm in the mood for sharing, I'll go right on ahead on that same bent. I have discovered some words that I use as tools whenever a fear of something (usually a creature I think will hurt me) starts to take me over. (this happens with spiders in the garden ALL THE TIME.) First I'll send the fat little spider, or furiously wriggling earwig, a 'breath message'. If anyone else has learned from Andrea's friend Bozenka, they'll know what that is. In action, it's just what it sounds like: I picture the creature or say it outloud, and then breathe. Then I know that I've sent the creature love, and something miraculous happens: my fear is gone, and replaced immediately with love. Plus I actually notice the creatures I'm so afraid of, enough to see the silver sparkly lines on the spider's back and be able to see the beauty of it surrounded by the garden landscape. Anyways, after the breath message I'll say "I'm not afraid of you, because You are God." - this sentence I'm sure came to me from a wise place, because whenever I say it I'm reminded in a way that's beyond words of the fact that God is in every thing, and nothing that 'happens to' me...isn't of God...if I just allow that to be. And that I'm connected to every thing too. The same life force breathes life into that spider, that breathes life into me. That Life Force is what I think of as God. (not a Man - which is only one half of a whole - who lives outside of me somewhere. That concept never held the power to touch my heart) I cannot quite articulate everything that is conveyed to me in that sentence...but it works for me very well! Especially with spiders. And my edginess when I think of cougars (there's been a crazy number of sightings around here this year). Maybe I've made you a titch uncomfortable with this personal post - but that's ok, because this is me!!! And I'm your sister and you deserve to know who I am! :D

She's like a river that never runs dry

2011-08-10T10:20:00.002-07:00

I have just read up on a few blogs and feel so full of inspiration from reading them all that I'm just BURSTING to write. Life is so wonderful and mysterious with all it's connections! I will leave that statement to speak for itself - it needs no justification/explanation.

Aaanyways. Here in Parksville again. Back in Tofino there are no jobs to be done, no gardens that need weeding or lawns that need mowing. So we have free time. About the business, I have about 3 places that I go to per week. One of them is a huge property across from the beach, owned by this awesome couple, Jill and Lara. They have endless projects for me (Shawn mainly just weedwacks. Boring, but it's what he likes and I don't like), which mainly consist of extracting plants from the ever-pervasive salmon berry. Yesterday I created a little garden bed around a wisteria plant, and surrounded it with a rock border. You have no idea how much fun I have doing things like this. It is so fulfilling to see what you have done, it's such a lovely liberating feeling having some artistic liscence in a garden with NO BOSS, and the projects almost always keep me interested. I love putting quality in the simplest of jobs, and I can do this like never before, with no un-just employer breathing down my back. I also love the IDEA...of my job being all about making things nice, pleasing and beautiful for people to look at. That's the purpose of my job! To make the world more beautiful for others to see. I love being a part of that.

We are not exactly rollin' in it, but I think we've done very well for our first season. Next season will be more organized for sure. A calendar..for one thing, would be nice.
I'm going to have to get an extra job on the side though I believe almost immediately...rent has sort of stopped coming to me on time. Not enough weekly return jobs...too many one-time projects. Shawn's got it good, with all his lawns to mow, but people are more stingy with their gardens it seems.

Last winter was so lovely and healing, what with not having to work...and I'm girdin' up my 'loins', if you will, for a working winter this year. Last year was a gift.

The Piper piping

2011-07-31T08:54:00.003-07:00

I went to Piper's Lagoon yesterday. It wasn't quite how I would have ideally planned it (I wanted to make sure the tide would be full in) - but we had a schedule, in which we needed to get some things done in Nanaimo and then be back in Parksville at a certain time, so that's the way things needed to be! And as it turned out, the tide was low, but not the super low tide I was dreading - still swimmable low if you don't mind skirting the huge patches of seaweed.

The wind was up and churning the water into white caps, and it had blown some insubstantial cloud-fluff over the sun right as we got there, so it was a grey-green, choppy, moody ocean experience. Shawn didn't believe I would actually go swimming, but by the time I'd stripped down into my 'suit', and started carefully picking my way down to the water, he seemed to resign himself to the fact that I was going to indeed do it, and had prepared himself to follow me in. (cold water surfers: you'd think they'd have more balls, seeing as how they plunge themselves willingly into freezing cold water all throughout the winter months, but...no. Take away the wetsuit and they're helpless). Shawn told me a story about crabs hanging out in seaweed and something he'd seen to that effect that hightened my seaweed sensitivity to the point that I'd yelp and jump everytime I stepped on a slimy patch. The ferry went by and I remembered loving the ferry wake bumps as a kid. The whole time was magical- I was assailed by nostalgia and how special of a place it's always been for me. I convinced Shawn to get all the way in the water and he held me under water, and I have to say that being held by the person you love so much in the ocean you love so much, espeically when your love's eyes match the colour of said ocean, is pretty special. Salty kisses :D.

I showed Shawn the Grandfather tree, but someone built a fort all over it! Everyone thinks it's their special tree.

Shawn drove me down the cal-de-sac beside the old house in Nanaimo. The playground has been taken out, but the cracked basketball court is still there. We hadn't planned on going there, but Shawn turned down Greenbriar by accident, and then I had an irresistable urge to see the back of the old house. So I asked Shawn to stop, and ran out of the car to the little trail that used to lead to our backyard. You can't see there's a trail there now - the Cedar tree branches have grown so low you have to bend over double, but obviously I knew it was there. I was alone at this point, when I appeared through the opening into what used to be our backyard. It was quiet, that wind-rustly sound being the only noise, and it took me awhile to realize that the full-blown straggly humungus pine I was staring at was the same tree that used to be as tall as me and super fluffy. I looked around - seeing the back of our old house peeking above the fence was a powerful punch. I noticed a lush patch of a mint-looking plant, and remembered the lemon balm me and Bethany used to pick and chew on that mom showed us right when we moved there...and picked a leaf. Sure enough, it was lemon balm! Then I noticed the ruins of the tree house dad had never really finished building with the nephews. It was special to be there. I can't explain it.

Anyways, breakfast has been made and I must go eat it.

Fubman

2011-07-18T16:50:00.002-07:00

I am a 'fub. And Shawn is my Fubman. Let it be known. (He wears the title of 'Fubman' very proudly and seriously, as is only Right and Proper).

Anyways, here I am in Parksville for a quick little vacation. It's so nice to come and visit here in the summer time - the weather is almost always warmer than Tofino, and we can go mountain biking and swimming, and Shawn's mom keeps us extremely well-fed. These are people who love food in a very good way. But...it's also always so nice to go back home to the vibrant greenness.

I have a follow-up to my posts about Flores Island and Catface Mtn, there are some post-cards ready made up that state dissaproval to the plans, directed to be sent to the Prime Min. - if anyone would like copies to send for themselves, I will get you some..or I'm sure there might be something similar on the 'net you can do.

My phone is in working order again. Same number as before.

As for the gardening business, it's slowed down quite a bit at the moment, but rent and food money still appear. It's a slow time of year what with the lawns dying off, the planting at a halt, and everyone pretty much having already chosen their gardener for the summer. It would be really neat to get some new contracts though...I still hold out hope!

I found out that the fluffy yellow dandelion-esque flowers that abound even more than the Official Dand-y hisself, are called Catsear! I have been wondering for ever so long, unable to find out without access to the internet or wise herbalist friends. They apparently are completely edible, just like dand-e-lion, and have similar properties, but not as potent. I was very excited about this, because I had a very nasty sunburn on my shoulders and couldn't find any dandelion flowers (steeped in freshly boiled water for at least an hour, lay the warm wet 'fleurs' on yer skin, rinse off with the steeped liquid. Don't rinse off with water afterwards. "Wise Woman Herbal"). So after finding this out I ran out that very day and collected a bunch of Catsear fleurs and tried out that very thing. I left the flowers on my skin and fell asleep for about half an hour, got Shawn to splash them off with the infused liquid while I bent over our bathtub (hehe), and the next day my peeled, roughened skin was smooth, and all the nasty painful itchiness was gone. So I believe it had a lovely soothing effect.

Anyways, I'm also excited about BURDOCK. I finally found out what it looks like, and guess what?? There's a plant growing right outside my front door. Neat!!

what's the wurd hummingburd

2011-06-15T12:13:00.003-07:00

I love hummingbirds. I wear a ring 'round my middle finger that has a Native-style hummingbird etched into it. Until I had that made for me, I've never really considered hummingbirds too much. But now I see that they're often around when I go outside. And there's a huckleberry bush outside my bedroom window that attracts hummingbirds all day. Anyways...love 'em!

I'm sorry for being all accusatory about the non-contacting issue. I know I've been difficult to get ahold of because of the fact that I don't have a phone...aside from Shawn's, which is usually wherever he is. I'll say no more about it. Moving on!

It's so gloriously sunny today in Parksville, but the wind is blowing something feirce. Me and Shawn are going swimming at Ravensong later. After that, probably just some chilling at the beach or in the back yard in the sun! Then tomorrow, back to Tofino and work. I got my teeth worked on yesterday, and they did indeed have to put in a medicated dressing that I'll have to keep in for about 6-8 months. Tastes like cloves. Then, if my nerve heals up good, I'll get a regular dressing. If it doesn't, I'll need a root canal. It's a good example of how getting things done when they're still a small problem (like when I first found out about the cavity 5-6 years ago) is definitely preferable. This might seem like a pretty extreme example of irresponsibility to some of you...and of course you're right. For some reason, I take longer to grow up than most people. It's just always been that way.

But I'll tell ya, moving to Tofino was the most productive thing I've done in years. It seemed to have woken me up a little bit. I'm finally doing my taxes, for example. For the first time. Ever. And the cavity...and other, more personal things. There's nothing wrong with being lonely...but you should be conscious of the fact that you are. And at the same time of being made conscious of that, I've also been conscious of all the love/love potential that is already in my life. My tale is not full of woe - rather, it's at a pretty exciting point right now. I'm starting NEW friendships, a new business, in a new place. It's a time of great potential!

Now just before I leave, I'd like to put something out there that has been emerging as a top issue for me these days. In fact, this is IT, the thing that I feel most passionately about. It's the cause I've chosen to support. What's happening is 4 different things, all around the place where I live. First, there's the copper mine on Catface Mtn - which they are going to destroy the mountain for less than 3 percent of usable copper - blast the top of it off and push one side into the ocean, and the other into the old-growth rainforest. Copper is toxic, and all of that toxic waste is going to be pushed right into the ocean, and obviously this will destroy the natural habitats of countless types of Marine life. There's the clear-cutting of Flores Island, which they've already cut heli-pads on the island, and the 'sustainable' cutting that they'll do actually is going to be 90 percent of the Island. How that is sustainable, I do not know. People have gone and checked it out - the Friends of Clayoquat Sound - and they found the flagging tape not even 10 feet into the forest. Flores is a huge island covered in ancient old-growth, you can imagine the consequences, but not fully I think. Then there's a gold mine that they're going to drill for up Tranquil Inlet. A lot of these (catface, Flores) you will be able to see from town. Not only will it destroy the wildlife around if all of these things go through, but the consequences will be so far-reaching that Tofino would completely change. It would become a dead surf town - no one will want to go there anymore, because it will no longer be a wild, paradise vacation town. The migrating animals that stop around this area in the thousands (birds and fish) will no longer have a place to stay here...the salmon, the local species - their habitat and food will be gone. You'd look out at what is now the beautiful and pristine Sound, and you'd see big logging flats, you'd see the logging being done on Flores, and the mining trucks going up and down catface. I wish I could speak more elequently about it, but right now that's the best I can do. If all of these things go through, it really will destroy this area. It's never been this dire before. That thought breaks my heart! These are some of the last 3 percent of pristine, original untouched ancient old-growth forests. They are sacred, and if we lose them, we lose something immense.

The Missing 'fub Speaks

2011-06-14T09:28:00.003-07:00

I am in Parksville, with time on the computer - unlimited (kind of) time - for the first time in months. I have mixed feelings about my time of exile from the internet. On the one hand, it's been a huge distraction that's been erased from my day-to-day life...but on the other hand I do not like feeling out of the loop with my family. I hadn't realized how much blogging has been a link for me. With it gone, I am practically cut off from my family. I don't get phone calls or texts. People email me messages I won't see for weeks. It's all happened over a period when things have been happening that I would have really liked to have known about - and everyone was keeping in touch about them through email. I didn't know about Dad. It's tempting to get a little upset and hurt over it - being the youngest it's typical for me to feel forgotten or left out or unimportant. I know that's not the case though. Forgive me for mentioning it...It was just a shock to hear about Dad. I want to be able to have the chance to know things before it's too late. You all know what I mean.

Enough about that. I'm here in Parksville for a dentist appointment. I'm getting a gaping hole in my molar filled in - hopefully it will just be a regular filling, but there's a chance it will be too close to the nerve, in which case they'll have to do a temporary filling for 8 months before having me come in again and do the real filling. Fun stuff! It is taking the entirety of my bank account, too. But at least I've made it before a root canal is necessary.

I haven't had time to read up on all the blogs yet, only the first one of each, but I happened to glance at a post by LaBee entitled something to the effect of a tippy canoe, and I have to say that really struck a chord with me. I have had this feeling almost constantly since spring time started - that I am on thin ice, or some equivalent type of footing that feels transparent and unstable. It is the feeling of new beginnings, and it's hard not to get stressed out because I don't know yet what is going to happen, or how I'll manage. I tell myself that my deeper self intuitively created this situation because it's what I need to expand and learn the things I need to learn. I tell myself that there's always been enough money, and that when the time comes, I'll be able to provide for myself. I also tell myself that no matter what happens, I can't be hurt. Those things help a lot. I also drink an infusion of skullcap on nights when it's hard to sleep, and I have an infusion of Avena every day (avena=oatstraw).

These have been lonely days. I can't lie about that. Some days Shawn works and there's no gardening for me to do, and I stay at our house which is too far from town to walk, and I don't do anything all day because no matter what I do it can't take me away from my loneliness. I think I've been lonely for years, but I was not conscious of it. Sorry! I don't mean for this to be a sob-post or anything. But this is what's going on with your lill sis right now. It's just matter of fact. It also makes me think of new beginnings - that line from the movie "Sabrina" that goes something like, 'You seem ashamed of being lonely and alone. But it is only a place to start'. Mom says that I'm a sleeping giant. I feel that, too. Does anyone else feel that? I'm sure you do. Unexpressed potential. It's in all of us.

2011-04-14T09:20:00.003-07:00

Thought I'd pop on here and post while I had 10 minutes put together on the internet. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm ALIVE and happy, I'm turning 25 in two days, and me and Shawn have finally been getting calls for gardening! With the sun finally coming out for more than a few hours at a time...we got 4 contracts in 2 days!! We're starting a BUSINESS! It's very exciting. I'll write more about that when I have time...which might be soon - when we start making money, we'll get the net. :D I'm a gardener.

Gotta pack n' run!

Cedar Woman

2011-02-22T17:59:00.009-08:00

The sun is bursting forth gloriously today. The sky is as blue as a sky could be, and the ocean even blue-r - stirred up by the wind to form brilliant white little caps (caps to make a snap pea jealous). It's the kind of weather I was expecting we'd have when Laura came to visit - but in THAT case we just got a good taste of everything!

It was so much fun to have a sister come visit and appreciate my new home with me. We stuffed a lot of things into the two days (and 3 quarters) Laura had here. I suppose I'll make a list of highlights from my point of view. Not in order of importance or necessarily in chronological order :)

- we walked along Cox Bay and explored the rocky headland at the edge of the bay for a good 3 hours!! The weather was nuts, as L.B has already described. We hiked an exceedingly muddy trail up to Sunset Point, at which point Laura molded herself sideways onto the wet rocks to take pictures of me as I perched on some rocks across a dangerous chasm. After that is when we hiked back. We waxed lyrical about beaches and how they lift up one's soul.

- Stories...I wish we'd done more of them! Shawn only ended up having opportunity to do one, and it was a delightful addition.

- Sunset walk at Cox Bay. I brought my lil blue Sylvia and snapped pictures along with L.Bee. There where great smoothly rippled expanses of sand reflecting a dynamic sky - I will include pictures. THe purpose of going to the beach was for Laura to snap pictures of Shawn surfing, but we totally forgot about him as we took pictures of ourselves. shrug.

- Most satisfying meals were had. I think my favourite was the French toast we had Laura's first morning here. We didn't have any of the usual fixins, so we had to get creative...and we ended up with a variety of condiments to chooose from: a bowl of creamy plain yoghurt drizzled with honey, cool whip (in an aerosol spray can), mandarin jam (which me and labee had bought for the purpose of french toast), fresh-squeezed lime juice and icing sugar. I had a bit of all of it on mine and it was soooooo good. Labee also made yam fries with lime zest (and chipotle lime mayo) one day ...see pictures!

- We watched an enjoyable movie every night.

- One morning we managed to make it out to Chesterman Beach for the sunrise, and the tide was out far enough for us to walk down the sand bar that separates North beach from South beach.There's a rocky outcropping at the very end point. You can usually see waves crashing in all dramatically, but it was pretty calm on this particular morning. There was a huge setting moon all hazy and pink from the sunrise. And an eagle. The tidal pools were iced over and the rocks were frosty.

- We spent a good chunk of time on Long Beach where Laura did some photo-shooting of us. We hiked up the slippery side of a boulder for some pics, and also me and Shawn stationed ourselves on a huge log with the tide surging and swirling around us. On the beach we saw an eagle drying it's wings- but at first we were worried, because we saw that it couldn't fly, and Shawn called the Park about it. They told us about the soggy wing thing. PHewph. It was a youngster.

- The entirety of the second day was spent trotting around to different locations for the photo shoot. We went to the Rosie Bay look-out, the crab dock, the First St. dock, and Grice Bay. Looking back, I wish I'd planned out my wardrobe for the photoshoot in advance...I totally wasn't prepared...(my vanity had to squish that in there).

- Laura bought us all some 'lish hagendaaz. I got pralines and cream. Boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. oh. boy. :D

- On Laura's last morning here we went out to eat at the Tin Wis dinging room. The Tin Wis is a Native owned/operated resort, and the restaurant overlooks Mackenzie Beach (Beach ala 'fub honeymoon). The food is all sort of Native-geared...but not really, more West Coast with Native-sounding names. IN any case, it all sounded sooo good and it took us super long to decide. I finally decided on the Raven, if anyone is DYING to know. It was 'lish. Smokey tomato relish over cheese and cajun pork-belly and toast with garlic aoili. YUMmmmm. So good. Laura got the sunrise scrambler and Shawn got some sort of platter. We finished off some stories while we waited for our food. And the whole time the sun was sparkling on the water outside our window.

Me and Shawn were both sad to see Laura go. The whole time during the visit, Shawn kept pulling me aside and saying that he was having such a great time. It was just...perfect! And hopefully the first of many visits from family.

Ok...pictures!

buttermilk 'fub

2011-02-13T22:43:00.005-08:00

Tomorrow is Valentine's day and I'm contributing dessert. Shawn is contributing breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He's making me blueberry waffles for breakfast! ("buttermilk?" pipes up an insolent 'fub)

I'm in Parksville! Shawn's parents are at a concert in Victoria and we're taking care of the place. Last night they ordered sushi, and we had an early Valentine's dinner together. It was delicious and jovial, and we talked for 2 hours after we were finished. And then I got sick to my stomach from the sushi for an interval of about an hour, which was unfortunate but strange and brief... After wich me and Shawn popped "Free Willy" into the vhs (we found it in the garage much to our mutual delight) and fell asleep.

Today the torrential rain from yesterday let up and we had a cool, breezy spring-like day. The main event of the day was an easy mountain-bike ride on some bits and peices of trail in and around Rathtrevor. We biked around for probably 3 hours. It was great fun!

There was a section of day when Shawn taught me how to use dragon sticks! I fumbled and flailed around with those for a good half hour on the back patio. It probably would have been amusing to watch me, if one is amused by excessive flailing. (Stott?)

We weren't hungy enough to have anything other than peanut butter and honey sandwiches for dinner tonight. I had a 2 hour nap that my body soaked up like a sponge...I needed it. Trouble IS, Shawn is now sleeping behind me, and I'm not a bit sleepy. He's wrapped up in the fuzzy blanket with Eastre on his chest waiting for me. He is mon amour...and he's teaching me how to say that properly, too!

In-between-y

2011-02-12T07:24:00.002-08:00

I must write. Lately my internet situation has been DIRE - dire indeed! So please forgive me not commenting yet on the overwhelming amount of blogs I have to catch up on. I'm going to P.ville today and it's understood that I shall have as much blog time as I want/need there.

Laura's coming to visit. This is almost the first thing that popped into my head when I awoke (at 6:30...and it was still a 9 hour sleep...yay winter) this morning. Me and Shawn had a blast getting the guest room ready - it'll be the first time that it's been used since we moved in! It's a very exciting thing. I hope this will be the first of many visits from family (especially YOU Katie, since you live so close. and we have a place for your family too!).

I don't know what else to write, I was just so inspired to write after finding out Jordan has a blog (yay!!) and also because I haven't had the chance in so long. I miss it. I shall continue in Parksville!

everything is new now

2011-01-24T14:03:00.005-08:00

This is the finished product of the painting I showed you before. I love the result of painting on-site. I learned leaps and progressed bounds because of it, in this little painting! I can't wait to start another one and get a portfolio going, so that maybe in the spring I can have an art show!! What do you guys think? Would some of you come? I wouldn't expect it - it is kind of a journey to get here. But think about it - you'd save because you'd get to stay in a vacation rental (our place) for free. Right across the street from the beach. :D

close up #1:

close-up #2:

whole thing:

I have been reading this book, that France got me for Christmas (A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle)and it is amazing. It is the most useful book I think I have ever received. It's all about the ego, and it's been teaching me how to observe my mind, and to recognize ego, and I'm astonished at how unconscious I am.

Chipotle lime mayo is not hard - and trust me Sarah, even if you don't like mayonnaise you will LOVE this. It's not like mayo, it's like a delicious sauce, with the texture of a sauce. But you can also keep it thicker and creamier if you want. All you have to do is (if you don't make your own mayo, or if you're lazy in a pinch, like me) plop some spoonfuls, however much you want to make, of mayo in a bowl, squeeze a good amount of lime juice into it (at least half a lime is good for a cup of mayo, but you can add more according to taste...among other things it obviously makes it like more of a sauce texture the more you add.) and add however much chipotle puree you want. Start with a teaspoon is my suggestion and then add more however spicy you like it. I'm assuming most of you know how to make a chipotle puree, but just in case: you just buy a can of chipotle peppers, and puree them in their sauce. viola. You can add a tiny bit of honey if you want to. It's smokey, sweet, spicy and delicious. Even better when using homemade mayo.

Eastre is purring on my lap. A quote from this book I'm reading that I love. I can't remember it verbatim, but it was something to the effect that life is the dancer, and you are the dance. Life dances through you. Why is that thought so exhilarating?

as requested

2011-01-22T21:25:00.005-08:00

Today was an inside day and the most productive thing I did all day was this painting. For meals lately, everything has been garnished with chipotle lime mayo. It's just too good. In a breakfast wrap with eggs, rice, veggies and cheese, in pasta as the sauce, as a dip for a grilled cheese...!! Everything must have it.

sun-kissed salty hair

2011-01-20T10:11:00.004-08:00

Shawn holding a fed-up kitten sausage.

me jubilant in the snow in Parksville

looking up at ma from pa's lap

a blurry sunset on North Chesterman's

Shawn's beautiful eyes

it's raining today, but that's ok because we have had so many days of sun. When it's sunny here the light is so warm and golden, and there's always fairy frost covering every branch and leaf. Watching the sun rise through sparkling white cedars and hemlocks is beeeeautiful.

