11.07.2009
wet cat nose
my feet at the moment, are cold and bloodless. It's not pleasant, not pleasant at all. Nope. I'm coming onto the last hours of my freedom (I work tomorrow morning). Sigh. But it makes less difference than I'm used to it making, whether I work or not. Maybe because most of my friends are there. And because it's devoid of the bad kind of stress. Only the good, invigorating kind.
I can't WAIT to get a kitten.
I'm not sure what to write about what's going on, me and Andreas wise. We talk a lot and I miss him and he misses me, but what can you do? Sigh. Lots of sighs.
A happier thing is that Micah is still the best friend ever. Also, I've been painting (rather stormily and satisfyingly). And writing songs, and drawing. I'm debating whether or not to move away from victoria. It feels a bit like it'd be RUNNING away. I'm Ok with that though, I just don't know what I want yet. And where would I move? Vancouver seems like too big of a step. Tofino is fraught with difficulties. And I LOVE Victoria. If I move, I feel like it would only be temporary, like a retreat. Hmm. I don't know, though. Quite indecisive at the moment. Maybe I should raise my sights and think about doing something. ANYthing. Like, maybe a course somewhere. Maybe my life needs a different goal, rather than just merely surviving.
5 comments
bum.by.the.sea posted @ 12:46 AM
10.30.2009
I bought an espresso maker
I haven't felt like blogging because I've been depressed. I've been sinking into quite the hole. I haven't been doing any of the things that keep me sane. No bike rides, no morning pages. It's just so painful for me to think that Andreas could let go of me that fast. Like, in a month. That's all I was? A month?? Until someone better waltzes in...
in theory I want him to let go of me...just not that fast! This is why