* * *

it's the next day. Today me and Shawn drove down an exceedingly pot-holed dirt road to a secret path, which took us to a secret beach! Ok it's not too secret, but the path is secret. We had to cross an icy cold river that was knee-deep, and slosh through lake-like puddles. I had my foot clothed in the famous 'fub inappropriate footwear: the flip flop. I KNEW that a river had to be crossed, and had deduced that since I did not own any water-proof footwear or boots, my feet were getting wet one way or the other. Don't worry though, I brought a warm pair of socks and dry shoes for when we got there. But much mud was squished through in the mean time. Hey..I'm an Island girl..and that means that one does not become squeamish at mud - especially if it is necessary to squelch through in order to get to a beautiful spot. But I'd be a better Island girl if I had the supplies...I realize this, but that unfortunately takes lots of MOOLA. Anyways we reached the beach, I opened up my satisfyingly black artist's satchel and set up camp on a damp log. The sun was brilliant, there were huge glistening smooth rocks with water pooling and swishing around them, a black silhouette of land jutting out into the water to my right, with trees billowing out from the wind. Glassy waves were breaking just 20 ft out in the glowing sea, and further out there were islands all hazed over with luminous mist. I snapped lots of photos of the frame I decided on, and a bunch of different frames for later, just in case, and got to work. It was freezing cold but I only really noticed it in my feet. Shawn went out and surfed for about an hour and a half while I painted. I was utterly alone on the beach, and Shawn was alone out in the waves.

That is my Twin Rivers adventure. hope you enjoy the photos!

dream brother

2011-01-09T16:00:00.004-08:00

It is so gorgeous again today. The sun's a-glowing on the glassy waters of Clay-o-quat Sound, but I'd bet there's a storm or something coming our way. Lore's "storm heron" is resting in his "storm tree". Lore says he does that before a storm...hence the name.

My one day of work this week finds me refreshed and rejuvenated. My health and positivity are lifting! I got a comment on my skin today (a nice one). And it's not my brand of make-up, 'cause I just don't wear that stuff. Positivity is rippling through this day. Positivity ripples are the best.

One of the joys of living with Shawn is our team work. Whenever one of us starts cleaning, the other one joins in immediately...and this way we get everything clean all the time, it's never overwhelming, and we have a pleasant time doing it. One thing that I enjoy keeping on top of (who woulda thought?!) is laundry. yes, even folding it and putting it away. A large part of it is having such a nice place. It's such a pleasure to keep it clean, because then it's so darned lovely and cozy. Why am I writing of such things? Why not?

I've just finished a fantastic book: "The Book of Negroes" by Laurence Hill. It's one of the best novels I've EVER read, and I recommend it to everyone!!!!

I've also got a playlist for January. I know I don't usually do playlists, but this month has been such a great one for music (even though it's just begun!) and I want to share.

1)"Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Heroes...this is a repeater for sure
2)"Livin in Darfur" by Mattafix
2)"Night Terrors" by Laura Marling
3)"You and I" by Ingrid Michealson
4)"At the River" by Groove Armada
5)"Baltimore Blues" by Deer Tick
6)"Resevoir Park" by The Duchess and the Duke <---this might be my FAVOURITE
7)"Dream Brother" by Jeff Buckley (why didn't I appreciate this song before?? It's AMAZING)

Hope you try some songs out...you'll be glad ya did :D, and if you do let me know what you think.

Mr. Jones is at my door

2011-01-07T15:13:00.003-08:00

It's been a hard few days, I'm not going to lie. My temper is out of this world. My tongue is particularly adept at cutting.

But we've been cracking down with cleaning and organizing the last things left over from the move. I've finally been able to persuade my signif. other that he doesn't need to put food and other random items (ibu) in with the plates and glasses - we've got more than one cupboard here! I find satisfaction in organizing our kitchen...it's a nice kitchen and it gives a pea a thrill to open up a cupboard, and see that it's neatly organized and stacked and makes sense.

It's beautiful and peaceful out. There's ragged patches of pale blue in the sky, and the light is clear and yellow. I swear the quality of light is different here. It's so much more intense. Not necessarily more vibrant (although, yes, on some days), just more alive and pure-looking. Words don't do it justice. Words can only point to a truth. Ya feel me?

I've been making oatmeal in the mornings. Me and Shawn have also been feasting on spicy things. Green chilies, because Tofino is almost always sold out of chipotles (not kidding...it's unfortunate)and BEANS and rice and lotsa garlic and ginger and peppers and hot sauce and eggs and onions and PEAS and yummy yummy sauces. You know. Those kinds of feasts.

the darkness and the damp

2011-01-05T11:53:00.002-08:00

As you might have guessed, it's a dark, stormy day today. I wish I could write an Expose, but I can't. I don't have the courage in front of you yet. There are some things I'm aching to share though, that I'm going through. (I'm not pregnant, so take that thought out of your head right now!!)Anyways, no need to freak out.

I've just got to say that I'm woefully behind on posts! The wireless on my netbook has fizzled, so the only time I get 'net is when there's no one in the vacay rental and I can hook it up...or when I'm at work...and that's only once every 7 days, and it's been surprisingly busy every time I work! I would be reading [posts] right now, but I've got to write this New Year's post while I still can.

2010: The year of the Tiger! (my year)..what words do describe thee - Change? Travel? Challenge? ....yes. I wanted to be challenged, I remember that. I asked the Universe to stretch me out a bit, and that has definitely happened, and I certainly find myself in new and very challenging situations. I KNEW that a challenge, by definition, is, well...challenging...and, I was right. What more can I say? I am not finished with them either. But I'm dealing with them. I'm not on the other side yet, and there's a lot more to learn, but so far I've learnt (from my 'challenges'):

1)you have to create your OWN answers sometimes. Nothing is going to tell you what you should want.

2)It is then fully your choice on whether or not you can be happy with that, or unsatisfied and always questioning if you did the right thing...

3)I am far more conrolled by ego than I cared to notice before, and I'm pretty sure this has something to do with my commitment problems in relationships...always finding things to complain about...things to make me a victim, things to make me right and him wrong...'faults' in others that I contribute to the cause of my own unhappiness...imaginary wrongs and so forth. I should replace that "I" with "the ego", because it's wrong to identify yourSelf with that behaviour.

4) I'm struggling to put this one into words...i'm just going to leave it and be mysterious.

That's enough of that. Anyways, 2010 was a crazy year, in which I left a 4-year relationship, moved to Tofino, started another relationship, grew my hair long and bought a cat. She is sitting purring on my lap right now. I also found a beautiful home to live in, and have dealt with a surprise blow of which I cannot talk. I also decided what I want to do, maybe for a long, long time as a source of regular income: gardening! I've gotten to know myself a lot better over 2010. Here's to the year that marks a decade into the 21st century! ('hear, hear!')

Now, 2011. I don't know what to expect. I'll be turning 25, which seems like a milestone to me. I haven't quite come to peace with that thought yet. My guess for the year is that I will either settle down into this new life and start to spread out roots, or another upheaval is on it's way. I think it will be the roots though, I really do.

What I consciously want: to get started on being self-employed, to learn how to surf, to find a regular form of meditation that I incorporate into my daily routine, to save money for travel (at least 3000 this year! SURELY I can manage that, I saved that up in 6 months before), and to be more on keeping my environment clean and cooking myself nourishing meals. It's a more practical list than other years, I know.

Alright, now it's time for me to be off..and I'm sorry if you were forced to skim.

Tardy Christmas post

2010-12-31T14:51:00.003-08:00

Christmas 2010: It started early - 5:30am, to be exact, is when me and Shawn woke up for good. I know that's early, but that's due to the fact that we'd gone to bed at around 10 the night before. A record low for me, for Christmas eve! As you can guess, the eve afore Christmas was pretty quiet for me this year.

I got up before I heard the 'rents of Shawn get up and start moving, so I could feed my little furry ball on Christmas morn. Otherwise Shawn's mom would have fed her, and, well I wanted to. It was Christmas.

Before I fed my fur ball of love, me and Shawn opened up the stockings we got for each other. I gave him mine first, which I actually managed to make fit inside a normal Christmas-style stocking! Well..that's a lie. I couldn't manage to squeeze in the little Italian (Pialetti? I can't think of that popular brand name right now) cappuccino/latte maker. But it's still a definite improvement. Anyway, I got him a myriad of things, such as the aforementioned coffee maker, and surf board wax, socks.. a few other things. His stocking to me included a big black artist's case, a sketch book, paint brushes and some palettes..and a few other things. Some owls matching the one LaBee got me last year.

Shawn's parents got up soon after us, and by 6:30 there was fresh coffee and a little plate of sweets to get started on before the present opening. We all sat around the table puffy-eyed and said good-humoured things. I had to nibble on the sweets - my stomach has totally betrayed me. I can hardly ever eat anything sweet now, unless it's in the evening. Otherwise, I just...can't. Especially if it's the buttery rich kind of sweet. It makes me feel sick.

Anyways, then the champagne and O.J. (a Mclean tradition) was brought out (and continuously refilled), and Shawn's dad passed around the presents. I got totally and unexpectedly spoiled - Shawn's parents went out of their way for me, and got me a bunch of things. Fave: Dark teal blue cotton asian-style long-sleeved shirt, and a little velvet box of jewelry - including this awesome necklace/earring set that has these little peachy-ambery stones. I don't know what they're called, but they're pretty! They got US a spice rack, aluminum water bottles, coffee beans, gorgeous set of heavy crystal wine glasses..and even more, but I shant bore you. Shawn completely spoiled me as well - you know, shirts, some belts, the cutest little hand-knit butt warmer, a fuzzy purple scarf and...a CAMERA! That's right, one of my very own! I think my mouth fell right down to the ground when I opened that one up. I almost cried. Anyway, pictures from it soon to follow. You've already seen some on FB. It's a little pocket-sized canon, and it's a silvery-blue colour, and I've named her Sylvie.

We also all opened up our stockings at this time. Yup, I got TWO this year. And after all the opening festivities, Shawn's mom whipped up some eggs bennys...soooo good! Apparently that's also a tradition. Me and Shawn had been going to nap after this, but it didn't happen because we pretty much had time to go have a shower, and then run over to see Katie n' fam and Labee before the Schofields showed up for dinner. Well, Labee gave me the REbar cookbook, which totally excites me, and a bag full of hand-made hair flowers. Love 'em. Also, unexpectedly at Katie's, mom and dad called! Or, someone called them? I'm not sure, but somehow or other there they were on Skype, and Shawn got to meet them. So it was a pretty fantastic Christmas all in all. Ended with a traditional turkey feast.

-Speshul

love love love I'm a trigger hippie

2010-12-23T10:39:00.001-08:00

Here I am in Parksville... waiting for Christmas to happen! No more work until the 27th or 28th. I have almost all my shopping done, and with any luck I can finish it TODAY...and thus be done before the 24th!!!! For the first time in...as long as I can remember! And then I can actually spend it how I want, and not have anything to stress about.

I didn't mean to say that the last few Christmases sucked, by the way. I had a great time, because when sisters get together we just know how to do that. But it's just been us sisters holdin' up the fort. I'm going to miss sleeping in the sister room with LaBee and 'fub and waking up super early and watching each other open up our stockings with puffy eyes. And calling Bethany "dear one". Patting her arm gently and giving it a squeeze. Laura's sleepy chortles. None of that is being replaced. But I've made the best of this new situation I think, and it's been rewarding.

It's been made super evident to me lately just how tightly woven a support net there is around me. It feels like a gift, because I don't feel like I was consciously searching for that knowledge...but it's been made increasingly evident. Support and love come from the most unlikely places, and I feel like I have people placed all around me...even my boss, Lore, has become this unexpected Wise Woman in my life, full of unexpected gems of knowledge...and she gives me support that's beyond what a boss usually gives. And there's the people that were already there (family) that I just didn't fully appreciate...but it's been brought home to me lately in a couple of ways, and I'm full of gratitude. And it feels good to look around me and be able to see my blessings - it feels like feeling gratitude is the first step to giving back the blessings you were given.

What better time than Christmas time to write a cheesey emotional post!

lemon zesty

2010-12-18T15:09:00.002-08:00

I haven't had time to check blogs yet, but I've got a quick window to write a post in so Imma do it.

I'm working today for the first time in 10 days. Our internet hasn't been working at all at home, so that's why I'm a bit behind on things. I've definitely had things to post about. But now most of them are so far away! Oh well.

During my myriad of days off, we eventually mosied to Parksville because I was in desperate need to Christmas shop. This year it's not exactly my fault that I'm so disorganized in this area - I've had all sorts of problems with my EI claim. I won't go into it because that would be long and boring, but the bottom line is in the end it miraculously worked out and I seem to be accepted. But I was held off Christmas shopping for a month while that was being processed, and I wasn't working and had no money. Yep.

Shawn's home in Parksville is all decorated for Christmas and festive. They've got their fake tree up, and lights everywhere, and France is doing Christmas baking. It's very pleasant to be around so many festive people this year. Me and Shawn did some baking while we were there too - sugar cookies, because I had a hankering to ice and decorate them. Shawn made a lish cream cheese icing with lime juice and lemon zest in it, and I made the cookies. They were lovely. We decorated them with silver balls and red n' green writing gel. I've also made shortbread cookies - I LOVE shortbread and as far as I'm concerned, Christmas is pretty much the best excuse to bake them. I'm kind of on a baking craze, come to think of it. In our last place we didn't have an oven and I'd always think of things I wanted to make, and then be all frustrated when I couldn't. So I'm kind of making up for it now. Last night I made orange cookies, and I'm going to ice them with cream cheese icing as well! Mmmm. So good. They taste delicious and festive dipped in egg nog without icing, too. 'Tis the season to eat well!

So, I thought some people might like to know that I'm keeping up with the 'fub tradition of Christmas baking, even if it's just for me (and shawn, and his parents). I don't know what really to expect for this Christmas. It will be strange, but not too strange. There are vast differences between Shawn's family traditions and mine, but comforting samenesses too. Quite frankly, family Christmases have long passed their prime, and this Christmas, since I've been able to concentrate on having my own Christmas where I am...it's been way more fun and Christmassy. It makes me sad to say so, but it's just easier keeping up traditions and excitement here in my own world, then trying to push and pull and force people who are dragging their feet to take joy in them too. It's just the way things are now. I haven't enjoyed having to travel on Christmas day from one life to the other the past 4 Christmasses...and THIS Christmas, even if the 'rents were still home and people were more able to get together, and even if I was still with Andreas and in Vic, I'd STILL refuse to split myself up anymore. I hated leaving Andreas to have a lonely Christmas without me, and I really did owe him just as much over the season as I did my family - because he WAS my family. That is one of my many regrets. That I was never strong enough to insist on spending Christmas with him, just one of those years. But it's pointless to guilt trip yourself over things like that I know - what I'm saying in my rambling way is that this year was going to be different for me anyways.

I've got work to do. Right-o!

Tannenbaum documentation and some other things

2010-12-07T13:44:00.004-08:00

Before I start I have to complain about the laundry today. There is not much, but I'd rather do a whole pile of normalish laundry than scrub mysterious brown stains off of sheets...and other stains that I try not to contemplate at all as I'm scrubbing. There was also a large yellowish brown stain on one of the blankets...it's just one of those days...

Me and Shawn went out to get a tree when we were in Parksville. He'd never had the experience of going out and cutting down your own, and me talking about it got him all excited. So we decided to go out on Friday to a place we'd seen a sign for in Whiskey Creek. You got there along a short section of logging road. There was a girl there holdin' down the fort - which consisted of a small open shelter with hot chocolate and hot dogs set up, and a bon fire. She handed us a saw and gave us a few tips on how to get around, and informed that the farm extended out for 70 acres...!! And it was ALL full of potential Christmas trees. We drove around the bend and saw a big valley, a ravine, and all the landscape beyond - thousands of trees. There was enough snow that our feet got wet, and among the trees you were continually crunching in it. Well, we walked around for hours. It was Shawn's first experience, like I said, and he was kind of like a little kid about it, but after about 2 hours we were both tired and starving - my stomach was grumbling dramatically (I don't often subject it to having to wait), I was beginning to feel like all the trees looked the same and I felt like I was on the edge of picking a tree that wasn't good enough at all because I was so hungry and I just wanted to find a tree and go eat a hot dog! - Well, we were just about to cut down such a tree...I mean it would have been all RIGHT, but nothing special, when I looked just beyond and saw it! THE tree, the tree that was calling to us, to be a part of our Christmas experience! No, but really, it was a beautiful tree, super tall (taller than any we'd have gotten away with at the 'rents old abode - hurray for open concept)and straight. The branches slant downwards in a perfect way, too, making it elegant - not the usual bushy look. The part that sold me most was the large pinecones hanging from the top branches like decorations. Anyways, this may be a lot of documentation for getting a Christmas tree, but it was my first time getting my very own, and it was Shawn's first time ever cutting one down for himself..and we both had such a good time! I'm so glad he's into Christmas the same way I am. Andreas missed out on so much fun with that. But I won't go any further down THAT road. I hardly ever let myself think about him at all. To do that is a slipp'ry slope. It makes me think that you don't ever really get over feeling this way - despite what people say! - you just learn to block them from your mind...that's the ONLY way! Well, time will tell.

Aaanyways, one more thing that we did while in Parksville was to craft up some home-made Christmas decorations for the tree. They're adorable - France's (that's Shawn's mom) friend made them, and France showed me and suggested I make some of my own - they're santa heads painted on an oyster shell. They're soooooo cute - the oyster shell is surprisingly the perfect shape for it - the small bit where the join would be is the top part of his head, and the wide, rippled bottom is the beard! So me and Shawn went out to Rathtrevor and collected a bag full of oyster shells, and over the 4 days we spent there we were working on them off and on. Well...mostly me, I will admit. A project like that, once I commit the hardest part (starting it) will consume me...because I'm a perfectionist. Yep, I know. Everybody is...

So, now our tree is up in full display in front of the window with twinkling lights and a delightful array of ornaments. My golden angel holding the mini light (reminds me of The Mists of Avalon, Morgaine, with the cup? You know the part Andrea?) is on the top, since we don't have a star. I'm happy I get to use her finally for what she was meant - to be a tree-topper! But I prefer having a star on top of the tree. Our tree looks gorgeous though. Eastre likes to crouch underneath it and peer out at you, and bap at various branches. ANyways this is a long post and I gotta go.

PS: for those of you who care, Shadow is in her usual place of honour in the highest place after the angel.

mists

2010-11-21T13:30:00.002-08:00

It snowed this morning. At first it was just wet, slushy snow mixed with rain, but by 8:00 there were definite white flakes coming down. By 9:00 they were fat and cottony and there was a layer of snow on all the individual branches of the trees, and starting the cover the ground. Me and Shawn sat out on our side patio and drank mugs of coffee while we watched. I can't help but get excited at the first sight of snow! We went out in the truck to a secluded parking lot - we were trying to get to Radar Hill, but the road was gated off so we had to be content with the parkinglot. But since it was all covered by this time in a good inch of snow, and surrounded by rain forest, and we were all alone, it was still nice. We went for a walk.

Now it's all warmed off though, at least here at work. I'm sitting and looking out the sliding glass doors at a sunny wintry scene. No snow. Only a dusting at the top of Mount Colnett (which is the mountain, incidentally, where we get our fresh, pure, cold, mountain rain reserve water!).

Now it's the next day. The snow is gone without a trace today - it's too cold. Icy blue sky...far away, coldly shining sun. There's nada happening at work today. No house keepers are in, or anything. It's just me, for a good 9 hours. Then another one tomorrow....and then 4 or 5 days off. I only work for 2 days this whole pay period, but...here's to E.I.! I just went out bundled in a jacket and armed with snips (the cold made my nose tingle and my eyes water) and cut a little bouquet for the office. I love that that's one of my duties! I also had to strip the one room we had rented last night and re-stock, but I don't have to clean it. Now I'm sort of biding my time until the dishwasher is through, and then I'll start my meagre laundry. When you work such a long shift with so little to do, it's all about spreading it out! In between all this, while I was drinking my morning coffee and the sun was coming in through the office windows, I, on a sudden impulse, grabbed a peice of paper and a pencil, and sat on the desk in front of the sliding glass doors and sketched the scene I see from there. I want to paint a REAL scene, one of the ones I see often here and never grow tired of. So that's the plan!

Wiiinnntttter is upon us. Obviously. I do not like these early nights. They snuff the life out of me. They trap you indoors.

On the OTHER hand...Christmas is upon us! Once again this year, despite the best of intentions, I haven't gotten one bit of shopping done early. Now Christmas is in a month and it's too late to be early, if you know what I mean. But I'm determined to avoid the Christmas Eve rush! If I make that this year, it'll be a first since...well, ever really. I can't remember not doing that. Me and Shawn are collecting pine cones to make little Christmassy-scented wax-covered pinecone baskets like what mudsy used to put out every year. We've also got advent calendars put up on our walls side by side (Shawn picked "Disney Princesses", and I went for "hello kitty". For your information.), and next time we journey to Parksville we're getting a tree.

Sometimes Shawn's cellphone automatically puts in "I love you" at the end of his texts because he wrote it to me so often, and he just happens to be the kind of texter that doesn't stop and read over his text before he sends it. Therefore he has so far sent "I love you" randomly to 3 of his guy friends. I think for one of them he actually called his friend "sweetheart". I don't know, this just REALLY gets my funny bone!

Eastre bailed on the way down our loft ladder/steps (it's like a mix between the two, but the rungs are almost as wide as steps) TWICE this morning. She's so cute when she's going down them; she has to go so vertical that her chub bunches up in a roll right behind her little round head, and behind that of course is the large furry ball which is her body (I've NEVER seen a cat with such a perfectly round midsection). Then the soft thump when she hits the ground and the little squeak/trill sound she emits whenever she hits the ground. Anyways, she was getting a little too bold today, and I didn't SEE it (Shawn did), but I heard her try to run down the steps fast, and the desperate scrabble-scrabble-THUD sound, and that was funny enough. LOVE having a cat around.

Dances with Wolves

2010-11-14T12:39:00.003-08:00

I've been a little bit full of hot air lately - thus those last few posts. I really shouldn't post when my head is a hot air balloon. This might not make sense, but believe me - I haven't been myself lately. But I feel more normal today. And I certainly don't have such an aggressive attitude towards Christmas :). I just needed to ....blow some steam! You get the picture. There might be a few more spontaneous episodes of 'tude in the near future, just to warn the readers. Just don't take me too seriously. Shouldn't be too hard. A mini state of metamorphosis and a neurotic Amy - I appologize in advance.

Me and Shawn are having some friends over for dinner tomorrow night! It'll be fun, our first dinner party at our new abode. We're going to make crab, which I haven't had since I was a little girl and we caught some in Nanaimo at Swy-a-lana. And I LOVE crab! This'll be our first venture as a couple, into the realm of couple friends. I have to say I'm stoked about it.

I love our new home. It's soo nice to sleep up in the loft room right under the skylight. We leave it open at night, and I sometimes wake up to sprinkles of rain coming in on my face. It's nice, though. And the stars you can see from there, too! So bright. Last night Eastre slept with us all night (the first time since we moved). I woke up to a warm heavy purring weight wedged inbetween me and Shawn. This kept me from cuddling though, so I lifted her up with the blanket and plopped her on Shawn's stomache. Never a break in the purr, or a single movement. Just a dead weight. So cute! She's got a pension for thumb tacks, though. I don't know how she finds so many, but I caught her twice yesterday bapping something around, and I looked and she'd have her paw curled tightly around a thumbtack, and she'd be trying to eat it! What the heck? She scares me sometimes.

I'm starting to take better care of myself lately. I decided it was a necessity when I looked in the mirror the other day and saw the dark purple puffy-ish shadows under my eyes. They've been there for MONTHS! I've never had that before - dark circles due to stress that just don't leave. Plus I've lost a mysterious 15 pounds from doing absolutely nothing - I mean I eat lots, and not always super healthy food (but pretty good most of the time), and I haven't been jogging a lot because of my healing rib and the stormy weather. And yet I'm lighter than I've ever been. Stress has taken it's toll - that's what. Lack of sleep and all that. About that. Me and Shawn bought some herbs: Skullcap and Valarian root, and I sometimes make us a tea with them before bed to help us sleep. It works wonders, and we always wake up super refreshed feeling and positive. I don't make it too much though, because Shawn's mom told me that they're not "nice" herbs, and can do bad things if you take them too strongly or too often. Does anyone else know anything about those herbs? Also if anyone has a Swedish Bitters recipe, I'm going to do that for sure. It's de-tox time. Winter de-tox!! Woo!!

Me and Shawn watched Dances with Wolves last night, thus the title. I was so into it. I was I was a Sioux, back in the day. Living in harmony on the plains with the horses in a tight-knit, caring community! And I LOVE how they name each other. I want a Sioux name. I wish there were still free tribes out there, too. It's so sad. But anyways. It's not the first time a beautiful culture was wiped out.

I'm reading the Mists of Avalon (lent to me by France - Shawn's mom). Sooo into it. Also new good band: Saint Privat. Check her out, she's French Canadian and Super!

hot red sun

2010-11-12T12:27:00.002-08:00

I want to be mean. I want to be mad. I want to challenge the assumptions that everybody has about me, including myself. I don't want to be a nice girl or a sweetheart, I want to be a girl who doesn't take any bull****. Who stands up for herself and makes her point heard. I don't want people to treat me like I'm less than I am anymore. I know who I am - I've got a fire, I've got intelligence and wit, I'm thoughtful about everything. I have a lot of things to SAY. I have a lot of things to SHARE. I have a furnace in my heart - I'm passionate. I'm exceptional and interesting. I'm laid-back to hang around with, and I've got a spirit of fun. I'm so tired of the World in General being ignorant of all of this. I'm so awesome, and I'm hiding most of it from most people. I shine the full brilliance of myself on Shawn alone. And he LOOOOOOOOOVES me!

Sometimes I think about how making a girlfriend was as easy and natural for me as making a boyfriend. And fun. Since when has it become a chore involving continual effort? I still make a boyfriend without even trying or looking. What's changed about the girls?

A lot of this may seem conceited, but I don't really care. It's true.

shine on me

2010-11-12T11:52:00.003-08:00

I don't know what to write. I could write about yesterday, when some people showed up to stay at the vacation rental and we weren't expecting them at all (luckily we'd decided to clean it that day, and were almost done, but that was just a fluke! we'd been seriously discussing putting it off for a day). Plus we were't done, and then we had to finish in a flurry as they all came in and changed into their wetsuits. So that was "fun". Actually it all turned out ok, we just acted normal and they just assumed that someone had been late checking out. hah. Shawn checked afterwards and found a message in his junkmail folder. Why do they email us? Why not phone? I'm going to address this with them - it's stupid.

Yesterday I also made some mulled wine and we had an opening of the Christmas Season ceremony and put up some decorations! Well, not decorationS - we put up a fake garland of pine needles, wrapped around with mini red lights, around the door. But it signifies the beginning of CHRISTMAS! It's in a month and a half people! Those of you who prefer to be steeped in Christmas Negativity and focus on the negative aspects (stupid money-spending, commercialism, historical innacuracies or whatever you negativity of choice)- you are free to be negative! I, in my positive state, will only use your negativity to bolster MY positive Christmas experience. You wanna be a humbug? You will be laughed at. And I will thouroughly enjoy laughing at you. For being silly and negative, and for being a sheep.

This Christmas I'm going to celebrate friends, family and community, warmth, getting together, and food. I'm also going to think a lot about the Solstice, like I do every year, and the symbolism I can pull from that. These are the things I've always gotten from the season. You don't have to look much further than that to derive meaning and importance from it.

Just so you know, I don't think anyone who reads this blog is a sheep. :) It was directed more at the general public...any negative person I may encounter during christmas.

still waters

2010-11-07T13:28:00.002-08:00

For Halloween I basically got paid to carve pumpkins and decorate. I made a candy bin for the front desk with a huge skull on it that I drew and coloured with flaming eyes and the words "rotten candy" underneath. It was pretty sweet. Lore wants to save it for next year, which is why I brought it up - makes me happy. I'm leaving a legacy! yeah!

Letting go of someone is the hardest thing in the whole world! Don't worry, I'm not going to pontificate on it today. Andreas is a deep pit of despair (I know I borrowed those words from Anne of G.G., but they're so apt!)that I am unwilling to go near. I dug deep, felt the pain, felt the uncertainty, considered going back and then didn't so many times now that my heart just feels plain battered. And I think I know where I'll end up in the end anyways because I always somehow do end up staying here. Even when Shawn took away all the pressure and basically put me on the path to going back, I somehow didn't. So. I'm staying here because it's what I want, there is no other explanation. I'm glad I know that though, because it's the only solid thought I can hold on to that doesn't get twisted from my emotions or in my mind. If it's what I want, it's the bottom line. I also think that staying here is me trusting myself - I took action and changed the course of my life by coming here, and everything that's happened so far (aside from the obvious struggles I've been having with Andreas) has been good. Argh. What I'm trying to say is that it means trusting in my intuition, and I think that's important right now, that I do trust myself. Alright, so what if I indulged in a little pontification...my heart's so full of emotions right now and my mind's so full of thoughts and things I'm learning it's hard not to put it all down.

When I type, my fingers easily keep up with my thoughts. Pleasing!

I had to take away all of Andreas' hope and that was the most painful thing ever. I hope if there's someone who hasn't had to go through that that's reading this, that they never ever have to. It's the most messed up thing.

I got this book at the CIBC in town (they were having a book drive for charity). I have this experience with books - important books just come to me. So I saw this book, "working from the inside out", and without reading anything about it I knew it was a book for me and I bought instantly. It was crazy - it ended up being the only good book there. All the other ones were cheap novels. And it was like there was a spotlight on it.
Anyways, Shawn's been reading me through the meditations in it. They're applied meditations, to teach you how to tap into your subconscious and use your creativity and wisdom and all the good stuff that resides there at will. It's actually fun, having someone read out a meditation to you like that. Last night we did "ocean breath". I liked that one.

Positivity on a stormy Saturday

2010-11-06T15:20:00.002-07:00

I'm trudging through a long 9-hour day at work. I ran out of things to do long before my boss left. Once the laundry was done (a paltry one and a half loads)I basically organized drawers until there were no more drawers to organize. Then I moved on to the laundry room/maid's closet. Anyways, just so you know. It's that kind of day.

I keep on having to learn hard things. You know, I think this year has already developed a clear theme: learning how to let go, and then hand in hand with that is learning how to accept change and see the positivity in what's already around you. And make a conscious effort to actually think positive things. This year is all about letting go and embracing change. So far, that is. And it's almost over, so.

I hate having to let go of Andreas because it feels like cruelty to myself. But I did leave him, and this scenario I find myself in is a result - a good one. I have to keep forcing myself to think about not being with him in a positive light. But, yeah. Life's not hard, other than that. I have beautiful things all around me - the home I'm in - which feels like a "real" home, the loveliest cat in the world, Shawn - who gives me so much love, it just pours out of him. My job, being on the wild west coast of the island, the gardening/property management gig that me and Shawn are starting. The friendship I'm developing with his parents.
I just refused to let myself appreciate those things while I was dwelling on Andreas and how much I wished I was with him still. I was sinking myself in like, negative quicksand. I was sticking myself firmly in a rut. I wanted the situation to turn itself around, but alas, I had to make the fatal decision mySELF in the end. I couldn't dodge the responsibility. Hard things. And Good Things.

I read a quote the other day talking about how the words "thank you" are miraculous. Think about it: it makes you feel good when you say it, it makes you feel good when you hear it! It causes armour to fall off. Positive Things!!!

furry bowling ball in the tub

2010-11-05T08:26:00.005-07:00

Last night I had the first break-up dream I can remember having since having broken up with Andreas. It started out with Bethany betraying me - don't remember how, except that it was total and complete rejection, and I was soooo angry and heartbroken because I couldn't get her to change her mind. Then we ran past mom, who told Bethany she wasn't extraordinary (she was mad at her) - Bethany was crushed. I went up for some reason and gave mom a hug and told her "mom, Bethany's not ordinary. She's EXTRAordinary"...and we had this argument. And then to finish off the dream, I was in the tub at the place me and Shawn just moved out of, except it was our new soaker tub from this place. I was in it with Shawn, and then Eastre joined us and was floating around like a furry bowling ball - at which point I left because I saw some pieces of litter box in the tub.

Now, I don't know about the Eastre part (sometimes I swear she forces herself into my morning dreams so I'll wake up and feed her. She's got powers...I know it.), but the other parts were pretty clear to me. The Bethany rejection symbolized the rejection from my heart of someone who was so deeply in it (Andreas). The mom -when she was arguing with me, her eyes were MY eyes, and they were filled with guilt and heartbreak from hurting Bethany (how I feel about Andreas). I'm just putting myself as all the characters here. But yeah. There's been sort of a change since we've moved...I've learned that letting go of someone doesn't mean, Oh, you make the decision and then it's easy-peasy. It means that once you make the decision it's all up-hill work for a long time. Me and Shawn have changed - he lets me go through what I need to now. He accepts that I have to go through heartbreak to get over Andreas. The first three nights we were here, I cried into his shoulder for ages, and I just couldn't stop. He'd hold me and knead my back muscles, and that released all the tension I'd been holding there, and it seemed to turn into an endless flow of memories that turned into an endless flow of tears. It was like my body was in shock that I'd actually decided to break his heart and let him go.

'nuff of that sad stuff. I'm in a very beautiful home right now, with a fireplace in front of me and a purring cat beside me, and big windows all around me letting in the light. Our place is crazy nice. Shawn's parents came and helped us to warm up the house. They hardly stopped organizing and cleaning the whole time they were here, and it was a huge help. They were a lot of fun to be around, too, and brought with them a secure positive energy that I'm feeling the loss of now. This Shawn/Andreas stuff is scary. It's so hard to feel sure of myself in what I'm doing, when my feelings are all over the place. Sometimes I feel positive and calm and like I did the right thing, and other times I look around me and at Shawn and feel something akin to resignation, because I'm not with Andreas. I can't see the goodness because HE'S not there to share it with. It's so darn difficult! Why did I have to make it so much harder on Andreas, too? Sigh. I think it'll be a while before I don't feel troubled.

We're cleaning the vacation rental half today. Most of it is clean, just some things like dusting and windows, and I'm sure glad I checked the coffee pot in the kitchen because it had old mouldy coffee in it. The windows are terrible though. We're also doing some yard work, like blowing and weed wacking and cutting back the dying ferns. We're going to be their highest standard yet! You can tell the last people did nothing with the yard.

Anyways, pray for some re-inforcement clarity to come my way, and I'll try not to act rashly.

carrotty fiend

2010-10-25T16:04:00.004-07:00

sllooooowwww day today. I'm done everything, but I have to wait and check people in. There's a bunch of people coming in today for a funeral (don't know if anyone saw on the news, but two Tofino paramedics died - the ambulance toppled over into mackenzie lake). It's gloomy, because they'd both been in the community for a long time, and in a community this small it's a big hit. Lotsa people in town grieving. Anyways.

rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain ...............rain......rain rain rain

and then some MORE RAIN.

I actually did end up making soup last night. I made a vegetable stock with carrots, fennel bulbs, celery, onion, mushrooms, and a few sprigs of tarragon. Few glugs of red wine for good measure and acidity, too! It ended up being a very rich, dark and fragrant stock - I was quite pleased with myself. I used some of it right away to make tomato soup (with a sweet carrot puree - with a touch of curry - to add some spice!). It was sooo tasty. Today I had some for lunch with a grilled cheese sandwich (simple: mayo, dijon, cheese, and a healthy layer of hummus on whole wheat). I've been so into cooking lately! It's all the Food Network I was watching. i'm kind of sick of most of it now, but I still watch my faves occasionally. Mostly at work now I listen to CBC on the radio. It's my favourite...reminds me of Andreas though. But too many good things in my life do! Because HE introduced so many things to me. I can't cut them all out! Erg. He's...far, FAR too magnetic. ERG!!

Tonight me and Shawn have planned...PLANNED, mind, to pack up our bedroom. We don't actually use it as a bedroom...definitely more as a storage room. (we tried sleeping there our first night, but just couldn't stand the oppressive pink carpet and icy pink and blue wallpaper...ugh. Gross.) So it's got LOTS of boxes and heaps in there. Packing it up would be the majority of all our packing...it would feel awesome to get it done! It's my friday today too, and I've got 3 days off (as is the custom now, yay- love winter work hours). So it's a good time to get crackin'. I'll miss going to Parksville though, to the "McLean Resort", as Shawn's mom calls it.

feathers

2010-10-24T14:49:00.002-07:00

We're in the midst of a storm here. The waves are 25 ft at some beaches! If I wasn't working, I'd be storm watching, probably at the lighthouse walk in Ukee. Ah well. Lore told me that I could go home whenever I wanted, but I still have to finish the laundry. I love this job! It's the best job I've ever had. So chill.

Last night me and Shawn should have been packing, but instead we played some videogames, made some dinner, and passed out. This is what usually happens when I work until 8 - I'm just not up to doing much after that. For dinner we made pasta. I sauteed up some onions with garlic and cinnamon (try it), and we added this and some bacon to a regular pasta sauce. As well as a healthy amount of cheese, obviously. Harvarti. It was so good. You don't need to add much cinnamon, and it just adds this exotic flavour to the WHOLE dish.
I've been dying to make soup lately. I watched the Chef at Home make some from scratch, and just seeing it put out into simple steps like that totally inspired me to do it myself. I haven't yet though. I think I'm going to make french onion soup, because I think it's one of the best most classic soups evvvverrrr!
I'm going on unemployment because my schedule's going to be a loot slower. So I'll be working half the time for the full paycheck - I'm stoked. One thing I want to get out of all this free time, is starting up the gardening thing with Shawn. We've got an ad in the paper, and we put out posters on all the bulletin boards (that and word of mouth are the only ways to advertise here), but so far we've got nothing back. Just gotta keep trying.

Ramcrab

2010-10-22T14:37:00.002-07:00

Since I'm already on an astrology kick here, I'll tell you about a conversation me and Shawn had about our sun & moon signs. We figured out that I am a Ramcrab (a peaceful herbivore that nonetheless looks quite frightening). After I'd decided that and thought about Shawn's signs (sun: Virgo, moon: Picses), I suddenly realized and blurted out that he was a mermaid. This gave me much mirth. Since you probably want to know all about the Ramcrab, I'll share a few tidbits with you. It has the furry body of a Ram and a Ram's head, with spindly spider legs, and with horns PLUS crab pincers coming out the sides of it's mouth (it uses these to cut of twigs and eat the leaves off them). The Ramcrab baby makes cute gurgle/trill sounds. The adult Ramcrab makes curious grunts and yelps - none two the same.

Me and Shawn finally made it on standby to a trip to the hotsprings yesterday. It's about an hour and a half out there. We went in a little boat that sat 3 couples on either side in a little covered area. On the ride out, it was my first experience of being in deep ocean swell! It was so neat - I had to keep my eyes on the horizon so I wouldn't get sea sick, but I couldn't help looking out the sides at the HUGE waves crashing against the islands out there, and the walls of water ahead and to the sides and behind us! (it was only like a 3 meter swell, but it seemed BIG to me). The water's always been FLAT when I've been on it before. This time it was alive. It was like it was a huge sheet and someone was flapping it out, making huge ripples go in every which direction. No part of the sea was flat. We got sooo much air in the boat! It was awesome! Almost as good as a roller-coaster. And I didn't get sick because I kept my eyes on the horizon (such a good trick)!

Once we made it to the dock at the hot springs, there's a 30 minute boardwalk to get to them. It's a beautiful walk - I'm sure you can all picture it. Typical west coast. I knew we were close when I could hear the water (and the people), and then we crossed a cute little high-railinged bridge, going over a stream with steam coming off it. It smelt like sweet hard-boiled eggs. There was a wooden look-out area with change cubicles, and then a slippery little path to the springs. There was lots of people, but me and Shawn managed to get a place near the opening, where the waves from the ocean kept surging in cooler water. And after awhile people started to leave, and we went up a few pools to where hot sulphery waterfalls were coming off the rocks. It was LOVELY. So beautiful, and afterwards my ribs (my torn cartiledge which has been long and stubborn in the healing) felt WORLDS better. It feels better today. Anyways, I thought you'd all like to hear of my adventure. Me and Shawn are going to go back in December or January, when the springs will be a lot quieter.

highly tuned defensive machine

2010-10-18T17:38:00.002-07:00

I am a crab. I have a built-in, finely-tuned defense system. I'm amazed by it sometimes. It's like I'm sitting inside and watching as this well-oiled machine does it's work all by itself. I'm not proud of it. I'd much rather my defenses were a lot softer towards the people I love. Shawn was talking to me the other day about being defensive. He said that when he decided to not be defensive towards me anymore, he pictured me inside his defenses. I'm going to try it!

Today is opposite. Opposite of yesterday. Yesterday I was working until half an hour over time, and it would have been longer if Shawn didn't help me out. SO MUCH LAUNDRY. Today I didn't have any. Not even a full load. Thus, a blog post.

I'm a crab because my Moon sign is in Cancer. Cancers are crabs. Plus, the moon rules Cancer. So my moon sign has a stronger influence than is usual. I relate to those traits more - the defensiveness, for one, and the emotionalness and the urge to hide in a social situation when it's not all comfortable and familiar. The strong attraction to water. Anyways. ENOUGH SOLILOQUAYING! I'm sorry. It's that tendency of an Aries to be self-centered I've got. Hehe. I'm all about the Astrology in this post. I do love to delve into myself and figure things out. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but it IS self-centered. Or atleast self-absorbed - that works better. I hope I'm not too boring prattling on about myself. I've just been thinking about this stuff a lot lately. I need a girlfriend to share these things with. A patient one. Who likes to philosophize. Or can at least stand to hear MY philosophies. I love those conversations. Sigh. Why is it SO impossible for me to make friends? REAL ones?

lofty pants

2010-10-16T15:50:00.006-07:00

Bewitched is on TV and I'm watching it as I take my time with my work chores. The sun is shining...and me and Shawn have got a new place to move into! It's EXCITING. It's beautiful it's..it's...well just LOOK! HERE!!!

Of course, we'll be living in the other half, not the vacation rental half. Our half is a bit cozier and a bit less polished, but there's a spacious loft with windows AND skylights and a railing, where you can look down on the kitchen (FULL-SIZED FRIDGE!!! I just never want to look at another bar fridge!)(OH, and a double sink...this might not seem exciting to YOU, but I assure you I'm full of joy at the thought of a double sink and how much easier it will be to do the dishes. But even THAT'S moot, because there's a dishwasher too...but I probably won't use it much. Only in extreme cases. And now it's time to end this bracketed sentence!)
ASIDE from the loft, there's also a bedroom. And I don't mean to brag even more, but the bedroom has a french door leading out onto a private patio. And there's even more, and I must share. The bathroom has a soaker tub. And the cream cheese icing on top? a HOT TUB!! We can't use it when the vacation rental is being used obviously, but ...Well, yeah. It all speaks for itself. All of this is only going to cost us $50 more than what we're paying now, and it includes absolutely everything. It's so cheap because we'll....sorta be cleaning the vacation rental. Which is FINE, actually it's great because this whole set-up, is exactly what we've been looking for. Right down to location. (right across the highway from Chestermans!)We knew that doing a little caretaking on the side would be the only way we could afford what we wanted. And now, YAY! I can hardly WAIT to move.

I had an epiphany that I'll quickly share. Andreas gave me structure, Shawn lets me make my own. It's been especially hard to let go of him because the lack of structure (the new necessity of me having to make responsible decisions because I realize I need to, not because someone is urging me to) sometimes freaks me RIGHT out. I miss the structure Andreas gave me. He was my guardian. But it didn't allow me to grow. I need to be allowed to sometimes make bad decisions for myself, so that I learn the importance of really taking care of myself. I've been learning this. I feel like I've been doing a lot of growing up. I'm sticking with the decisions that I've been making because I know I need to grow. I felt it over and over again when I was with Andreas, it just wasn't as clear to me as it is now. That I DID need to leave him, because he kept me contained. He kept me safe. I feel like it was necessary for my next step of soul growth. Shawn - he's a partner, and we're a team (dorky). But it's true. There's a different sort of equality present. He allows me to structure my own world and this is what I need. It's not that one boy is better than the other. It's that me and Shawn just balance each other out better. Yes.

Knowing this all hardly makes me stop missing him though. And it doesn't make it easy to let go of him yet. But it gives me mental strength, with-wich to battle the overly-strong emotions, when they visit. I think all year I'll just have to be prepared for memories to suddenly pop up of this time LAST year. With Andreas in them. And all the stupid decisions I now have to live with that I made that I can't ever fix with him.

Sooo....who wants to come visit me now?? Hehe.

One more thing in this massive post. 'fub, I had a dream where we were working at the same job, and I couldn't find my responsible jeans to wear so I put some silly pants on. Only to find YOU wearing my resonsible jeans at work! How could you 'fub?
p
I also saw a large bunny morph into a young cougar. It was then joined by two adult cougars, and they walked past us - I don't remember the "us" -(we were waiting in a ferry terminal). I was scared, and scooched back into the depths of the moving van we were sitting in so they wouldn't see me.

Little Bap

2010-10-09T15:13:00.003-07:00

Our nickname for Eastre (Eostre, peanut, pumpkin (according to Shawn's dad Bruce) is Little Bap. Because she's little (except for her weighted furry ball of a tummy) and she likes to bap. She likes to bap like crazy.

I have to mention Shawn's dad calling Eastre "pumpkin" on it's own, because it deserves some attention. You have to understand that shawn's dad (a shorter, thicker-set, stockier version of Shawn) lives up to his name meaning quite well(dignity of character). So when he casually mentions that "pumpkin" is sleeping on his bed, I can't help but chortle.

Well, if me and Shawn were missing moisture when we were up in the high n' dry lands of William's Lake we've CERTAINLY got our fill now. Watery cloud bellies are dumping themselves on us vigorously. And we've got winds that are expected at 100 km/hr tonight.

I'm still sad about the erased visit post, but it's no use crying over spilt milk, as Ma would say. But why is it always the best posts that are erased? Why? Anyways, I'll still go over the highlights of the visit. Not in order of importance, but in whichever order they decide to show themselves in my conscious brain. Ahem.

- Avaaattttaaarrr! 'fub and Ben have got us HOOKED. Luckily we've been able to download the whole series or I would be an unhappy 'fub right now.

- slaving over a hot stove with 'fub and creating a satisfyingly classic and hearty meal! The stew ended up being mostly my responsibility. Sorry - I mean the Boeff Bourginon. boef. boeff? buh-ff. Me and 'fub sent Shawn to get a fake red wine for it, and he returned with the only thing Save-on had: sparkling wine-like grape juice. It was purple and fizzy and made the broth a rather interesting purplish colour. But when it was done, there were no traces of purple and it tasted amazing (too much bweef, but this was obviously to the liking of one Ben). So now you know. Grape juice, fizzy or not, works in a stew! Although if i'd have my head on straight I'd have added some vinegar or something. buh-ff.

-Kicking Ben's butt at Soul Calibre. Satisfying. This also ties in to a corresponding low when he beat ME the next day, and I could have eaten the pride and personal satisfaction emanating off of him with a spoon! EXTREMELY UN-satisfying.

- We went for a walk one day, all four of us, in the river valley, and 'fub started a competition between our men by suddenly saying "first one to make the prettiest bouquet gets a point". Of course the boys took this seriously (me and 'fub would accept no less). MY boy won - in fact I must say smugly that BEN (ahem) came back with a stalk of dead grey flowers in HIS bouquet - shoulda been minus points, but whatever.. - Anyways, then I chose something for them to do, and then Bethany again and so on. Shawn won over all. 5 - 3. That's my boy. :D

- arting it up with 'fub. The finger painting that we did was just delightful. I'm proud of what we did. I've already got mine framed and up on the wall, and i've got some extra frames for some more! Next time I'm going to try and let one layer dry, and see how that poster board will take to TWO layers of paint. Ohhh, exciting.

- walks with 'fub, and fub and shawn.

-reading the last sisterhood/pants book. So good and relatable- heart those books!

- the dry erase war with 'fub.

- Going to the lake with Shawn. We'd go every morning as soon as we woke up. Bundle up good, get some coffee, and go hang out for half an hour. Shawn found a place where you could drive right up to the water's edge. I learned how to skip rocks again. We'd go sometimes at night too, when 'fubben were sleeping.

- playing skip-bo with the gaming couple. We played them 3 times, and 3 times were schooled. It was fun though! We had fun! Despite a certain tense moment or two when Shawn might have missed an obvious move. I've been noticing an alarminly dad-like competitive streak in me lately. I think it's been dormant since childhood.

That'll do I suppose. It makes me sad (and I think it's unfair) that 'fub thinks that it was mostly a vacation for me and Shawn. I feel like we got a lot of fun things in, and the vast majority of time was spent in sociable hanging-out. Both me and Shawn had a really good time - I hope YOU did too 'fub. Gee.

2010-10-08T17:41:00.002-07:00

I just wrote a huge and flavourful post about the 'fub visit. it inexplicably vanished. Now even if I wanted to try and recreate it, I don't even have time. Frustration and sadness and the urge to kick a bunny.

To Fub: A birthday poem

2010-09-28T14:32:00.002-07:00

A 'fub Needs Water

A 'fub is porous.
A 'fub absorbs water like a sponge.
(this is especially manifest in the hair of a 'fub)
A 'fub without water,
tends towards the raisin.

A 'fub needs water.

gustily, lustily

2010-09-25T16:11:00.002-07:00

The wind is blowing. We've been getting strong gusts for the past two days. It's very stormy and dark. As of yet, I like it.
I work tomorrow, a measly day shift, and then we're off to Vil-fub's (via Parksville). A 10 day vacation!

This morning me and Shawn ate cold pizza for breakfast, and then had a lazy morning playing Borderlands on the xbox, with occasional air/kissing breaks. There was a bear in our yard last night. He broke through the shed door (made of some plasticky sheeting) and got into the garbage. We heard him in the trees, crackling and snapping around! We couldn't see him though in the dark, and I didn't want to stand and watch through the open door in case Eastre (such a naughty ball of fur sometimes) decided to suddenly streak out. She got out one time at night, onto our back porch and THAT was scaaarey! so, yeah. Anyways, there was a bear. We had a lovely time reacquainting ourselves with our garbage.

ERMMmmmm yeah I gotta go!

a post of ailments

2010-09-19T08:52:00.003-07:00

This is a post dedicated to my ailments. You shall hear them in full! I shall not deprive you.

Well. I've had this cough, and somehow or other it's ended up damaging the cartiledge on my upper right ribcage. It was really painful for a while. Very like plurisy. A knife blade when you cough, laugh, move around etc. Except it was also hot and inflamed. Anyways, the doctor at the clinic didn't tell me much, just to take ibu, which helped. But THEN, in the past couple of days I've developed a painful back spasm. All on my right side, middle to lower. It's a constant angry, stale pain. The ONLY possision I feel relief in is when I'm sitting perfectly straight with my back perfectly supported. So I haven't been getting much sleep.

So there's a full confessional of my current health. I'm pretty sure our suite has mold - little Eastre (who's round body is getting heavier and sleeker, and face is plumping out adorably) is sneezing a lot. :(

We still haven't found a place. Having a cat is proving difficult, but even more so is the fact that we havnen't found a place that we'd be willing to stay in long term. I'm getting kind of anxious - we put in our month's notice already, have I mentioned that? But we'd be able to stay another month if we needed to, at our current place. Our landlords haven't found anyone else, and they just went to Germany. And they LOVE us. They came to say goodbye to us the day before they left, and gave us these big hugs. Klaus (tall, thin, mop of curly hair, very German-countryish) leaned in suddenly and poked Shawn in the chest. "What you want from Germany!" he said, as if he was asking his favourite grandchild. I always forget her name, but she peppers her sentences with "da" (meaning "yes" one presumes). She leaned in sheepishly and shyly to me and grabbed my hands, and asked if they could be invited to our wedding if we ever get married. I didn't know what to say, so I just said for sure they'd be invited, at which she blushed and laughed and was very delighted. haha. They're so kooky. They love Shawn especially because he always takes the time to chat with them. Aaanyways. So we need to find a place.

Our place is so cheerful now! I almost don't want to leave. If it wasn't for the mold, and the lack of light...But yeah, we have so many cheerful and bright things set up on the bookshelves (and I went one by one and organized the shelves so that the decor really stands out) and walls. I set up a shrine for the ocean spirit that Shawn's mom gave us. It's a little mischievous face carved into some coral and set in a big oyster shell. I put it on a shelf with a wooden dolphin, a totem pole, the owl difuser l'bee gave me for christmas, and hanging above all that on the wall is a blue painting by Bill Helen (a native artist from Parksville). It's of blue mountains with some native spirits floating over in paler blue. It's one of my favourite spots to look at. I also love the Mexican blue clay vase with the sun on it. We put it on a high shelf in the corner with some fiery sunset flowers in it. It really brightens up the corner. I think it's important to brighten up dark places with flowers!

Alright. Better get to work! It's pouring rain and beautiful here in Tofino. I'm in love.

plump white paw

2010-09-17T16:05:00.003-07:00

Last night I had a "cleansing" fire. Shawn built it up nice and high, and I burned the things I had from Andreas that I could burn. Shawn thought it would help me, but I'm not sure what it did. It certainly made me very, very sad to see the toque that Andrea made me that he loved and used to wear daily, burn away to nothing. That was probably the saddest peice. I cried. I expect the real benefit will be not seeing them around accidentally. Or wearing them. Sigh. My heart hurts.

But I'm very, very happy on the other side. Me and Shawn have become closer than ever over this. Ironically it's helped us become stronger. I've been open with him throughout the whole process, and funnily enough it's him talking to me about his break-up experiences that pulls my head out of the water and puts my feet back solidly on the ground. He's just so full of common sense. The things he says are full of it, it just appeals to MY sense and helps me a lot. I tend to waft into the clouds.

Tonight we're drinking some wine, putting some surf videos on, and decorating our place with a bunch of neat things we brought back from Shawn's parent's house in Parksville. Paintings and defusers and decorated blow guns and a neat colourful wooden mask to put on the door. It's friendly. It's going to be fun! I'm stolked. We're also planning on making a big batch of greek salad. Mmmmm.

I've got a snitch of time

2010-09-14T16:46:00.002-07:00

so much bloody laundry.

Treacherous: dangerously unstable and unpredictable; "treacherous winding roads"; "an unreliable trestle".

My heart is treacherous. I can't count on it to give me what I need when I need it. When I need to see and feel the (what I call)"Shawn Vision", it is elusive and I'm left high and dry and missing Andreas. Can't I stop missing him already? PLEASE???? (this is where the Universe booms out a resounding "NO", and then causes the next song to play on the radio to be a particular me/Andreas song, or the next person I meet to be named Andreas - seriously). This is quickly becoming the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Get over a boy. I know, it's sooooooooooooooo unoriginal. The way I'm experiencing it has a unique amy twist though. So there's that.

Fluffy pink robe.

My heart fills with love for my soft pinkish kitten/ball (she's very round), especially when she pounces at plastic bags, and when she melts into a furry rumbling puddle against me, and shamelessly broadcasts her white furry chin to be scratched. And when she climbs up my leg and right into the crook of my arm.

Brief (the tighty-whitey of posts)

2010-09-12T10:57:00.002-07:00

Last night I cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom and Shawn did the living space and mopped the floor. We both pontificated enthusiastically on the benefits of cleaning to your mental health. Shawn was saying that he learned that cleaning helps your state of mind after he moved out of home and had to learn how to take care of his own living space. I confessed that I'd grown up with a wonderful mom who instilled the benefits of a clean, uncluttered space on your state of mind into me constantly. I never thought to be grateful that she taught me to think that way. I've always just known that if I'm super depressed, and nothing else will help, if I clean something around the house it will do the trick.

The greatest gift that writing morning pages gives me is peace. It's so beneficial to me. Gradually I've found that no matter how hopelessly bad or depressed or frustrated or heartbroken (lately) I feel, by the time I write my last sentence, I've got this deep feeling of peace. I delve into things, take a look around, and even if I don't come up with an insight or a solution or whatever, I feel relief from whatever it may be that was making me feel badly. It's just so, so awesome! It's the only form of meditation that I've been able to continue on with semi-consistantly.

blueberry pancakes

2010-09-10T15:41:00.002-07:00

I'm getting better at selling people on our vacation rentals I like to think, but every once in awhile I'll make mistakes. Like when the lady who called the other day asked about our Forest Den cabin, and asked for a senior's rate. I was checking some people in at the same time, and slowly the fact that she'd said they were seniors trickled into my consiousness and I absentmindedly said the first words that came to my mind (the words of my boss when telling me who to sell the cabin to) which was that it wouldn't be a good place for seniors because of all the stairs. A pause.
"we're very able-bodied seniors" she said coldly. Whoops. WHY did I say that? I just blurted it out without thinking. hahaha. I tried to recover by saying something about the cramped loft that the stairs LED to (a weak recovery I know), but her voice was decidedly icy when she said she'd try somewhere else and hung up the phone. Oohhhhh well. Ya can't win 'em all!

Me and Shawn made a joint effort to make our place nice and clean for his birthday. He did the dishes and I tidied up our living space. Eastre took a lot of solemn joy in stalking a plastic grocery bag that was on the floor - from time to time she'd suddenly streak full speed at it and leap at it and go nuts for a while, and then streak away as suddenly as she'd come. Cats! Gotta love 'em. Eastre's neck is plumping up.

Anyways, for the morning of Shawn's birthday I got up earlyish and made him breakfast: oatmeal with fresh chunks of plum and some pears sauteed in butter and cinnamon, bacon, and cinnamon toast. And a fresh mug of coffee, obviously. Yum. Only, our milk was bad so I was forced to use heavy cream for the oatmeal. I tried to lighten it up with a lot of water, but it just TASTED sooo rich. The bacon and toast were delicious of course, but we ended up going out for breakfast at the Sea Shanty later. We both got the smoked salmon benny. Then I gave him his presents! I painted him a picture, which he loved, but I also got him a stomp pad for his surfboard, a deep brown and pale green long-sleeved button-up flannel shirt (looks soooo sexy on him)and a green hoodie. He loves clothes almost as much as ME. -sweeet.

We both had to work later that day, but it was our Friday so afterwards we were off to Parksville so Shawn could see his parents. We had a really good time in Parksville. We spent a lot of time at Rathtrevor, walking and talking. It was sunny and blue, too hot half the time and too cold the rest. Definitely Autumn. Our first night in Parksville we had a little get together with some of Shawn's friends in nanaimo. We ended up sleeping over there rather than driving back to P.ville in the middle of the night, but when everybody else was asleep I convinced Shawn to go for a midnight walk with me. His friend lives right off Bay st, the lower part, so I was right in my home territory! We walked down to the water and cuddled on a log for awhile talking before walking back.

The next morning we had a post-party breakfast at a diner in downtown nanaimo. Tina's Diner. I've been there once in the days of Bri-bun YEARS ago. it looks really kinda ugly and plain, and the menu is not very varied for breakfast, but we were pleasently surprised! I got the veggie benny wrap and Shawn got a benny with bacon, and they were delicious! The hollandaise sauce was actually good. Not like the tasteless sludge you get at places like ABC. Anyways, after breakfast we had to rush off so Shawn could make it to his appointment in Parksville to see the results of his MIR. The rest of the day we hung out with his parents, who continually fed us delicious food, and went for another walk on the beach before heading back home. It was a long drive. I nodded off against my will and woke up all disoriented thinking we were still around the Ukee-tofino junction, and we were just pulling into our driveway. Ahhhh. Home. Nice. We both passed out almost immediately.

furry bisquit

2010-09-05T15:06:00.003-07:00

My cat is a furry bisquit. She is sleeking out and elongating at an alarming rate! She still has her cute kitten face. She likes it when I wear a hoodie with draw strings and hold her like a baby (she loves being held! yay!). She'll just lie with her round furry tummy in full display and bat at my draw strings. It's adorable.

I erased my last post because I'd just rather not have that out there. I ALWAYS regret posting things like that. It's funny, because I realize this as I'm posting. I know what's going to happen. Yet, I cannot still the impulse. Ah well. It makes me feel sheepish.

Anyways, I've finally acheived what I've been looking for. I notice that I only seem to learn things after I've recieved the answer about a million times, until I'm finally able to open my eyes and accept what the answer is. I get flooded and overwhelmed with emotions and completely lose my head - I get run away with passions like a child. But I always come out with what I'm looking for. Now I've got the ground firmly beneath my feet once again and it feels goooood.

In this case, after a grueling talk session with Shawn that night, I finally burst out with something, and Shawn pointed out to me that I'd just clearly described to him what was going on in my head. "that's the clearest you've been in a month" he said, and then everything clicked. I let a small bit of Andreas go, and then I was flooded with...peace. The other thing I was looking for. Since then It's gotten easier to think about and accept, because it's opened up my heart to Shawn, and he's flooded that little crack I've given him with love. Now I can accept that. I'm happy. It hurts a lot to let Andreas go, and the process to get there was an emotional roller coaster, but now that I've started I've learned that I can let him go and still retain the love I have for him. Only now it feels a whole lot less selfish.

To wrap up this post I'll tell y'all how I spent my morning. Shawn left for work at 8:30 after we shared a cup of coffee together. I pulled out the painting I'm working on for his birthday and worked on it for a bit until I couldn't anymore (it's his birthday on tuesday! he'll be my age!), after which I cuddled with Eastre and read, and eventually ventured out for a quick jog. Then I came home, had a shower, watched Eastre bat her little green mouse furiously around the floor, took a few clicks of her in the bathroom sink, and came to work. And there you have it. Now it's time to get to work agaaaaiiiiiinnnnnnn

merry making

2010-08-28T17:00:00.004-07:00

I'm back at work. I've had a lot of time off lately, it seems...last week I had an extra day off, and yesterday was supposed to be my Monday but when I got to work I discovered that I wasn't supposed to be working after all. ALSO, I took this coming Monday off to go to Nanaimo with Shawn for his MRI. My paycheck is going to suck, but I am full of not caring. Free time's worth more to me than money!

Last night I was tired. Me and Shawn had plans for a crab dinner, but that didn't happen. We went to the beach after Shawn got off work and hung out in the sand for awhile (warm sand, cold wind) and walked along the water. Then we went home and I talked to 'fub on the phone for a bit, and pretty much as soon as we got off the phone I passed out. I told Shawn it was going to be a "cat nap" while he had a shower and that he was to wake me up when he got out, but that plan went down the tubes too, as my "cat nap" turned out to REALLY mean that I fell into a deep unshakeable sleep. Shawn tried to wake me up. Apparently I was flailing and making funny various grunts and moans. I elbowed him in the forehead. (wonder what I was dreaming?) Anyways, I eventually woke up fully clothed and sweating. It gets sooo hot at night if we don't have the window open, and it wasn't, AND I had my warm clothes on to boot. Not pleasant.

Now I'm juuust about to leave work. Shawn's waiting for me here. I'm not sure what we're going to do tonight...eat, drink and be merry I suppose!(not the evil kind though).

devilish soft purry kitten

2010-08-17T16:17:00.002-07:00

Chill day at work. And it's my Fridayyyy! woo hoo!

It's very lovely in Tofino today. The sun's out, the brownish smoky haze is gone, and there's a cool refreshing breeze. I went for an hour-long run today. I ran all the way to Chesterman's beach from my place. Maybe it was the fact that Shawn's parents presented us with our own little manual coffee maker, and Shawn made me a strong cup before leaving for work today, but I felt strong and excellent and like I could have run for longer. It felt sooo good.

One thing I've noticed about living here: you are very aware of being close to nature. It's like you're camping all the time - you can't leave food out or you'll attract bears, and I've SEEN a bear emerge from the leafy cover beside the multi-use path I use to run on. Makes me want to get some bear spray. We won't even mention cougars...although I don't worry about those in town. Makes me want to get bear spray for the winter when there'll be less light and considerably less people!
I love being so close to nature though. The wilderness is so pure here. It hasn't lost that pure mystical quality. There's Meare's Island (the mountainous island that is basically the main view when you look out over Clay-o-quot harbour - the harbour in town here). Meare's is so neat because, unlike other forests all over the world, it's NEVER experienced a forest fire. Other forests routinely are naturally burnt down, but because of the heavy fog covering Meares in the hottest months of the year, it never ever has. It has the oldest growth forest in Canada. It used to have the largest tree in Canada before it fell down in a storm (a red cedar). Right now Meares is under a Moritorium. In other words, there's people who can't wait to log it down, and people trying to protect it, and the case has been put on hold temporarily. I basically can't believe there's a possibility that people would be allowed to log Meares Island. Then there's the Catface Mtns on one of the other islands in the harbour that they want to mine for copper, and doing this would bascially destroy the habitat around there for countless species of marine life, cause toxic waste to be produced and dumped, and only for the tiniest amount of copper. Oh, and they'd also have to dynamite huge chunks away, and this would be visible from town. Why oh WHY are people so pigheaded? It's breaks a person's heart! Not to be dramatic or anything, but I care a lot about these rare, untouched areas. They NEED to be protected!

I'm now going to brag about Shawn for a second. He's guiding kayak tours at work now, and there's this old guy Dan who's this kayaking icon around here. he's in his 60's and he lives out on Vargas island I think. Shawn had an opportunity to work with him one day, helping to build trails on Meares and kayaking and stuff, and he just found out that Dan told Shawn's boss after that that Shawn reminded him of himself when he was that age. Shawn's thrilled because he totally looks up to this guy. and I'm super proud of him.

Eastre's got a devilish streak (of course she does. Is there a cat that doesn't?). She's been keeping me and Shawn up because we're trying to teach her to stop jumping up on the table. Every time she did last night we'd put her in her cage in the other room and shut the door, but we still heard her plaintive meows. After awhile we'd let her out again and she'd go right back up there. I caught her every time though. It would like, wake me up - hearing the tiny crinkle-crinkle sound of her licking the plastic bag up there. Sooo, the bottom line is, not much sleep! Ohhh she's sooo purry and cuddly though, and I love her so much. She loves me too. I finally made her a toy that she loves. I tied a plump woolen knit mouse to my yo-yo string! She goes nuts chasing it. It's fun. I think she's got the picture about the table too now, I forgot to mention. But we'll see. We're taking her with us to Parksville tomorrow and she'll have to live with Soul for a bit. Soul's used to being the man-kitty of the house. He might humble her a bit.

Anyways, time to stop slacking and get back to work!

kitten love

2010-08-14T17:23:00.003-07:00

I can write more luxuriously today because my laundry's almost all done. YAY! LOVE days like today.

It's HOT here in Tofino. Like 27 degrees. Such a sudden turn around. We can see a brown haze on the horizon, and yesterday the air was definitely smoky. Crazy how that smoke travels.

Eastre is doing really well! She's just way too adorable. I really don't think she's stopped purring once since we took her away from the cat rescue. That's not even an exaggeration, she is constantly purring. Loudly, too. It kept me up last night. She spent most of the night nestled in my arm pit, or squished so close next to my side I was practically lying on top of her. I couldn't feel her because she's too tiny, I could just hear a loud and constant purr. She took a small break from cuddling with me once to bite Shawn's big toe. She's sooo pretty. her face is angular like a Siamese, and she has a very (surprisingly) screechy meow, so we think she's got some Siamese in her. Aaanyways. We're keeping her a secret from our landlords while we're searching for a new place to live. It's kinda stressful, but whatever! I already know what I'll say if I'm confronted about it while Shawn's not there. I hope he is though. They LOVE Shawn.

I just whiffed some cologne through the sliding glass doors that was so strong I immediately got up to check and see if someone was in the office. No one was, though. Someone out there must really have overdone it with the cologne.

That reminds me of a creepy old man who started talking to me on a rare day when I didn't have my bike at work and was walking home. He was short and brownish and had white thinning hair and was very scrawny. He started talking to me just after I left work, and I was immediately creeped out, due to the fact that he invited me to his hotel room and shortly thereafter asked me what grade I was in in high school. Sick, an old 50-something man inviting a girl he thinks is in highschool to his hotel room??? Definitely creepy. I mean it's just creepy even without that. He wouldn't get the picture even though I was downright rude and cold and didn't even look at him, and kept walking with me and chatting incessantly. He tried again to invite me to his room and tried to get my email address so I could help him out with some "business" - something to do with researching, total b.s. - and he taunted me when I said Um, No. (No with a capital "N"). Luckily though, during all this time I had taken out my cellphone and texted Shawn about this creepo guy bothering me, and I was shocked to see Shawn speed up and pull in beside me in like under a minute!! It was awesome. He totally came to my rescue. After I got in the truck, he went searching for the guy but he'd completely dissappeared. Creeper. Haha, now Shawn drives me home every night. :D

This morning Shawn didn't have to go to work until later, so we got up and went out for coffee together. It's so hard to get a cup of coffee here at the mo', because it's just insanely busy. there's only a few places to get coffee, and there's ALWAYS line-ups in all of them. But we like doing this together before Shawn goes to work because it's a nice buffer, makes us feel like we were able to spend some quality time together before the cruel world tears us apart for 7+ hours...haha but really. We're glued together. I'm not even going to attempt to hide this. At night, I'll wake up feeling strange if I'm not cuddled up right next to him. Shawn can't even sleep without me right next to him. I'll often wake up and see that he's awake too, so I'll move over to cuddle and hear his breathing immediately change. We've just got some good vibes together and that's the bottom line! Eastre loves Shawn already too. (Shawn's a huge cat person if I hadn't specified that already). Alright though, I think I've rambled for long enouogh. Till next time!!!

I am a fish I am a fish and I need water

2010-08-10T19:15:00.002-07:00

The title's from a Hey, Ocean! song that I particularly like. I relate. I've always had a good relationship with water.

Just writing a quicky 'cause it's the end of my shift. Work was busy-busy for me today. It was one of those days with back-to-back phone calls. Tofino motel, how can I help you....tofino motel, how can I help you....tofino motel, how can I help you...over, and over, and OVER. Speak of the devil, there it is ringing now...

Ok - it is now a few days later. It's my first day back at work after my weekend. Me and Shawn went over to Parksville after my shift on Friday. It's always nice going there. His mom is in Quebec for the month visiting with family, and I think Bruce (his dad) liked the company. Our first morning we lounged around. Me and Shawn made blueberry pancakes and Bruce made us coffee, and we just hung out around the kitchen table and living room. Me and Shawn did some stretches. (we do that together. Stretch. Is that weird?) When it started to move towards the afternoon we started off for Nanaimo to shop for the BBQ.

Our contribution was corn on the COB. I wanted to make this yummy herbed butter to have with them, but we didn't have any time by the time we'd shopped for Kyle's b-day. Our time was also swallowed up with kitty searching. We called many numbers, drove to the pound, checked out the SPCA. We found a fuzzy little black boy, but we were looking for a female so that it would have a better chance of getting along with Shawn's Soul if need be. Anyways, no luck.

The BBQ was good times. Katie and Brent were there, and Anne was there with a friend. I got Kyle Red Dead Redemption for the PS3. Me and Shawn have it for the X-box and we're pretty into it. I hope he likes it! He seemed surprised to get a gift at all. For Stott I got a belated pale purple drippy sleeveless soft vest thingy (good with leggin's was my thought) and a scarf to wear with it. When I gave Stott her present, I all of a sudden realized that I should have brought something for Katie too. I was sort of thinking that her birthday is after mom's, but it's totally not, is it? Sure is hard remembering so many birthdays. I feel bad.

Kyle and Sarah were providing the main part of the meal - burgers. These burgers, it must be mentioned, were hu-uuuge. Tasty, flavourful and juicy. but HUGE. Just had to make sure that was documented. The corn me and Shawn brought was super sweet, and Katie made some delicious mango salso and some chipotle sauce for the burgers. Stott had a carrott cake that she'd made.

It was really the first time Shawn had met anyone aside from Stott. He was super stoked to meet another sister of mine and the neices and nephews. He says that he was surprised at how at ease he felt, so thanks everyone!! Also of note, him and Anne reazlized that they knew each other. Shawn actually used to mow her lawn??! And also they knew each other from school...from Anne helping out some kids there. neat!

Umm...so, best for last. Right before we left to go back to Tofino on Thursday, we finally were able to get ahold of a cat rescue society we'd been trying to call all weekend. Long story short, we were led at long last to Qualicum Cat Rescue, which was brimming over with kittens. They just let them loose in the store. They have cat beds on all the shelves behind the big bags of cat food. I found that out by accident, when I happened to shove a bag of food aside looking for something, and was alarmed to see a huge cat face right in front of me. Then I saw several beds, and kittens lounging around back there. Anyways, I was drawn immediately to a tiny little girl - a pale, creamy orange scrap of fur with amber eyes. Her information said that her name was Lola and that she was adopted - !!! But I really wanted her, so I asked one of the workers, and I'm so glad I did because it turned out that they'd made a mistake and she WASN'T adopted. I wanted her because she was such a calm spirit. Very chilled out. Most of the other kittens were bundles of crazy energy. Plus, I've always loved that colour of cat. So, I plunked down the money and carried her off to her new home. She curled up on my lap and slept, after making her rounds of the truck. I promised her I'd always take care of her and never abandon her. She spent half the night curled up against my shoulder blades, and the other half squished inbetween me and shawn as we cuddled. She purred loudly all night. I named her Eastre.

to resolve

2010-08-07T19:25:00.004-07:00

It's the end of my shift and I'm almost all finished up, so I'm taking this opportunity to write a quick post!

No kitten, by the way. The ones that were available were taken by the time I was done my shift. But we're still on the search. We're going to get two now! Siblings, so Shawn can have his own cat to terrorize and leave mine alone, and also because two are better than one we think. Just so's they always have a companion to play with. Shawn's not going to pull Soul away from Parksville. He's so content at that house, and he just goes around and follows the sun all day. That's what he does. He certainly wouldn't be able to do that HERE. We're missing the main ingredient. Sun.

I'm no longer in turmoil over anything, so that's good. Me and Shawn are safe, and I somehow managed to say goodbye to Andreas for good. I don't think I would be even able to say goodbye to him like that if it weren't for the physical distance between us. But THAT is definitely a boon. I'm glad that I have almost no memories of him here. It's funny though, the one place we stayed in when we came here on my 23 birthday is next door to Shawn's work, and only half a block from where Shawn was living at that time. Crazy! I walked so close to him and had no idea. But anyways, I don't intend to write anymore on here about my heartbreak for Andreas. The most compelling thing about our relationship is that I wanted to fix the things I had done wrong, because those things were tied to me personally, as like, huge guilt burdens that I've been carrying around for 3 plus years. And now I have to let go of all that. I REALLY wanted to make it better. But now I just have to let it go, and it's hard. Really hard. But now that I understand, I can have peace of mind, because now I know my own mind and that feels good.

Blah blah BLAH. I went out the other day on standby with a kayaking group Shawn was the assistant guide for. It was fantastic, we went to the big tree trail on Meares island, and it made me feel like I was a good kayaker (in comparison)! Learning to stroke with your body, side to side instead of dipping in and out like a canoe has been the biggest challenge for me, but once I got the movement it sort of clicked. Anyways, I have to run and finish up. I must vaccuum the cavernous dryer and empty the dishwasher. I have an average of 5 mosquito bites per limb.

rough roads.... to smooth people

2010-08-02T17:02:00.003-07:00

'nother slow laundry day. The sun has finally come out! It's been a chilly moist cloud of fog for about a week now. They call August "Fogust" here for a reason.

Hmm I don't know what to write. I think I've aired out enough drama with that last post, so I'm just gonna skip right over that for now. I think I'm making it harder on myself than it has to be. If I didn't talk to Andreas ever, things would be a lot smoother. Obviously. Feelings would stay put!!

There's this back road that we drove along once to get to this kooky animal lady's farm (she's an animal doctor) in search of kittens, and I noticed that sign. First one nailed to a tree: Rough Roads..
and then the second one a minute later: to Smooth People. Shawn says that me and him together have a very strong smooth people vibe. I might have to agree, we're pretty neat.

I'm going to look at kittens tonight!!!!! I might come home with a KITTEN!!!! And it's FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (well, partially of course. I mean obviously I'll need a few other supplies..). I wonder which cat will speak to me? I've never had a pet of my own, one that I was able to pick out especially for me, and raise. Shawn already has a cat, although it lives in Parksville, so this is going to be my cat. His cat is black, small yet plump, with the biggest roundest green eyes. His name is Soul. The whole fam - Ma, Pa and Shawn are in love with this cat. Shawn was surprised when Soul warmed up to me right away and came to sleep on my legs my first night there. This always happens to me with cats though. It's like they can sense that I'll let them have their way with me. I'm very unthreatening. That must be it. Unthreatening and calm. But really, it's not just Soul that's warmed up to me. The whole family has accepted me as one of them. Last time we were in P.ville, me and Shawn brought our laundry to do and left it there while we went to Vic, etc. However, upon returning to P.ville, we found that Shawn's dad had cleaned and folded our laundry for us. And for some reason the sight of all of my clothes, including my underwear, all neatly stacked and carefully folded was really touching. It..it was parent-like. Shawn assured me his dad would NEVER have done that before. so I feel special.

2010-08-01T17:57:00.002-07:00

I'm at work once again and I've got the last load of laundry in the dryer, so I've got time to slack off a little! I love getting the laundry done early, and it doesn't happen very often. It gives me a chance to actually sit down and relax for a bit. Watch some Food Network. Right now my faaaaavourite is on: Iron Chef America. I know it's cheezy.....but I love it. I've always had a weakness for cheezy done well, come to think of it.

Me and Shawn didn't go kayak camping for our days off after all, because it was raining in Tofino. So we quickly made a change of plans and decided to finally drive to Vic and get the rest of my stuff, and while there go camping at Sombrio Beach in Port Renfrew. I was stressed about the Andreas visit...things are going really really well with Shawn, but every time I talk to Andreas we (me and Shawn) seem to go through a crisis, because no matter how hard I try to NOT feel this, I can never stop from feeling depressed, and withdrawn, for like 2 or 3 days afterwards. I just miss him soooooo much. I can't help it. Shawn senses the change in me immediately. So, yeah. It's not good.

In Vic, I met Andreas for coffee before going to get my stuff. I was all prepared to tell him that I'd chosen Shawn over him, and that's what I did, but for some reason I can't at all figure out, this conversation did not lend us closure. At all. In fact it seemed to do just the opposite, and I spent the drive to Sombrio, and then that night, and the next day and the next, feeling anxious, heart-broken and confused and trying desperately to hide all of this from Shawn (failed miserably). It doesn't help that both of our attitudes have become more grown-up and accepting - I can't even believe how much Andreas has turned around since I left. It's like my leaving set him FREE. He's a completely changed man. I can't just shrug these feelings off. Is there really something about him I just can't leave, or am I just going through normal break-up feelings? I don't want to feel this way, because it makes everything all of a sudden complicated, but...I feel incapable of commiting to anybody with this hanging over me. I am not at peace right now.

I didn't want to write about this at all, but it all just sorta flooded out once I started typing. so now it's out there...and I actually feel better. I hope nobody thinks I'm too silly.

is it love or just paris

2010-07-27T15:26:00.003-07:00

Still don't have the 'net................... yer tellin ME.

So I'm at work right now. It's my Friday, and me and Shawn are going camping for the next 3 days! I'm excited. It will be the first weekend we'll have had in Tofino in ages. We almost ALWAYS go up to Parksville, just because of things that keep coming up...courses Shawn has to take, his mom leaving for a month, etc. And because we've both been so busy at work, and our schedules are conflicting a tad, I haven't been kayaking in ages. We're taking a big double kayak...I don't know where yet. I think we might go to Blunden Island, apparently it has a lovely secluded sandy beach, and no one goes there because it's a bit of a mission and you have to cross open ocean.

The other day we went and saw Virgin Falls. Now to get there is a bit tricky, because you have to drive for an hour or two on gravel backroads - roads which for the last hour hardly deserve the name "road". Plus none of the roads are marked of course, so we only had our map to rely on. I really didn't feel like we'd get there at ALL, I was pretty firmly convinced that we were lost (I didn't say this to Shawn). But, we came to a point were we all of a sudden started crossing a lot of bridges, and under the bridges were streams running extremely fast and looking almost like waterfalls. So yes we DID finally make it there (once we did, we almost didn't find the trail - went back and forth past it about 5 times...). It's a pretty neat waterfall shooting out over some rocks like a huge super-powered jet stream, and with a cold, clear pool to swim in all around it. We had the place to ourselves. It was worth it. It was a pretty amazing day actually. On the way to the Falls we actually took a wrong turn that turned out to be quite a delightful detour. It ended pretty fast at this clearing where they'd apparently been doing some logging - there was a small clearing and a dock with a boathouse, and the road went right down to the ocean. It was completely deserted. Shawn backed his truck right down to the water's edge and we sat on the tailgate with our feet in the water. It was so warm and calm we thought it was a lake, and went swimming (which is when we found out that it obviously was not a lake). Kissing Shawn with my feet in the ocean is one of my favourite things. Ha!! Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezy....

Anyways...me and Shawn are starting our own little business together. The idea was sprouted when I went with him one day when we did some yard work for his boss. I helped him out with the weedeating (yes, I weedeat!!!I'm proud of this), and we did some planting and pruning and weeding, and he taught me some neat things. His parents do that for a living, and he worked with a landscaping company for awhile, so he knows what he's doing. I'm suuuuuuuuuper stoked!!! I actually can't wait. It's so much fun just being outside in the garden with him, and the thought of getting paid for that?? Ohh goodness. We're going to start putting ads out in the fall. It's also rad because I've often wanted to take a horticulture class so I could do just exactly THIS as a living...now I totally get to skip that step. I'm pretty confident that we can get a pretty good thing going fairly quickly. I'm relying on what Shawn's told me, because he's done this for a living before, on his own in the winter in Tofino.

This is a slow day at work, which is why I've been able to write so much. I'll just finish off with saying that abiding the words of mudsy will bring you a long ways. Lately I've especially been hearing her soft mudsy voice in my head telling me how important it is to be content and happy with the decisions that you make (circa Smitty's rest. in 100 mile house on the way back from Bachfub's wedding, when I couldn't decide whether I wanted french toast or eggs benny, and then as soon as I ordered french toast, made a point of regretting it and wishing I'd ordered the benny...yes I know, too much info).Anyways one of the many instances in which she has imported such relevant, useful and true advice that really impacts the way I live my life and try to be happy. We have the best mom.

sneak sneak

2010-07-16T19:02:00.002-07:00

I'm just popping on to do a quick post - a very quick post indeed. I'm at work you see. You may have guessed due to my long absense, that me and Shawn got the place, and that's why we don't have internet, but we're getting it soon (possibly tonight!).

Now I'm having a hard time thinking of what to write about. I'm still in love, so nothing new there....Hmmm. I can write about our new place. I'm becoming rather fond of it, but it's not THE place, if you know what I mean. The main problem is that it is too dark, and ALSO they don't allow pets. So it's a temporary place, probably until the winter when more places open up. But right now it sure beats what we had going on before. I'm sentimentally attached to it. Living with Shawn rocks. He's very clean and organized, and he cooks me things. We cook each other things. In the morning I can't get enough of cuddling with him. We're in the midst of a brand new video game that we play together. So life with Shawn is going very, very, very well.

I feel guilty for loving Shawn so well and not loving Andreas so well. But I don't know if things would have become so clear to me if I hadn't changed situations like I did. But still. I also miss him. I'm not over him yet. I called him today - the first time since I last posted about it. he was going to call me back "after 7", but it's 7:30 and he hasn't called me, and I now recall that it's Friday which means I probably won't be getting a call until late, because it's Quiz night - that exclusive night I was never allowed to go to. I'm nervous to talk to him, I'm afraid that he'll hurt me, but yet I felt the urge to call him so strongly all of a sudden this morning, that I just did. Sigh.

I've found out that jogging ROCKS...seriously (even more than I already thought). I love to do it, I want to go out all the time (it's not hard for me to go out at all!), and I only have to run for 45 min. twice a week, and that's enough to boost my metabolism a CRAZY amount. (I DO try to go out 3 times a week though.) Not to mention my legs have received quite the slimming. Yep, I'm definitely jumping on the jogging wagon. This girl is SOLD.

This has turned out to not be very short. I'm done all my work and there's nothing left to do, so what can I say? Hopefully I'll have the 'net soon and you'll be hearing from me again shortly!

Universe Puzzles, Determination (Stubborness?), and a thrilling future!

2010-06-26T12:33:00.005-07:00

I work in half an hour, and then I get Sunday off!! Yayayayayayay. Phew, work has been tough. I have NEVER experienced such stress in a job before. Lore and Molly, her daughter, are both pretty hard on me. Yesterday I felt like I was getting ragged on for every little thing. It's super discouraging, because it feels like they EXPECT me to do something wrong - but that could just be me. But, here's the strange part. I'm kind of glad things are so tough. It's a challenge presented to me from the universe for me to puzzle out, and I intend to! I'm not going to quit trying, unless I get fired - which would be devastating, but at least I'd know I'd given it my all. All I want to get from this experience is self respect and confidence and knowledge and experience, and I can get that if I stick to it and keep trying, I'm pretty sure. I just hope Lore doesn't give up on me. Urgh. This is definitely the hardest job I've ever had.

You know what I love - when me and Shawn go to Ukee. I love Ukee!! It's quieter and quainter than Tofino. It's beautiful there too. It's just not a party town like Tofino. I want to live there eventually. I could see myself settling there. I've never been able to see myself settle ANYWHERE with excitement. This is a good thing! ....Mind you, there are some big developments happening with Ukee and soon it might get a lot bigger and busier. That would suck. I'd have to find a new place to settle in if that happened. Shawn loves Ukee too. We both want to stay on the west coast of the island if possible. We want to eventually start our own kayaking tour business. We'd do custom tours for people, to all sorts of cool places, like the Queen Charlottes, and the Broken Group, maybe even far north!!! It would be sooo amazing. I'm thrilled with the idea. The best part is it's so possible, and so easy to imagine. Shawn's already half-way there. I just need to get into one of those guiding courses and start studying, and it doesn't take long. YAY!!!

cheesey eggy sandwhich love

2010-06-25T09:41:00.004-07:00

My internet is FINALLY working again, after a week's drought. So here's an update on ze life of MOI!

Well, shockingly, me and Shawn may have found a place. It's a really nice place just outside of town with a covered deck out back, and I could see us living there EASY. But, I realize this all must seem like a mad rush to everybody. I hope it doesn't, because I'm happy about it. For the first time I can ever remember, I'm looking forward to winter. We talk about it all the time, what we're going to do on our days off and in the evenings and how we're going to build a cozy lill love nest together!

So that's the biggest news. I was GOING to try to explain what's going on with my living situation right now, but it's just too confusing. I don't even really understand what's going on, so let's just skip that altogether! I will say though that Shawn has been spending a lot of time at my place lately. (His roommates are yucky). I was a little anxious at him being in my space so much, but I ended up being surprised at how nice it's been. He's so respectful of me and my things and my space that it's not even been an adjustment, except that now that I'm used to him being around so much, I don't think I can get un-used to it!!! No one has EVER melted my defenses (or sneakily ghosted right past them somehow) so thouroughly.

RATATAT!!!! soooo soooo soooo good. (a band, if you didn't gather)(try the songs Allure, or Loud Pipes or Wildcat..). Current Swell is a surfer band that Shawn got me into. I like the song "Stomach". I've allsooo gotten into the band Pheonix--OH!!! C-mon & Kypski!!!! THEY ARE AMAZING. Those are my music updates.

The day before yesterday me and Shawn went for an early morning surf/jog. We went out to Long Beach, happily for me! I LOVE running on that beach. So much beach to run on. It's glorious. Plus it's particularly beautiful. Anyways, I ran my longest beach run yet and felt amazing. Against everything I would have believed I've fallen in love with running. It's more personal than cycling. I don't like how it makes my hips and knees feel though. So right, after my jog I sat on the sand for awhile, and then walked along the ocean watching the surfers and trying to recognize Shawn. Then I gave up and was just standing facing the ocean with the waves rolling in around my legs, when who magically appears out of the waves in front of me but Shawn! It was neat, and it reminded me of a dream I had where I was standing on the beach watching the surfers and trying to pick out Shawn, and then I saw him ride a wave and I knew it was him. hehe. I am just FULL of the cheese.

Yesterday me and Shawn made amazing breakfast sandwiches, on sourdough bread with mayo and cheese and a fried egg, and sauteed peppers and onions and spinach leaves. Lots of pepper. MMMMmmm!!!

2010-06-20T20:12:00.003-07:00

I have been supremely lazy today. I was supposed to go for a jog, but little things kept coming up that stopped me from going, like the fact that I was in the middle of doing laundry and my jogging clothes were being washed. Sometimes that's all it takes for my motivation to elude me altogether. It's not good! However, tomorrow is Monday and the road should be dead in the morning and I WILL go for a bike ride. I've missed flying along on my bike anyhow. I'm just not as happy if I don't exercise! That's the plain and simple truth.

As for what's going on with me moving out of my place, well....meh, It's all a moot point anyways because NOTHING is available this time of year.

The weather (after a 3-day streak of lovely SUN) has been cloudy, no rain, fog here n' there. It's weather that I think suits Tofino and I have no complaints with it. Nope! None whatsoever.

Awww...today is the last day of my 3-days off streak. They've been so lovely!! Tonight Shawn's making greek salad and we're watching a scary movie. I've been craving making potato salad...warm potato salad with baby potatos and lots of raw garlic, and green onions, ginger, carrots, parsley, dill, yogurt and mayo and lemon and lots and lots of pepper. And cumin. MMMMMMM. I'm going to do that soon. Today I'm not hungry enough. I haven't used up enough energy yet and I've already gorged on english muffin with cream cheese...

I feel so cut off from Andreas, when I think about it it's weird.

slippery grey backs of whales

2010-06-18T11:29:00.002-07:00

You see, me and Shawn went on a "booze cruise" last night because Shawn got free tickets for us. It's really just a whale watching tour with alcohol, and the boat was packed with scenesters, but that was ok because it was pretty fun making fun of them. I'm excited for them to leave after the summer's over. Aaanyways, the boat rollicked over swell, down through some inlet or other. It was lots of fun, kind of like a roller coaster. And we did see some whales. Some grey whales. And a sea otter paddling around on his back. The boat drifted to a stop. The slippery barnacled humps of the whales' backs as they glided by us were hard to see because they looked like rolling grey waves, but then all of a sudden you'd hear and see one blow some mist out of it's blow hole, and then a huge dark tail would suddenly appear as it disappeared into the water! It was neat, because they were so close - which is why, incidentally, I am so against whale watching tours. They get waay too much into the whale's space. But.......I have to admit it was neat to see them so close. I love whales. I want to be one in a next life!

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm MAYBE some of you missed in my last post when I mentioned me and Shawn getting a place together? Ahem. I....want to spend my entire life and anything else there is with this person. Always. He's my man. The man of my life. Incidentally...have I yet mentioned that there are elements about him that remind me of hugh jackman? ....

that's right.

:D

situation is critical

2010-06-17T08:47:00.002-07:00

I only have a few minutes before I have to go to work. It's been a hectic past little while! Soob came down from Vic to visit me with her friend on Monday - they were only supposed to stay for one night, but they ended up staying for 3 nights and it totally turned into an awkward thing for me here at the house, because everyone was peeved with these extra people here and stuff, and word got back to Lore. Oh JEEZ. I do not like the impression I am making here at all!!! I'm stressed about it. I don't like having my boss as my landlord. I'd like to not have to worry about my boss hearing about my personal life, you know? -Anyways, so that's why you are hearing about the fact that I'm looking for a place with Shawn 2 months ahead of schedule. We were planning on getting a place in the fall when all the nice places open up cause everyone leaves, but both of us have stressful living situations right now, so we're going to start looking. It's like an impossible task to find a nice place here at this time of year, so more likely than not we'll end up moving in Sept. anyways - it just makes me feel better if i'm actively searching for other options.

Gotta go to work!! I'll blog more later.

Windblown sunshiney day!

2010-06-13T15:32:00.004-07:00

I thought I should follow up on the work situation! I talked to Lore and pretty much said that I take my job seriously and that if anything was ever up I'd really appreciate straight-forwardness and all that...anyways, I could hardly get a word in edgewise, because as soon as I started and she got what I was getting at, she jumped in and said all this stuff...like that I'm doing a great job and that they love having me there and that the training was just going to take awhile, and that's exactly what she had been expecting. And then she gave me a hug. A hug!! I knew I should have had more faith in her. She's the best boss I've ever had, that's for sure. It's just that she doesn't mince words at all. I KNOW this, and I'm also equipped with a knowledge of my over-sensitivity, and that I just need to chill around people like that and not take things personally. She's not harsh either. She has sensitivity, but she's still very straight-forward. Which is good. My feelings get in the way though sometimes, and then logic flies right out the window! Anyways, so that's all good, and work is great again.

I'm taking an Amy day today. I haven't in a long time, because sometimes they happened naturally due to conflicting schedules....and also because, quite frankly I don't like taking them. It's so hard when someone you love wants to spend most of their time with you, and you really do too, and if YOU didn't say anything, it wouldn't happen. I've tried going without them. I just get depressed. Repressed. Not personality wise, I just start feeling Lost, because when I spend all my time with Shawn, I start feeling like I'm being washed along in the flow instead of making my own flow kind of thing. I also get scared, I guess. I have to admit. I feel a lot for this boy, and it's all happened so fast. I don't know. I just start feeling like I need to orient myself as ME, not as me AND someone. I let go of my personal goals when I don't have Amy days. Anyways, I'm totally rambling... but can anyone else relate?

It's SUNNY, but windy. Very, VERY windy. I was just going to go for a jog! The road is far too busy for a cycle. I wish it wasn't so sketchy. Ah well! What can one do?

The Lady Sunshine - a band I've just downloaded, and they seem really good so far.

There's something about folding white laundry on a sunny day that just feels right. Especially if there's a breeze.

A coincidence I recently noted: I've been craving Loreena McKennit music, the CD that Laura used to play for 'fub and me, and so I downloaded it. Then the next day at work, Lore had a big old school radio brought in so she could listen to CBC all day, and who did they happen to be featuring on one of the shows? Loreena McKennit of course, and she sung "the lady of shallot", which is the song I was particularly wanting to hear. Life is funny!

one more thing

2010-06-12T11:11:00.002-07:00

I forgot to mention that after work yesterday I was feeling really down, after holding off that stressful feeling all day (I had to hold it off in order to cope with everything), and me and Shawn did this thing we do...which is drive out to a beach, and he goes surfing for an hour or two while I go for a nice long jog along the beach. It's a good system. We did that yesterday, which is how I found myself completely isolated on miles of silvery-brown beach, with the ocean all vast and bright with the late afternoon sunshine on one side, and the dark curving forest far up on my other side. Pounding along all on my own, with the strong wind blowing my hair back, splashing through wide shallow sparkling rivers just as they meet the ocean, and all the while feeling the sun on my skin, is a very healing experience. Was a very healing experience.

2010-06-12T10:06:00.003-07:00

I don't like eating raisins alone. But c'mon - rice pudding? chewy oatmeal cookies? Oatmeal with a tiny bit of butter and brown sugar with a sprinkling of raisins? I'm just saying.
I thought since everyone fixated on the raisins I should get to do a follow-up.

Anyways. Yesterday was one of those hard days. Lore told me first thing at work that I had to "kick things up a notch" - which includes doing my hair apparently. Apparently I can't wear it down anymore. To be fair, the breeze that runs through that place mixed with me doing laundry - my hair is always blowing in front of my hot face and I have to comb it back...wearing gloves covered in bleach and oxy clean and all sorts of lovely chemicals. My hair's been dry and a bit hay-stacky thanks to that. But anyways, yeah. Made me feel crappy, just the way she said everything. I think people that have always owned their own businesses and had people working FOR them (like my boss) just have no idea what it's like being OWNED. Like the fact that I live in her staff accom. too, I don't like that feeling. I don't like the feeling of being watched, and a list of mistakes being built up about me. Mind games. I hate management mind games. I mean tell it to me straight, if I'm good enough, if you want me, or not! I'm spending most of my days here, and I'm trying SO hard to grasp my responsibilities and to do things right and to help things run smoothly for everyone that works there. It's a challenge almost every time I go in, and I'm taking it very seriously. I take criticism VERY seriously from my boss. I can't help it. I feel like if my job is unstable, I'M unstable, and then stress infuses my life. I think the aura I put off is often misleading. People seem to think I float dreamily around and am kind of slow because I hum while i work and act kind of silly sometimes, but I am always watching, and I pick up on a LOT of things. I'm not super quick and sharp maybe,but I intuit things! and when something enters my brain lots of times it takes a while to register on my face (which is why my whole life I've found myself in situations where someone is trying to teach or communicate something to me, and I get it right away, but they often look at my face and think they need to repeat themselves 2 or 3 times, and get frustrated). But I've SEEN Lore notice my bad hair days, I've seen her give me a once-over and I've been totally expecting her to bring it up. She didn't just mention that though. If that's all it was, it wouldn't have been bad at all. She had a list. They were all minor things that I'd forgotten to do, mistakes that i'd seen other people do even, but it was just the way she put it. Like she was trying to instill insecurity in me, make me feel like maaaybe I'm not good enough. So that I'll work harder. I HATE that tactic. Stresses me right out.

I haven't written about the kayaking trip me and Shawn went on yet! Alas I am running out of time, and this post is already long. I'll tell you where we went though. It ended up pouring with rain, so we changed plans and paddled out to Vargas island where there's an Inn, and a little rustic A-frame cabin which is where we stayed. It had french doors leading out to a high trellis-walled garden, and across from that was a big table with benches beside a window facing out through some trees to the little bay we came into, and the islands out on the water. It had a tiny little deck where you could sit and look at the water too. The only thing is, I got violently ill. But some time in the wee hours of the morning I felt better, and Shawn came up beside me on the bed (he'd been lying sleepless on the other one)and we had some magical talks. I feel so bonded to him. I've never felt so close to another human being. We never fight. We have never fought. At this point in mine and Andreas' relationship we'd fought like a million bitter fights. I thought that was normal. Hah.

love burst starburst

2010-06-08T20:33:00.003-07:00

Just got home from an evening shift at the ole Motel...now I have two days off, and me and Shawn are going camping!!!

He's going to come at any moment, and we're going to make granola. It won't be the tastiest granola ever, because there's no bulk section in the grocery store here and so we're starting with a pre-made sugary granola base, but I'm adding honey and peanut butter and minced apple and slivered almonds and the tiniest bit of coconut...and probably raisins too. My heart has softened towards raisins over the years I've found. But not enough to enjoy receiving them on Halloween.

Shawn is here now so I should probably get going...need to pack and stuff too. I'm excited, we're going in a double kayak. I'm not sure where yet.

I am a happy girl bursting with love.

2010-06-04T10:19:00.002-07:00

It's a beautiful day outside! Bluuuuuuueeeeeee sky!!! After a week or so straight of drenching rain, I feel a little disbelieving every time I look outside. The sun is WARM. I just got back from a walk in it and my skin still feels warmed. Mmmm! Vitamin D!

When Shawn gets back from work, if it's not super windy we're going for a paddle. I haven't been in AGES and I've missed it! I also don't want to lose skills. However...it looks quite windy out there right now. Time will tell! I hope the wind dies down.

Two words: Joel Plaskett. He is my new favourite. "Sailor's Eyes" is my favourite song by him, but he's got other good ones too. "New Scotland Blues" and "through & through &through" and "demon"...so many that I love! hehe. AAnyways...

Shawn hung out at my place last night and we made deluxe white cheddar KD, with bell peppers and onions and chunks of the most delicious moist smoked salmon (I bought it at the fish market, it was wild and they smoke it there themselves!)and lots and lots of jalapeno havarti cheese...!!! So not good for you, but sooo delicious. We sat down and ate some with Mason, one of my roommates here. It was fun. I like Shawn hanging out with me here in my little world.

We actually just got back from a Parksville trip. It was short but super fun - we went mountain biking at this park. It has lots and lots of single track that was wind-y and challenging and just tons of fun. We rode for about 2 or 3 hours, too. It was super muddy because of all the rain we've been having, so we were both all sweaty and covered in clumps of mud. We walked into DQ like that and the cashier looked pointedly at our muddy shoes with raised eyebrows. Not that I say I can blame her.

Anyways gotta runn!!

ETC

2010-05-29T03:11:00.000-07:00

PS: I don't mean to detract from the serious tone of the next post (which you should read), but I thought y'all should know that I DID get sick! I Totally like projectiled a ton of water. Then things got a little more interesting (after the water I mean). heh heh heh.

thoughts that eventually sprung from a midnight visit to the front porch

2010-05-29T02:54:00.005-07:00

The front porch of my house has become one of my favourite me spots. I go out there and sit on the bench and put my feet up on the railing and (often) watch the rain dripping rapidly off the edge of the roof. I usually put on slippers (the warm booties or the felted ones Andrea made me one Christmas) and this huge, over-sized turquoise sweater I got at a thrift shop in P.ville. It has a peachy stylized sunset thing on it and the words "Minstrel Island". It's like, super ugly and huge, but soooo warm and comfy and i'm almost always wearing it at home. Anyways.

I just wanted to share this insight I just got. There were long deep scars...maybe even wounds? that I inflicted on mine and Andreas' relationship. Reflecting inner wounds. Anyways, what I'm getting at is Shawn. What we have feels so pure. It feels like I've been given another chance to love. To love better. :D

miles to go before I sleep

2010-05-28T08:46:00.002-07:00

I just got called into work earlier - I now have to work 11am to 8. Joy. I mean, I like my job, but no one likes pulling 9 hour days. Actually though, I'm KIND of glad. I'll have something that will keep me occupied and take up a huge chunk of the day. Then when this day is over, there's tomorrow when I work 12 - 8 (hopefully that one stays put), and then the NEXT day, is when I get to see Shawn again. It already feels like he's been gone for a week, and it's only been 2 days. Oh boy.

I like spending more time in my pleasant little room though. I've organized and cleaned everything and it's become a lovely little nest. Hummingbirds come up to the flower box on my window sometimes.

UGH. It's now after my work shift (which was a doozy) and I was in a great mood and was going to write a cheery and full-of-gust and imagination post, but now I feel SICK, like every time I swallow it feels like it'll come right back up, and it's sort of ruined my mood. Plus Shawn just called and his phone died while we were talking, so now I won't get to talk to him for 2 looong nights, until I see him again on Sunday. Sigh. :(

edge to edge

2010-05-27T14:17:00.002-07:00

There's a marathon coming out this way in June (which, holy cow, is like in a few days) called Edge to Edge. I read about it in the Tofino Times magazine one day at work when there was nothing to do and I felt like becoming more educated about Tofino. Anyways, when I read about it, I thought that hmmm, volunteering for that would probably be fun, and a good way to meet people too. It said that you either had to call a number or email. Today I finally did, email, and I got an enthusiastic email back really fast! They've added my name to the list, and there's a BBQ in Ucluelet (from now on known as "Ukee"[so much easier to type, and it's what everyone calls it here]) in a few days where I get a free T-shirt and learn about my role in the race!!! I hope I'm not working, because this excites me. It falls in the category of "new territory" for me.

Maybe this sounds callous, but I made a decision today to not dwell on the past...the past meaning Andreas. We've had a few phone conversations since I've been here, and they always make me miss him more than ever - plus the fact that he's moving on with his life so quickly, competing in all these races and making so many new friends, and also his love life. It's too much, and I can't help but feel it. It hurts. Him hearing about my life hurts him too apparently, he says. Anyways, I just don't think that these are good feelings for us to have right now. I think we need to just focus on recovering. I for one don't want to drag it out. We've made our respective decisions, and I don't think dwelling on the past and being sad is going to help me at all on this new path. So I'm going to stop talking with him on the phone, and I'm going to try to stop thinking about him for awhile. He was such a huge part of my every day life for 4 years. I can't disconnect from that and not feel a big loss.

Today I went for another long bike ride. I'd been putting off doing it because the air pressure in my tires is so low, and I don't have fundage for a pump of my own. But Andreas reminded me on the phone that bike shops will pump air into your tires for FREE. Doy! I can't believe I forgot about that.
There's one bike shoppish thing in Tofino. You can get to it by cycling along the bike path a little ways out of town and then following a little side road that quickly turns to gravel, and there's Marc the Bicycle Man's house, with a tiny bike garage thing all set up. The "mechanic" there had trouble with connecting the pump to my presta valve (obviously has never had one himself), but it was kind of cute. Anyways. I asked about pumps and found out that the kind I'd want is $35. Maybe with my next pay check. There's also a bike shop, an actual legit one, in Ukee and I keep on meaning to check it out. I might ride there. It'd be 71km round trip, but the road is so flat it wouldn't be hard.

It was kind of hard to get out today, on my ride. I've been feeling down since yesterday. Once I got out there, I wanted to make it shorter, but I told myself the reasons why I was going to do the full 35 km I'd set out to do. Mainly that it was an accomplishment that I could give to myself. An empowering gift that I can give to myself. That's my main motivation. Secondary are the facts that it incidentally helps me to look cute in clothes (and without, hehehehehehehhheh!) and feeling fit is a wonderful feeling. Actually the feeling of being fit is also one of my main motivations. I'm rambling. I'm gonna go now and take a walk over to Tonquin Beach. it's our only in-town beach. Or I might ride the ole bike and cruise to one of the beaches just out of town...

purple stew!!

2010-05-23T08:11:00.003-07:00

I am more in love than ever!!

There has been something stewing underneath the surface of my conscious thought for this past week - I haven't been perfectly easy, like about Shawn and me, I mean. I knew what I wanted, and I knew how I felt, but something was off. Last night, when he was back from his day of kayak training, the epiphany finally popped out into my conscious brain, and I knew what I needed. I told Shawn. It was something that he might have struggled with for a bit, and I was worried that I was making him feel like he wasn't important to me, and I was starting to feel that old pressure - the pressure that makes me want to give in, forget about my space, because I want whoever I'm with to know that I really do love them. but then you know what he did? He looked at me, right into my eyes, and said, "I hear you. I understand your needs, and I accept them."

....!!!! Those simple words, like, exploded inside me. It made me feel so good, so loved and accepted, that I was allowed to take care of me, myself, and my needs, that it was allowed to have importance and credence... that I could do that, and not have to feel guilty about it. with those simple words, he has won deep down trust that I don't think anyone before has ever come close to touching. He's got my heart, that boy. I can't think of better hands for it to be in, though.

Just thinking of that makes my heart radiate waves of warmth through me!

cold rooms and a feeling of oneness

2010-05-22T08:51:00.002-07:00

my room is bitter cold. Bitter cold, I tell you. I have a space heater that'll cozy things up in no time. Why isn't it on, you ask? This is a good question. One that will likely never be answered.

I wasn't supposed to work today, but Lore's asked me to come in and help with the laundry so I'mma gonna mosey on down there soon. It's good. I could use the funds. The laundry at that place is OUT OF CONTROL, I'll tell you. Well, I mean, not put in proper perspective. But just the fact that it's usually one person dealing with it all. The other girl who's working there is pregnant, and just came down with a cold, so I think that's why I'm going in to help. First I'm going to walk down and get some strong coffee and some sort of snack.

Shawn's gone on his kayaking course. It's 8 days long, and once he's finished he'll be guiding tours and what not. Pretty neat. Also I have a lot of time to myself coming up. It'll be good in that way. I need to organize my living space better, and start on some paintings i've had in mind, and somehow make some friends too. I've got lots of Amy things to work out. I get lost in my head too easily. I want to devote myself to personal study (the artist's way and whatnot)so that I'll learn how to keep myself grounded and un-blocked on a daily basis. Seeing clearly. Drawing is about seeing. Once you learn how to see in a certain way, you already know how to draw. It's not about motor skills. It's not some mystical talent. It's something that can be learned quite quickly, like driving. It's about learning how to use the other half of your brain, the half we aren't as encouraging to. The perceiving half. Once you're in that other mode of thinking, which drawing can take you to (as can prayer and meditation, extreme sports, morning pages, etc) new ideas and insights become available to you, because you're seeing things in a different light. More of a whole picture. associations can be made. I know of this mode. I get it when I free-sketch. I get it when I'm super focussed on paddling in a kayak. Also when I'm rumbling down a trail on a mountain bike and have to force myself to stop thinking about every little thing, and just go for it. It's a feeling of one-ness. Wholeness. I've come to the conclusion that everybody needs some way to access this feeling in their lives to be content.

rainy lullabye

2010-05-18T20:17:00.002-07:00

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain, and it's been coming down in torrents all day. With one brief break when the sun emerged in brilliance for about 3 minutes.

I'm sure you'll all be happy to know that the blister I had accquired from kayaking, which quickly turned from simple blister to dramatic wound (on the inside of my thumb no less)(you could see a hole from the side of my thumb. ew.)is finally healing!! It's a big deal, alright? Every time we'd go kayaking, it would open afresh and get worse. Now I'm going to have a superb callous. yay. Speaking of kayaking, last night I went on a challenging one. It was raining all day yesterday as well, but in the evening the sun came out, and stayed out, so I contacted shawn and we went for an impromptu paddle. The water was smooth and glassy, so I mistakenly thought it would be a cinch. Nuh-uh, no way sister. The currents were in FULL FORCE. I wasn't expecting it, so when the nose of my boat all of a sudden veered sharply to a 90 degree angle to where I had been heading, I was a tiny bit alarmed. It took tons of strength and planning ahead to get through the numerous currents, which didn't ever appear to end. I'm afraid I rather let my paddling form go to heck, so my shoulders got quite the work out (for those of you who don't know, you're supposed to use the strength from your core, not your shoulders). But it was so beautiful. We saw a sea lion, and some eagles teaching their baby how to fly. I see eagles on a daily basis here. And this cute little orangey-red breasted hummingbird. And kingfishers!! Ravens, too. This is a bird-watchers paradise I'd say. (psssst, come visit me!!!)

Um, yes. I did have something else to say, but now I forget.
Work seems to be an adventure every shift. Something ALWAYS happens. Today someone had to go to the hospital and I had to phone a taxi and pay for it. I was also instructed to vacuum out the lint trap in or dryer, which no one had showed me how to do. How hard could it be though, right? Well, 10 minutes later with one half of me thouroughly dusted with thick white lint, I felt differently.

gotta go!!

I had a dream that you were gone

2010-05-18T10:20:00.003-07:00

'silver coin' by Angus and Julia Stone is the song I'm currently obsessed with. sooo goood!

Anyways, there's a drenching rain outside, and I'm putting off going out. I need to buy some groceries and go to the bank. Later I work, and then me and Shawn are going to Parksville for two days. I'll be going to Nanaimo to do some shopping, too. Any sister up for lunchies/shopping? Lemme know.

I wrote like half a blog and it was ERASED. Sigh. I thought those days were over! Oh well. Yesterday was a day off, and I went for my virgin tofino bike ride. I was sort of putting it off because I needed to plan a route and all that, but as soon as I finally looked at a map, I realized that I needn't have worried. I have the choice of one road, and one road only. Straight out, and back! I cycled out of town until I saw a sign that said "Tofino, 15 km", and then turned around. It's a nice road, and it felt really good, but there's way too much traffik. I'm going to really really miss my road rides in Vic. I suspect I'll be more into Mountain biking here.

I feel like I need to explain about my little freak out, but I know I don't really. All of you understand, i'm sure. I can be so dramatic sometimes. I'm just too much up in my head. Excersize helps with that for sure. I also suspect that's one of the reasons I'm so attracted to Shawn. He's so warm and solidly grounded. And like he's told me over and over again, he's got no problem at all with me taking however much space I need. I just need to take it.

one of the first things I did when I moved here was to get myself a co-op number. then I bought myself a razor, some soap, toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo and conditioner. I splurged on the razor, and actually got myself a real one, with a back up container of blades. this made me feel jubilant. So did getting the delicious -looking burt's bees pomegranite and lemon conditioner. it feels pretty good to pamper oneself in those ways. Man, it's stormy out. Time for me to stop procrastinating and get my errands done so that I can stay in bed for the rest of the day until work. I think it's a chocolate day. And a coffee day.

deep peace of the rolling wave to you

2010-05-16T09:24:00.002-07:00

That was carved into a board on the boardwalk that takes you to Tonquin beach. I really like it.

Sigh. Sometimes I'm frightened that there's something seriously wrong with me. Yesterday I totally crashed. One has to some time, right? I was flying so high, and then yesterday I was all of a sudden besieged with doubts. Also, I couldn't stop thinking about Andreas and how I have treated him like crap, and how he must feel that he's so easily replaced, and all of that. Those thoughts would not stop throwing me into a state of, like...paralyzing pain. I think my actions are finally catching up to me. I've thrown myself into a new world and now I'm...adjusting or something. I don't know, I feel a little better today.

I just don't want to do what I always do. I was so elated to finally be doing things MY way, and then, like always, there's a boy there in the way. I don't know how I could have stopped what happened though. I get so carried away with passion. When I feel it, there is NO way I'd ever deny myself the experience of riding it out. It's like I don't have a choice. But passion always seems to have another side of the coin, if you know what I mean. I don't want my living in Tofino to be about a boy. I want it to be about me. I don't want to have to start considering another person in my decisions AGAIN. I want to only consider myself. I want to keep this thing with Shawn going, because all of the things I've said about him are true. The issue is me. I really don't know if I can find what I'm looking for, while I'm with another person. I think I need more space than just 2 days a week. I don't know, though. A confused girl I am. My feelings run too fast for me to keep a handle on things. Once I start making decisions based on what would make the person I'm with happier, rather than being really true to what I need, I'm screwed.

take a good look around you

2010-05-12T20:25:00.003-07:00

ok, post overload, but so much is happening that I really just can't stop myself from documenting, and sharing it with you guys!

First of all, I'm writing this on my very own, brand new laptop! I made a trip to Victoria this week, and used my savings for it. It's TINY, and typing on the keyboard is an ongoing challenge (especially when I try to do an exclamation mark, I hit two random keys that always end up opening up a new tab and going to the mozilla firefox help page. I can't tell you how annoying...). But it's MINE, I bought it all by myself! It's adorable and I love it. I think that I marched in and got it very purposefully! I also got a printer...with the computer it was only $30, and I couldn't really turn that down. It's going to be so nice to have. It's really actually $80! So there's that. So now I have a laptop and a (measly) internet connection, I'll be answering emails that I owe people very shortly. But first I want to write about all the things I've been doing.

Today is one of my two Amy days of the week. I'm finding them to be quite essential. Something I've learned about myself: it's very important for me to be able to feel independent. If I don't give myself any time, to take a step back and just LOOK at what's really going on inside me, I lose touch with myself - and that makes for a closed up, uncertain Pea who is MUCH more vulnerable to getting caught up in the flow of others, instead of making her own flow. I need to make my own flow to be happy. Anyway. Shawn gladly gives me all the space I need. (it's one of the reasons I know he's "the one". hehe)

So today I spent some time trying to unpack and organize my things that I brought back from Vic, which mostly include PILES of clothes, art supplies, and books. Books I won't be touching. I'm kind of tempted to get rid of them - I do not want to be distracted. I've got myself a reading list and I'm going to do it purposefully! "the artist's way", "drawing with the right side of your brain" (that one's soo cool, and meant for absolutely everybody), and possibly Cheri Huber's "making a change for good". You get the picture. soul searching is what's going on!

A little after 10am this morning, I met with Marty and we walked around town talking for a bit. We went out to NukChoo point - it's right in town, and once I went there and witnessed a sea lion tearing apart and throwing around a fish!! so cool. Anyways, we sat there talking for a bit, and then he ended up helping me with my home improvement projects. you see, I have a large closet, and no place to hang clothes up in it. So I got the idea (sparked from an idea of Marty's)(Marty's an old friend known from cadet days, by the way. I suppose I've known him for 11ish years)to go buy some twine and clothes pins and string up a laundry line in between the two shelves! I thought it would be cute, and I can totally use the twine to hang up temporary sari curtains and things. And sea shells and sea glass - the possibilities are endless! So we went and did that, and then worked out a rig where we used rocks as weights. I got Marty to show me how to tie a sweet knot, and while he was at it, he also taught me how to shuffle cards. The fact that before today I didn't properly know how to shuffle playing cards will come as a shock to some people, I know. But now I know! The rocks idea isn't working very well. I think I'm going to get some wall hangings or a branch or a pole or something...anyways, it needs work. But projects are SO MUCH FUN! Hanging out with marty is awesome too. I can tell he's going to be a really good friend. Already is being.

I worked later. This shift was a lot better. I was busy non-stop from the time I got there to the time I closed, and it went by almost too fast. I felt a lot more capable and like I knew what I was doing. I even almost made some big vacation rental sales, which Lore really wants me to do! Not quite though.

After my post about kayaking, I left with Shawn to go to Parksville. He offered to drive me to Victoria to help me get my stuff over here - mostly my bike. We decided to make it a 3 day road trip, stopping over night at his parent's house in Parksville. Shawn's mom wasn't there this time, but I met her before and there was an instant spark - of kindred spirit to kindred spirit, I like to think. She's french Canadian (which is why Shawn can speak almost fluently. mmm.)and speaks her mind. His dad is more quiet, from what I've seen, but kind and funny...I relate to him. anyways, basically, his family is wonderfully laid-back and awesome, and I had no problem feeling comfortable and at home there. Which NEVER happens with the families of my boyfriends. I'm sorry if this is long and somewhat dry. Carrying on...

In Parksville we opened our hearts to each other on the beach in the twilight. We made margaritas and went out to the field where Shawn first kissed me, when I was 19. I had just driven up to see him from Nanaimo. I was not expecting him to kiss me at ALL. It was one of the 5 short times we met in the 10 years between us first meeting (at a church dance) and now. We did other romantic things. There is so much romance happening with me right now I could BURST! In fact I think I have. Several times. Exploded with happiness.

The next day we went to Nanaimo, and Shawn dropped me off at Stott's house. I had such a nice visit with her and Sloan and Adriel. I wished it could have been a longer visit. Poor Stott had to listen to my confessions of love for much of the time. She was understandably confused, and hurt for Andreas. More on that later. Time ran away from us though, and I remembered an appointment I'd made in Vic, so Shawn didn't have time to come hang out with us. I'm probably going to P.ville again next week though, and I hope we'll be able to work something out with the Nanaimo sisters! Yep, Katie that means you. I hope! Maybe we can have a BBQ or something.

I was anxious about Victoria. I knew It'd be the time to tell Andreas everything that was going on, and I was dreading it. I had no idea how he would react. I won't write about our conversation, but it was calm, understanding, amicable, and free from drama. Andreas had already come to the same conclusions I'd come to about us, and met someone else to boot. It was still hard though. I feel terrible for some things. We both cried a little and hugged. It's the end of an era. An era full of learning for me. I'll never forget any of it. We decided to keep in touch and stay friends. I feel we actually will be friends. It felt so odd to really be letting go of that part of my life. I told him I was retiring the name "hun". There will only ever be one Hun in my life.

Victoria was loud. Busy. Sensory overload. I have no inkling of temptation to go back. I love being on the pure, fresh, wild, raw, edge of the world.

In P-ville again, we cycled. I had my bike finally. We road partway up a mountain and both almost got sunstroke from labouring our bikes up the rest of it. Steeper and longer than Mt.Doug, I'm almost sure. We also went mountain biking (Shawn has a bike that totally fits me!) to a river and sat in the growing heat of the sun, watching the shallow water rush over the big, smooth rocks and talking. There were dogs playing in the water. We mountain biked a fun trail on the way back. I turned myself into the Tiger Andreas always told me to be and ATTACKED things. It was so much fun. I love having the chance to learn things on my own. Shawn didn't know my level of biking, so he didn't coach me at all, and I tackled it alone with relish. My soul is relishing it's new found space. I'm not above asking questions though. I'm on a quest to learn things. Opening myself up to learning new things - the risk involved in it, and the throwing oneself into the unknown - is how I'm learning to feel fulfilled.

I feel like the universe was just waiting for me to have the courage to make a move, and as soon as I did it enfolded me in love and joy and support and gave me all these gifts. So many gifts. And everything is clicking into place. Oh, I do hope this isn't getting tiresome. I just feel like I'm really starting to LIVE.

blabber mouthed 'fub

2010-05-12T14:46:00.002-07:00

I'm starting to realize that this thing they call "Tofino time" is for real.

I've realized that I'd stopped believing in the magical qualities of love since I was a child. I thought it didn't exist, that there was fantasy, and then there was the "REAL" world. It's real!!!! I'm in love and it's the real thing! I didn't know harmony like this existed. I didn't know love like this existed.

Somewhere between trusting my inner voices and taking time to take care of myself and give validity to my feelings and thoughts (I've realized that my fears are all wounded voices, mostly from high school, trying to protect me, and now I can feel real compassion for them), and acting on my impulses...somewhere between that, and falling in love, I've opened myself to the universe, and trusted it, and I've felt only love and support and the most wonderful joy. A big part of that is getting to know Shawn, but there's a separate growth going on inside of me that is purely personal.

I know this is real because nothing about me feels compromised. I never realized how compromised I felt before. There were parts of me that always felt rejected and repressed. There were things I always felt too ashamed to share with Andreas - personal things that I knew he wouldn't take seriously. I didn't know that Andreas didn't really love me, he just cared about me. His holding on to me when I clearly wanted and needed to leave wasn't love. It wasn't healthy. And the way I treated him again and again definitely didn't have love present. I know now what it feels like to really be cherished. and I'm so content to bask in that presence.

I'm going to share with you a metaphor that I am forcibly taken to in my mind when I'm with Shawn. Again and again. He's a large, solid, sunwarmed rock, and I'm the wave, and I'm crashing down on him, making a mess, playing, and he's loving it, and supporting me. And it's true. because of his lifestyle of surfing (I think) his body temperature is always higher than normal. It's such a nice warmth though, really sun-like. sometimes I feel like a mermaid. I feel free.

come and fly away with meeee tonight!

2010-05-09T14:57:00.002-07:00

Just went for another paddle with Shawn. this time we went in the opposite direction of where we usually go. I'm learning the names of the islands and bays and channels and stuff! Anyways, this time I decided to try a single for the first time. At first I felt super sketchy and tippy, and had to get the hang of steering it. But I felt like I made huge progress! Since I wasn't in the front of a double, I could watch Shawn's stroke, and that really helped me to improve mine. I'd actually been paddling pretty inneficiently. But anyways, we found a nice beach on an island I already forget the name of, and hung out there for an hour, maybe two hours. I dug my feet into the sand and felt content and grounded. Then we walked along the beach for a bit and I started drawing in the sand. More like making textures and shapes with my fingers. It was so much fun! I did that for a good while. I feel like I'm starting to take up some space!! I feel like I'm spreading out here. I feel so good, I can't even explain it.

I don't always feel so sure as I am right now, though. yesterday was a challenging day. It was my first real shift at work, and it was 11 hours long. from 9am to 8pm - although I really ended up leaving at 7:30. The whole day I felt majorly like a fish out of water, and Lore, my boss, talks a million miles a minute, and is so busy it's exhausting just to watch her. I didn't feel like I had a grasp on things at all, but then at 3 Lore just left, and I was on my own without any warning. And then I had to close by myself. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing at all, but this morning I stopped in and Lore said I'd done great and gave me a rare smile. She seems happy with me! I was sort of starting to wonder if she didn't like me, but now I more like get the vibe that she SAW that I was a little shy and reserved, but liked me and is sort of taking me under her wing. That's what it feels like. It's a good feeling. Apparently I've scored majorly on this job. I'm learning SO much, and having a locally owned job here is pretty key! I get to go for free on any tour I want! Lore got me to book one just so I know what to tell people when they come here and want to take a tour. I booked a 2.5 hour whale watching/bear watching tour. Super stoked!!!

ahh...I'm SO HAPPY!! haha. I've definitely found my home. And myself, in a way. Or at least I'm more in line with the road to myself. that's what I feel like - like I've finally put my life in line with like...I don't know how to explain it. This source. of life. hehe! I'm cheesy, but OH WELL.

Some of you might have noticed that I'm spending a lot of time with this Shawn dude. I've set up a schedule where I get at least two full personal days a week. Yesterday was one of those days, and I hung out with my buddy marty. We went to this house party, and then to a concert. THE ACDC cover band, apparently, called "thunderstruck". It was actually a lot of fun! No pressure, just easy fun times with a friend, and marty just happens to be the more social guy ever so I met tons of people. I'm eager to make some friends around here.

I feel healthy. I just wanted to share.

addicted

2010-05-07T10:17:00.002-07:00

I'm addicted to this place. I went kayaking again yesterday, and saw probably the oldest graveyard on the west coast of canada. It was so beautiful and peaceful, you had to walk up this tiny, super steep trail, stepping over roots and bending around tree trunks, and then there's this tiny, overgrown clearning with some stone and some wooden crosses and gravestones. It overlooks the ocean, sort of filtered though, through hanging branches. If I was to be buried, a place like that wouldn't be half bad. I really like the core work-out I get from kayaking. it really works my lower back and I like that feeling...it's quite satisfying. I've had to take a break from it for a few days because I have like, a blister within a blister action going on on the inside of my thumb. It's gross. I went for a really really nice hike though outside of Ukluelet, called the lighthouse loop. The buouys out here all make noise, because the fog gets so intense sometimes that you can't see what's right in front of you. (Laura, you HAVE to come here with like a million discs for photo space!!) I really like the sounds they make. One I saw had a bell clanging loudly and emptily on it, and another one was making deep reverberating slow sounds similar to the hoots of a big owl. It made me think of a big whale, actually. Anyways, it was gorgeous. And last night I went and watched the sunset on a dock. ahhh...I still feel like I'm in a dream! haha. I start work tonight, maybe that will pull me back to earth. I really like having my own space. It's wonderful. My room is on the second floor of this big old house, bare wooden shingles and a sheet metal roof, and through one window (which has a flower box on it) I can see the ocean in the horizon. The other window looks out over the yard, which has a pond in it, and lots of garden just built gracefully into the lawn. It's really green. There's a deck with a bench to sit on in the front of the house, where you can sit in the sun (I did for about an hour yesterday) and look at the cute little green house and all the trees and gardens, and feel how quiet and peaceful it is here. And there's also a deck on the side of the house, with a sliding door opening up to it. It's big enough for a good little bbq session. My room becomes flooded with sunshine in the afternoons. It has a big wide bed, and a wardrobe in one corner facing the bed (there's a few sheets and pillow cases in it, and the meagre piles of the few clothes I managed to bring.)and then it has an open closet, with no space to hang clothes, but some big deep and wide shelves good for storing things. there's also a flowery, old fashioned chair, some bright coathooks hanging over it, and an electric heater that doesn't work. My bathroom is right at the bottom of the stairs. I share it with another girl, who seems super nice. She's pregnant, and I'm sort of taking over her shifts at work now, I guess. She has the cutest two little dogs.

I went out yesterday and walked around town and explored a bit. I bought myself an essential pair of shoes, and some birthday present for a certain roundening bean. I kind of want to send it right now, as a pre-cursor for a real birthday present to come!! Can I 'fub? You should send me your address. There's a place here where you can get AMAZING coffee. Better americanos then i've ever seen in Victoria. Sooo good. I'm going to go get one now...!

tofino

2010-05-05T12:43:00.000-07:00

So I have a place now, but no computer yet. I'm borrowing my friend's laptop for a bit and it's just a peice of crap. If I jostle it even an inch it shuts down and goes to this evil blue screen. So this blog will have to be brief.

I'm happy to be here. When I caught the bus monday morning, I had the strongest feeling of it being my first day of school. That's exactly what it felt like - embarking into the unknown. hehe, I know I'm cheesy. you're just going to have to deal with it.

I start my new job on Friday! I get to run the front desk of a nice motel on the edge of town. My boss has provided me with a room in a nice old wooden shingled house. The room is equipped with a huge mirror, so that essential is taken care of :P . I only brought a few clothes and books with me though, and I feel so off balance without my regular rides, so I'm going to probably make a trip down to Vic next week. I have enough to survive on for now though.

Yesterday I went kayaking for the first time. Me and my tofino friend Shawn went for a paddle to this huge island called Meares island, and went for a little hike along this boardwalk. It took you past these HUGE trees, two of them were red cedars and one was the tallest tree I've ever seen, it was a sitka spruce. The Natives made and maintain that little boardwalk. They're trying to protect Meares Island by making it into a park. Kayaking was fun. It really worked out my abs and my lower back. I'm probably going again today. It's so calm and sunshiney today. this morning and yesterday morning I've been going for short jogs. Half hour long ones. Then I come back, grab a mug of water and sit on the steps looking out over the water to Meares island. I feel like I'm in a dream. I'm so happy here. I feel free, like I can just unravel. And I have been feeling an old ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach slowly unraveling. I'm so excited to go out in nature so much more.

By the way, this internet browser sucks and it won't let me moderate my comments - that's why your comments haven't shown up on my last post yet. I'm going to try to buy a laptop when i go back to Vic.

What's going down

2010-05-02T23:12:00.002-07:00

A world of stuff has been happening to me in the past week, and there is NO WAY I can explain it all on my blog, especially since I've just spent so much energy sharing it with a few people. I just can't go through it all again...I've been riding a high all day, and now I'm calming down. So it's a shame, because the things I'm going to write about will sound so abrupt and probably won't make any sense, and you're just going to have to trust me that there's some real inner wisdom at work in my life here! I'll just say though, that it's been AMAZING...especially today, I've had an amazing experience. I can talk about it with people one on one some time if anyone is interested in the whole story!

So I'm catching the 8:15 bus tomorrow morning for Tofino...where I have a job (at least - 97% sure I do), complete with staff accommodation. I don't know if tomorrow i'll immediately start work and be there for good, I'll find out when I'm in town and call this lady. But the point is, I'm moving to Tofino!!! It's a long story. I actually spontaneously went up there on Tuesday and I was just going to be there for 2 days (my 2 days off...) but I ended up staying for 4 days, and quitting my job here. So...there's a big head's up!

I'm sooo excited. I'm just like SO pumped. I'm taking charge of the direction of my life for like, the first time ever. I've felt some major blocks melting away in the past month, and today they like SUPER melted, and there's fresh new energy flowing through, and I feel alive and bursting with possibility and excitement, and I just KNOW that I'm going after what's most important to me by moving to tofino. Andreas will be here in Vic. We're going to live our own separate lives while I'm there, and then at the end of 2 months we're going to confer and see where we're at. I don't want to lose him, but I need this space to grow and take charge of some things.

ANYWAYS, that is what is happening with me right now! Huuuuuge change! For moments in this past month, and this past week especially, and MOST especially almost all of today, I've felt like this strength in me just sort of explode, and I feel like I'm in touch with the real, essential, inner me....and I've had the courage to express it. I've been in my shell for tooooo long!

caribou whoa-man

2010-04-25T16:15:00.004-07:00

Actually Caribou is a band I've recently discovered, and they're pretty good. Dance/electronica/alternative. I like "bowls". Also Balkan Beat Box - just simply amazing. Electro Beat? But Balkan music style. So cool. "Adir Adirim feat. Victoria Hanna" is my fave. And, just for fun, one more! Music Go Music. They're like...ABBA/Scissor Sisters. Fun.

I'm enjoying a day off today. I just came back from a belated bike ride. It was a particularly good one, fast and challenging, but also made me feel strong and fit. It's full out spring now, with the trees along government street wearing full, leafy pantaloons. Except, turned upside-down. I realize it's not a perfect metaphor, but that's just what they make me think of every time I see the wind ruffling them. Pantaloons.

It's the next day now and I've just finished a day of work. I'd be leaving to catch the ferry over to Vancouver if mom had gotten back to me about my visiting, but she hasn't so I don't know what's happening. Therefore I'm staying home tonight, and hoping I'll get an answer before tomorrow morning. You see, I can't call. But anyways. It's super-duper windy out. It's so windy that the wind shoved our huge and heavy mountie bear (he's sort of our mascot who stands outside the store) over like a foot. Maybe even two (gasp) feet. And it pushed our tall rack of clothing that we chain up to the wall close to our store completely over onto it's side. We had to bring it inside because the girl I was working with said that the last time it had been windy like that, it had snapped the chain completely in two! I know. Exciting stuff. I had to deal with some irritating US tourists today. They were all, "Well, how am I supposed to pay if you don't accept American coins....?" Like all miffed about it, acting like it was the stupidest thing in the world. I mean c'mon. It's nice that we accept your money AT ALL. Most people don't go into another country and expect them to just accept their foreign currency. Their dollar isn't even as good as ours right now. Americans. And then she made a point about saying "well, your money is worthless in OUR country".....Oh dear.

I just checked and apparently we're having wind gusts of 50 -70 and going up to 90 km/hr. So not that unusual for Victoria. I love the windyness of Victoria.

I've become lost in some new novels. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo series. I'm on the second one. The first one was sooooo good! I was drugged with it. I hardly slept for two nights while I was reading it. Oh man...I LOVE those kinds of book. Books are more than welcome to take over my life. I would never begrudge a book for doing that! NEVER!!!

*cough*. Eeeeeeerrrrrrrrrnieways. (that's right! Ernie - ways)- I just ate a satisfying melt in your mouth mint chocolate and Andreas is home now so i'm too distracted to write anymore. Oh but actually I just wanted to mention - about the drunk fool who sort of accosted me on my way home from work, just so you know, I myself was surprised at my immediate reaction of pushing him to the side and walking on! I don't know where it came from. But I think its because I've been mentally preparing myself ever since that creepy old landlord shoved his tongue in my mouth and I did nothing but politely ask him to stop. Ever since then I've been determined to not let anyone encroach on me physically ever again. I was really angry at my reaction to that for months afterwards. I always wished I'd slapped him and given him a piece of my mind. Now I think I might just do something like that. Hehe! It's a good feeling.

2010-04-22T09:31:00.003-07:00

I'm eating some maple cream cookies for breakfast. Judge me if you must.

I had a sketchy experience last night, walking home from work. It was only 9pm, and there were still plenty of people walking around on govt street. I decided for some reason to turn down a street I never use to walk home. As soon as I did, I noted that it was dark and deserted, and there was an alarm going off in the small jewellery store I was walking past. That was sketchy enough, but then out of the shadows, from between two big SUVs, steps a guy. He walked towards me, looking straight at me. I tried to walk around him, but he blocked my path. His eyes were totally blank. He smelled like alcohol. So, then he sort of tried to grab me, and I pushed him hard to the side and kept walking. He wasn't hard to push, he was floppy and drunk. It was just weird though - it freaked me out, because there was no one else on the street, and the alarm was going off in the jewellery store, and he accosted me right in front of the jewellery store. I was like...what WAS that...and then as soon as I turned the corner, there was people walking about again.

Anyways, it behooveth me to say that I'll not be taking THAT route home ever again. Who knew that the seven minutes it takes for me to walk home could be so fraught?

I never wrote about my birthday, which is too bad because it was such a nice day. Andreas spoiled me all day...and if ever there was a moment where I felt unspoiled, I'd give him a look and he'd say "Happy birthday!". It was great. We went out for breakfast at Floyd's diner and had the most amazing eggs bennies. Andreas got me a hoodie and a jacket, they sort of go together. They're both the same brand anyways, and they both have holes for my thumbs to go through. The jacket is a windbreaker. It's super sharp, if I do say so. Looks cute on me. Andreas has always preferred athletic clothes on me. Later on we walked around beacon hill park and took pictures with my new camera. I only need to take two more before we can develop the film. It's exciting. Later on that night we went to Smiths pub and I met with some old work friends. it was fun. When me and Andreas stumbled home later, we couldn't resist stopping at a Mr. tube steak stand and getting some veggie dogs. They were unquestionably bland, but at that point everything tasted ok. Later at home we snuggled on the couch before heading to sleep. Andreas gave me one more "happy birthday, birthday girl". haha, he's so great :D . One of the best birthdays I've had in awhile. No crazy expectations about a HUGE party and TONS of friends. Just a quality day spent mostly in the company of my favourite person.

shall I compare thee to a summer's day...

2010-04-12T10:34:00.003-07:00

now THIS title is in relation to the bike I'm getting. You all remember when I posted on here about getting that wicked pink bike...well, things have changed. I still LOVE it, but those pictures of it on the website are kind of misleading. It's more of a light plasticy barbie pink than it shows - the pics on the website are so warm. Still I'd love to own a pink bike..but yesterday or the day before, over lunch at Azuma, Andreas informed me of some more choices. Apparently, it's now possible for them to order the Sonnets...! The thing with THOSE is that they come with baskets already, and also with the handlebar I'd want, which you wouldn't really be able to find anywhere else but on those bikes. And they come with an antique brown brooks...which is my fave colour of brooks, and I've wanted one for AGES. So they come with all those features, AND they're cheaper. By like 100 and some odd bucks. So I made the agonizing decision today. I was going to get a Sonnet Bliss, because they also come with a generator light and 5 gears, in the colour ivory and claret, (it's either that or ivory and midnight blue), but when Justin went to order it, they were out! so then he tried midnight blue, and they were out of that TOO. So then I had to make a flash decision - the pink one or the sonnet pure (which doesn't come with a generator light, or 5 speeds. it's a 3 speed). To finish this long story, I chose the Sonnet. Which you've already guessed, obviously, due to the beginning of the post...anyways. They were out of the claret in my size, so it's going to be the midnight blue. Which is very classic and beautiful looking. YAY! I can't tell you how long I've lusted after Pashleys...it was years ago when I was flipping through a bicycle magazine in chapters, and I saw an ad for them and went home and looked them up. Ever since then I've wanted one, but I never thought I'd be able to get one, because they're freaking expensive and not many stores here carry them. But now Andreas' shop is getting them!! hehehehehe!!! (yes, I'm actually giggling like a little girl. In my heart.) This is just the best ever. Especially since I've saved up for it.

More awesomeness to relate! Andreas gave me one of my birthday presents last night. He's been planning stuff for it for awhile (which he's never really done before) and has informed me that he has a "variety pack" of surprises for me on my birthday (haha), but this one couldn't wait. I'll set the scene first though. After I wrote that blog last night, Andreas came home and we went for a ride. An undulating painful ride on prospect lake road. And JUST when I started recognizing the end of the hillyness, and the smooth W. Saanich rd. coming up, Andreas makes an unexpected turn onto an off road. I watched in alarm as he started going up a hill that, quite frankly, made him look very small in relation to it. Sigh. "Mean hun!!" I shouted breathlessly as I laboured up behind him. Then I caught a whiff of potent skunk cabbage and shouted with fervor "Skunk cabbage!!" Skunk cabbage actually sort of became the theme of the ride. Also the fact that I had heartburn, so I kept saying in a low, manly, theatrical voice, "My heart. It buhns. It buhns with a great furvor", which Andreas naturally hated. Anyways, it turned out that after two steep hills in quick succession, the rest of that road was mostly down hill, so we were flying. And then we turned onto...Interurban I think, and so all was smooth again, and I had a moment of pure wild elation that I only get when I'm on one of my rides. It was really nice! The air was warm and soft and spring-like, and the clouds were blue, and it was just so nice to be out on a ride with my hun. Aanyways. so when does the present come into this, you ask? Well, I'm getting there. When we got back, Andreas decided that we should get pizza, and we ate it at the shop because he was going to teach me how to build a bike. We didn't end up doing that though- the bike building - because we were both too tired. And it's at this point and time that andreas convinced me to let him give me just ONE present. He's always impossible with presents - he just can't wait, and has the hardest time keeping things a secret. It's pretty cute actually. But THIS one was because there was a weeks warranty on it, and by the time it was my birthday it would be too late. So I agreed, since it's my birthday week anyways. I never in a million years would have guessed what it was!!!!! Something else I've wanted for years - 3 years to be exact - a twin lens reflex camera!! A really cool age-d one in a cracked leather case!! It's already loaded, and we're going to go out today and take pictures with it and develop them to see if it works. I was so excited when I saw what it was. A camera of my OWn..and such a cool one too! It takes SQUARE pictures.

Anyways, that's it for now. wouldn't wanna over-post you...

the world as we know it is changing

2010-04-11T16:15:00.002-07:00

haha, the title of this post actually refers to a crazy dramatic dream I had last night. It was unsettling, but cool. What happened is, I was with other 'fub, Stott and Laura at this house. We were standing outside of it, on steps leading up to a balcony, and the house was positioned on a hill so we could see all the roads and houses going down to the ocean. The ocean was going NUTS. The waves were humungous, like tsunami waves, and they came crashing as far as our feet. The whole world was like, being destroyed - everything except our house. I remarked to Stott how I was scared because the world as we knew it would all be changed now, because everything was crumbling. There was also crazy wind, wind so crazy it ripped the top of the Vic legislature buildings right off and deposited it elsewhere. Yet through it all the house that us sisters was standing in remained intact. I remarked on the strangeness of this to Laura, because our house was really old. I forget what Laura said, but it was something to the effect that our house was strong BECAUSE it was old...

Isn't that a cool dream? I like that the house with my sisters in it remained intact...I think that has a lot to do with the fact that even though I've been through and am going through some total lifestyle changes and changes in belief and paradigm shifts and all that - my relationship with my sisters is still strong and supportive. And to ME that symbolizes all my sisters. Not just 'fub and Sarah and Laura but Katie and Martha and Andrea too. I have the best sisters ever. I've always been grateful for that, but this dream has made me think about it and realize it afresh.

Anyways, I'm just freshly home from a work shift, after a two-day weekend, and I have tomorrow off too! And what's even better is that, since I forgot to schedule time off on my birthday (it came up too fast!!), I was scheduled to work (and it was a horrible shift too, 12:30 - 9). But today I managed to get it switched!! so YAY. I'm liking it there. I'm getting the hang of things, getting a good feel for things. It doesn't pay a lot, but then it's not challenging. And there's always the option of a raise. i like that you work alone for half the day, and then with someone else for the other half. It's a good balance.

Lots of good music downloads recently. A good indie band - Angus and Julia Stone, and I'm also a big fan of The Duchess and the Duke. They're very folksy. ALSO, I've sort of fallen in love with Victor Jara. I'd heard of him before, but I really didn't know much about him - how he was an influential and controversial Chilean folk singer/songwriter in the 60's. He sang about peace and love and all that - and the government thought his music was revolutionary, so they tortured him and broke both his hands so he couldn't play guitar, and eventually machine gunned him to death and threw his body out into the street. So brutal. Which of course made him THAT much more of an impact. Stupid government. Anyways, my fave song of his is "Deja la vida volar". So pretty. I'd check it out if I were you!

Now I'm going to do the dishes, something that needs to be done BADLY, and clean all the clothes up off the floor. Andreas said he'd do the dishes, but I feel like taking matters into my own hands. Can't stand the mess anymore...

rouge

2010-04-02T13:05:00.003-07:00

So, I'm not actually working for Seeing is Believing anymore, as it turns out. The day before my first day there I got hired at Royal Victoria - one of the tourist shops along Govt st, you know (at least 'fub will know), part of the group of "spirit of victoria" and "pier 815" and "dockside gifts" and "moose crossing" - they're all owned by the same person. But I'm going to be working at Royal, which I like because it might be the nicest one. Not very big, but not too small. It's the one with the mountie bear outside of it. I DID work my first day at Seeing is Believing though, and then afterwards phoned them and said I'd been hired at a different place that offered me more pay (mind you, only 50 cents more but it all counts) and more hours (wwaaay more hours). They haven't gotten back to me yet about that $45 I earned. Probably won't get it unless I press for it. Anyways, I like this job at Royal much better because it's much more relaxed. It's not all sales sales sales...I mean, it's a tourist shop and the stuff sells itself. You're supposed to help with that as much you can, but they don't want you to be pushy or anything. Plus, after one day of training, they were already putting me there by myself. I spent my second day (yesterday) alone until 1:00, by which point I was almost exploding with needing to go pee (a cup of coffee and a full bottle of water will do that). So far I've worked with Shelley, who's an adorable short Asian girl who's an identical twin also, and Seuyung...not sure if I spelt that right, but it's something like that. She's really nice.

Basically my job entails, after opening the shop and dragging out all the displays and chaining them to the wall...folding shirts and tidying the shop. And of course the till, when someone buys something. I like folding. It's fun and satisfying. The girls who've worked there for awhile don't seem to use the little cheater boards, but I like using them. You make such crisp folds with them. I didn't feel, yesterday, like I was really alone either because stock people kept popping in and brining me restock and walking around making notes and stuff. When Seuyung came in I RAN to the bathroom desperately, and then went on my half hour break. I think I'm going to stop walking home for it though, because it takes 7 minutes both ways, and there's like 15 minutes of a half hour break gone, right there.

Today I have a day off, and I'm glad because it's ferociously windy. I was supposed to go for a ride, but there's no way, not with the trees outside dancing an enthusiastic hula. riding against wind is so demoralizing.

guess I was a fool

2010-03-29T12:17:00.002-07:00

There's one magical aspect (to me) about living in this apartment that I have to write about. First of all, the rain! In our bedroom, there's a window that opens up into a little "outdoor" space that's not actually open to the air I don't think...I believe there's glass overhead. We always have it open though and it keeps things cool and fresh, and when it rains it sounds unbelievable. So loud, but in a comforting way. I LOVE listening to the drumming of rain when I'm in bed. And lately, there's been the added magic of sax music, heard faintly through the rain at midnight, as I'm falling asleep. Or even if it's not raining, it's still a welcome sound. I think whenever I think about this apartment in the future, I'm going to think of sax music, because it so often seems to be drifting in through the windows.

Anyways, today is my last day of freedom. I start the new job tomorrow at Mayfair mall (I'm only working at that one for my very first shift) at 1:00! Thankfully it's only a measly 4 hour shift. I'm always grateful when they break you in gently like that. I haven't had a job for nearly a month! I'm so used to being restful. I'm going to miss it so much. This month has been so luxurious. Ah well. Time to suck it up! Who knows, I could make some new awesome friends...I could end up loving it.

Andreas had an unexpected day off today too so it's perfect! We got up early and tidied the apartment because some guy was coming in to check our smoke detector. Not that it was tooo messy, but there was clutter that had been building up. It was funny though, because when the guy came in, he was literally in and out in a second, and most definitely didn't notice (or care about) a thing in our apartment. At least it's super nice and clean in here now though. After that we went and I got us some coffee (americano for me, london fog for a hun) and we bought some fruit and ginger chews from china town. In a bit we're going to go out and take a photography walk because we FINALLY found the charger for our digital camera! YAY!! It's a bit stormy out, but I'm in the mood for that today. Aaanywho I'll let you know how the job goes tomorrow. I'm noivous. heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

bridge

2010-03-27T15:22:00.002-07:00

I've been researching and downloading new music all day. Grooveshark is so useful for that. It doesn't have the NEWEST stuff, but most stuff I search for I can find on grooveshark, and basically review an entire album before risking a download. It's exhausting though, wading through so much mediocre and bad music, and only occasionally encountering gems.

I feel like I've fallen in love with Andreas all over again, only this time is even better. I remember hearing one time about how if a couple makes it past the 3rd year, things get a lot smoother because you stop trying to change the other person - and that's EXACTLY how I feel! heehee. Today we went for a bike ride to the bus depot in Glanford to pick up a bicycle part he needed for a repair job, only to find that they'd had it delivered five minutes before we got there. Hun was pretty frustrated. I didn't mind though, because it was just a fun little bike ride for me. An unexpected time spent with Andreas on a work day. I start MY new job on Tuesday. It's depressing that the majority of my time belongs to someone else now - someone who has no real care and compassion for my well-being, but who just wants to suck all the work they can out of me. I'm not saying my new boss is horrible, she actually seems really awesome. She can't help it. it's just business. It's money that's the culprit! That's why I need to save up money and start up a business of my OWN. A small one. One that doesn't need actual physical space. I'm actually thinking of starting up a few blogs for extra money. One of them is going to be Recipes for Poor people. 'fub, do you think you could possibly design me a blog skin for that? I'd pay you for it of course ;D . I'd insist. And then I'd put a link on my page to an email address you could set up for designing blog skins? yeah? Or a blog. That actually might make more sense.

aanyways, just thought I'd pop on and write a quick post.

2010-03-26T14:24:00.002-07:00

I report with very mixed feelings that I'm hired - at Seeing is Believing. Sigh. It's good that money will be coming in, but I'm watching the last shreds of my freedom float away as I type. I'm now owned. And for only $9/hr.

haha, I know I'm being dramatic. I can't help it! I've been much happier since I haven't been working. I sleep better at night! I have energy to paint and cook and clean! Speaking of which, last night I did an experiment in the kitchen that went wonderfully right! I was GOING to make fried rice, so I started sautéing up some tofu and broccoli ...mostly with soy sauce, but also palm sugar and chili sauce (I always throw kind of weird things together.) But then when I added the rice, I decided to put some spoonfuls of tikka massala lemon coriander curry paste in, as well as most of a can of coconut milk. I then added about a cup and a half of water and some chicken bouillon granules, and some shredded chicken from a leftover rotisserie chicken. I let it simmer down until it was thick, and then garnished it with fresh coriander. SO GOOD! Andreas kept saying it was the best thing we've ever made. Not all of my experiments go so damn well, so I was pretty proud of myself.

Anyways, I'm nervous to start this job. I've never had real sales pressure on me before, and I have no idea how I'll perform.

I went for a bike ride today that took me up around prospect lake. I've done it once before, but it was a long time ago, so I wasn't prepared for just how undulating prospect lake road is...especially the first bit, it's hill after hill with hardly a break in between! Also, I remember noting the headwind during the first part of my ride and looking forward to it being at my back on the last bit...only to discover an even more aggressive headwind on the way back! Why?? How?! Anyways, it was a good work out. That fact cannot be denied or argued with.

there's a new bike at Andreas' store that he's excited about. It's a Batavus, and it's called a Personal Delivery Bike. It has a rack on the back that's perfect for someone to ride "sidesaddle', and last night, in the drizzle, that's exactly what we did. We rode up to the Market to get some ginger chews. It was fun! I also grabbed some imported brittish candy while hun was waiting outside with the bike, completely forgetting the real reason we'd made the trip up there (to get saran wrap). heh heh. Oh well!

in the quiet

2010-03-24T17:29:00.002-07:00

I went out super early today to go job hunt. I'm getting really restless about not having a job, especially since I haven't tried VERY hard to get one yet, so it's been building up, and today I went and put more of an effort in. I decided to hit some of the touristy shops on government st. One of the shops I went into, Seeing is Believing, the lady I talked to looked SO MUCH like Andrea!! It was nuts. Silver hair, green eyes, same sort of chin and mouth. Same sort of out-goingness. I think it just may have put me more at ease than usual. She asked me all sorts of unusual questions, such as if I was a sea creature what would I be (jellyfish), if I was a sandwich what would I be (pb&j - simple and tasty) and things like that. Then she put a star on my resume, telling me that not everyone got a star. hee! And sure enough, I got a call back in the afternoon and scheduled an interview...which I actually just got back from. It went ok. Some parts were good, but then she talked at me for ages, and when people talk at me for too long, without a chance for me to jump in, it always makes me a wee-bit uncomfortable. Anyways, I'm never sure with interviews. Sometimes I feel i did AWESOME, but never get a call back, and other times I feel I was super awkward and end up getting the job. Kind of infuriating. So we'll see! She really pushed at me how i'd have to sell things, and that that was the bottom line...so it did make me feel pressured, but really I think I could do it. People almost always misjudge me, because I have such a calm demeanour, that I wouldn't be good at things like that. But I AM. I know how to approach customers, and I have a pretty good sense of intuition, and I'm pleasant, and capable of joking around, and basically I'm pretty confident that I have the needed skills. It's weird - I'm shy and reserved on a personal level, but put me in a customer service situation and I'm able to just go out there and do it, and it's not that hard for me. Anyways she DID sort of seem to understand that. She said that her best seller was quiet and that she herself was shy, and so she knew that it didn't necessarily take bubbly outgoingness. But she DID stress that if you didn't sell anything, you wouldn't survive. So I don't know. I'm actually hoping for a call-back from a yoga clothing store. So that's what's going on for me on the job front.

Andreas had a day off today!!! I LOVE it when we have time to spend together, because we just get along so well. We went and got batteries for our film camera and walked around town taking pictures. Only a few more left, and then I'm getting it developed and I can't wait! there's not MANY pictures of Nova Scotia on there, but I totally forgot what I did take pictures of so I'm super excited to see.

We've recently downloaded a pile of new music and I'm still weeding through it, but so far I know that i love Man Man. They're crazy and fun. My fave song is "Feathers", and "Engrish Bwudd" is also good. Vetiver is also a good band, and we downloaded a new album from Calexico which seems to be all instrumental, but good none the less. Also Joanna Newsome, Micatone, Nightmares on Wax...and I'll stop there. Music overload.

kiara

2010-03-22T09:25:00.003-07:00

It's so nice to look out the window and see little leaves sprouting at last from the tree outside! And there's a pair of crows building a nest in the tree beside ours. I spent some time yesterday spying on them cuddling. Super cute. I have lots of time to waste spying on crow couples these days. I have to admit, having nothing to do gets taxing after awhile. Never thought I'd say THAT. But there you are.

Last night me and Andreas embarked on a laundry mission. Doing laundry for us is no mean feat. The closest laundromat is 3 looong city blocks away, and we have to employ a trailer in order to lug all our combined clothes there. Then we need to stay there for a few hours. This time I rode behind him on my bike. I had to stand up the whole way because I was wearing a skirt that didn't allow for much movement. It was windy. The sky was dramatic. Clear but with dark smoke puffs of cloud amongst the white billowing cloud. Me n' my hunny had been fighting so the first half of our journey was pretty quiet. We loaded most of our bounty in the biggest industrial washing machine there, and then filled up a normal sized one, and STILL had clothes left over. Then we went and sat in the plush chairs by the door and perused magazines. It wasn't long before Andreas looked at me with this look he has and said that one of us should probably go get a 'treat'. This ended up being me (the non-working hun). I didn't mind. I felt like a walk anyways. However I soon found out that it had suddenly gotten a lot colder, and a lot windier, and I was only wearing a skirt and sandals, with a thin cardigan to keep me warm. I went to Dolce Vita because I felt like a coffee and Andreas wanted a cookie. (As a side note, Dolce Vita consistently makes some of the best espresso drinks I've had in Vic. A comforting bonus is that they're also direct trade. Thought I'd do some free advertising for them. Actually this feels familiar...it's possible I've written about them before. anybosoms) I returned with my goods. Andreas munched on his hedgehog cookie and I sipped my americano. Occasionally we traded goods. I learned from my girlie magazine that birth control makes women more attracted to feminine men, because they don't experience that spike in their hormones mid-cycle (ovulation) that would attract them to more masculine men - masculine men being shown to have better immune systems. Now you know! Also, feminine men statistically are more likely to commit long-term (due to estrogen). Ain't estrogen great? I'm quite content to have it raging through me.
Ok. After awhile, my cold became too much so I planted myself firmly on Andreas' lap. I amused myself by asking him silly questions and stealing his magazine until he answered me. Sometimes I can be quite a bug. I learned how to be annoying from...well, everyone in my family. A few people stand out amongst the rest especially, but no need to name names :) . Wouldn't want anyone feeling left out! Anyways. The rest of the laundry experience was spent pleasantly on Andreas' lap, until our clothes were finally done, and we folded them and rode a chilly ride home in the dark.

We hadn't been home long before we left again. I pulled on some leggings and put some proper shoes on first, naturally. We walked along the inner harbour and into james bay where we have our car parked, in a residential area where I no longer live. Apparently the neighbours have also realized this, as we've been getting notes tucked politely under the window wipers. Once we got in the car, we both decidedly felt like going for a drive. throughout our relationship we've driven hardly at all together - only for special occasions. Like at first when I lived in Nanaimo and he'd come to see me or pick me up in the ole faithful VW golf...and then when we went to mexico in said golf...when we journeyed across canada and back, etc. So it always feels kind of special to be driving together. On the way we stopped at the Bingo Hall and I picked up my last check (which was double what I was expecting! YAY!!!). We drove to Langford so Andreas could check out a new bike store opened up there. Then when we got back, we found a more suitable parking space for our car and walked back in the cold drizzle that had started up.

There. There's a random piece of our life. Hope you've enjoyed it :D.

tintinambulation

2010-03-16T09:04:00.001-07:00

lately I've been really into chill, groove music. It's my favourite music to listen to when I'm just hanging out at home, browsing the 'net, painting, cooking, cleaning - everything. Waldeck and Parov Stellar are two of my faves, I know I've mentioned them on here before (they are both just so so excellent), but the 'genius mixes' function on itunes always pulls up tons of other fantastic artists, such as Four Tet, Ethiopiques, Bonobo (LOVE bonobo) Brian Eno...almost every song it pulls up is good. That's what I love about groove music, it's so stimulating, yet easy to listen to. So perfect for when I'm in a creative mood. Which lately I have been quite a bit. I just finished a painting in fact - the first painting I've actually finished in a year! I was on such a high while I was painting it, I was in that perfect flow where every single brush stroke is perfect and satisfying to the pit of your stomach. I'm so proud of it! yay.

I have to say that not working seems to agree with me for the most part. I've been cleaning on a regular basis, AND making dinner...AND it's been enjoyable! It's almost as if I've had some sort of paradigm shift. I know I've had a paradigm shift in other parts of my life - Andreas. I won't go into THAT story, because it's personal and long and probably boring for other people to read, but I'll just say that I'm grateful constantly that it's not too late for us to be together. He's imprinted on my heart. You just wait. I know some of my past actions may make people doubt what I'm saying now, but I'm confident that the flaky Amy of old has been quieted for good. It's just too bad that it took me causing so much pain before my eyes were opened and my attitude was able to change. I feel like I've grown up a bit! There, that's all I'll say on that for now.

I had an interview today, for Monks and I also had one yesterday for Rogers Communications. I think both of them went well, but I have to wait until Friday to hear back from them. The guy from Monks was super neato and we actually sat and chatted for about an hour. He said he likes helping people find employment, so even if a place doesn't open up in a Monks store in Victoria (the position I was being interviewed for was in Sydney - boo), he's going to see if he can help me get a job somewhere else. I've also applied at Morris Tobacconist, which is exciting! I know, I know - first gambling and then smoking, what AM I on about? All I can say is that it's a super neat little store RIGHT down town, beside Munroe's bookstore (which is a fabulous book store), and I'd make a salary as well as commission. I probably won't get the job though, even though the lady really seemed to like me (I made her laugh :D ) because, well, quite frankly I'm not a smoker and know nothing about the product they're selling. We'll see. At this point I'll take whatever pops up, because I've come to terms with the fact that there IS no ideal job out there for me. A job is simply, for me, a means to save money so I can start up business ideas of my own - which I have been getting a lot of lately - so, yeah. Means to an end. I'd still like it to be a pleasant atmosphere though. And decent pay.

Not working is so fantastic, but as of yet I haven't been a financial burden...sigh. I really don't want to have to mess with my savings. I had a huge melt-down the other day, about my weight (now THERE'S demon I'd like to let go of) and about only having drab, colourless heavy things to wear (most of my clothes are packed away in the wonderbread truck, and it's TIRING to always be presenting yourself in drab unflattering ways). It may seem totally shallow, but I just cried and cried like my heart was broken. Afterwards Andreas insisted on giving me $140 to spend on clothes..! We've never been that kind of couple before, so it feels kind of weird, but also (I'm not going to lie) awesome. I'm so excited. We're going shopping tomorrow. I'm making him come with me, because lately all the clothes I've been buying have been either falling apart almost immediately, or I get home and wear them for a week before realizing I hate them. So I need a sensible person's opinion. And Andreas is nothing if not sensible. What a sweet guy huh. He's the best. Yep.

pimbly

2010-03-08T10:29:00.003-08:00

I'm sick. I've missed two rides already! sob. It's Andreas. The boy does not get a day off - that's right, not a SINGLE day off right now, while they're moving the shop to another location. He's got a horrible flu bug...coughing and aching and fever. But still, goes to work every single day, and nothing I say can convince him otherwise. So, I held off on catching it for a bit, but now it seems like I've finally got it. I have a phlegmy cough and my ribs and legs are starting to ache. It sucks, because there's no way that I can't go out job hunting today. I just have to. I'm running out of money. I mean, I have a fair bit in my savings, but I was going to use that to get a bike...so I really don't want to dip into that.

I feel stuck in a line of boring, pointless retail jobs. I want to do something FUN, something that I want to do. I've started a painting, and when it's done, I'm going to do some more, and if I work up enough courage, I might try and take them around to coffee shops.

Me and Andreas have a mouse. yes we do! And it's sooo cute. We saw it a couple of times like maybe a month ago, sneaking along the cupboards and scurrying back behind the fridge if we made too fast of a move. But then last night Andreas tried to catch it (to put it outside, I guess). We had it trapped behind the stove, and it was so cute - when it came running around the side where I was waiting for it, it JUMPED when it saw me like a foot in the air, and then scurried back! Then we felt bad and left it alone. But it's like that experience made it bolder than ever. We caught it twice venturing so far as underneath our computer desk, with us lounging mere feet away. Andreas has become obsessed with watching for it. It's so tiny. Anyways. Yes that is the most interesting news I can come up with.

Yesterday i did the dishes - well, I started them, and then Andreas came and helped. It felt soo good to do them. And then we had a REAL meal, of steamed broccoli and cauliflower and rotisserie chicken. It felt really good to eat food I'd made mostly myself. And that's all...I really should go have a shower and get on with my day.

syrup and honey

2010-03-02T10:43:00.002-08:00

time for another post. Hmmm, let's see...

Well, I did my first "long" ride yesterday. 40km. It was a little chilly, but it felt so good afterwards. There's nothing like the feeling of a workout via bike. To tell you the truth, I woke up yesterday in the hugest of slumps. The thought of going for a 40k ride made me want to burst into tears...I just did not feel capable. I phoned Andreas at work and grumpily told him this. "You'll just feel worse if you don't go", he said. Which I knew was true, but did not want to hear. Anyways, I've long ago found that just taking the first small step will often catapult you into doing something you're having a hard time doing. So MY first step is putting my riding clothes on. Once I do that, it's like I've stepped onto a raft going downstream, and i'm carried forwards just by taking that first step. So i don't even THINK about going for a ride, I just think about putting my clothes on. Then the rest sort of just happens without me really thinking about doing it. Another thought that gives me lots of comfort is thinking about how I'd probably just be at home wasting time on the computer if I wasn't out riding. So may as well be out riding! Anyways. Enough of Amy's personal motivational tips...

So I found out yesterday, like I always find out, that that ride just isn't so bad. In fact it's quite lovely. I just put it off in my mind and make it huge because it's the longest ride I do. But it's not even THAT long. So, two hours and 15 min after putting my riding clothes on, I returned back home, had a nice steamy hot shower, and settled down to the rest of my day with waves of euphoria from the endorphins washing over me. Slump? Vanished! yaaaay.

"This is the army of forgotten souls" by Transglobal Underground. Quite enjoyable.

Mmm...I've applied at Chapters, Russell books and Monks (sort of...I got my resumes printed there, and the guy offered to put in a word for me with his boss! hehe).

Also, I'm writing a song. WITH LYRICS. I'll keep you posted on it...

write it all down

2010-02-26T01:13:00.003-08:00

I can't sleep, so I may as well write a blog post.

I worked a short floor selling shift tonight at work. Hun came and visisted me on my break at 8:30, and bought me a coffee, which MIGHT be why I can't sleep now. But also my mind is running over things a bit too much. Things like finding a new job.... and ...well I guess that's the main thing stressing me out lately. It's JUST starting to sink in that I've finally actually quit this place. By the way, it's not that it was getting super horrible for me...I mean, there's always been certain people that have stressed me out there. It's more that it's waaaay overdue for a change. Stale. STALE BREAD CRUMBS.

party-ers making noise outside. that's one thing that kinda sucks about living right downtown.

OH! I was interviewed for TV today. I don't think I'll actually make it ON TV, and i hope not, because it was a gross moment for me. I had just started out on my ride, when a tall balding friendly man called out to me, "hey! Can I ask you some questions on TV?"
Lets give you some background first though. Me and Andreas had a horrible pizza experience the night before. I mean, we ordered from The Joint, so it was very delicious. That wasn't the problem. The problem was, we each had 3 pieces (the joint pizzas are much larger than regular pizzas). Normally we're able to handle that amount...but for some reason eating those 3 pieces made both of us feel like our midsections would explode. I had the most horrible sleep after that. I kept waking up parched and still feeling full. In the morning, I still felt quite full, like no digesting had happened at ALL.

So. Back to being interviewed: I felt bloated and yucky, I was wearing a most unflattering cycling outfit that I'd just thrown on, and I'd failed to remove the make-up smudges from the day before (I figured that I was going to have a shower immediately after my ride, so what was the point?). I'd been feeling quite depressed before I left the house. Thus no effort went into my appearance. It took everything I had just to go outside and do my ride. Anyways, I don't think I'll make it on TV, because he asked me if I thought this was "Canada's Shining Moment" (Olympics..) and I was all "uhh, I wouldn't put it that way..". I should have said, "out of all the things Canada's ever done, no, but athletics-wise, sure!" but I was never known for being brilliant when put on the spot. heh heh. Then he asked me if I was an Olympic athlete and if I'd be cycling in the next summer olympics. He had a huge grin on this face the entire time. I figured out why during my ride. It forces one to grin back without really thinking about it. Clever ploy.

I craved oranges all day today. I crave fresh fruit and vegetables. Tomorrow I'm taking a trip to China town to buy loads of produce. I'm sooo tired of eating out. I want broccoli! steamed broccolil with butter and salt and pepper. So tasty.

Step away from my light, I need shine

2010-02-21T14:38:00.002-08:00

I just got back from my Mt.Doug (30km) ride...I loved it. It was sunny, and bright, and brisk, and I kept getting lungfuls of blossomy scented air. I felt strong too. At one point, I passed a woman and her daughter (on a trail-a-bike) going up a hill, and the woman said to me as I went by "thatta girl!" It made me feel really really good. I'm especially sensitive to encouragement when I'm physically straining myself, apparently. No but really, little unexpected positive interactions with strangers always make me feel that way. Like when you smile at someone and they flash you a genuine, warm, real smile back. It gives me such a warm feeling that doesn't immediately fade. I don't know why I don't engage in that more often. It often feels impossible to look someone in the eye as I pass them. Why is that such an intimidating thing?

Anyways, it's the next day now. Yesterday I cleaned and organized the living room, and washed the windows. Washing the windows was particularly satisfying, because I'd drawn some (pretty awesome) designs on them with window crayons when we first got the apartment, but it had gotten all chipped and stuff. It was time for it to go! Now the windows are sparkly and clean. This gives me huge amounts of satisfaction. Especially because the tree outside is just starting to get little green fuzzy things on it! It's funny, I'm so focussed on clarity right now - emptying out the clutter of mind and energy. I WOULD pontificate on something like washing the windows.

I'm buying a bike! I'm so excited about it. It's going to be a Pashley, an upright city bike - I don't know if any of you know of Pashley, but they make absolutely beautiful classic bikes, and they're made in England - and it's a shocking PINK!!! and it has cream tires. I'm going to get a basket for it, and generator lights. I know I'll have two pink bikes now...but I can't help it! As soon as I saw this bike I HAD to get it. I was going to get a celeste green abici, which is another lovely dutch style upright city bike with a basket...but yeah. Like I said, as soon as I saw the Pashley...this is it, by the way...I was in love, and I just can't be satisfied with an Abici (here).. (the "grantourismo donna" in the turquoise-y colour). I'm going to put different handlebars on the Poppy. more like the Pashley Princess handlebars. It's going to be just awesome, and I can't wait!!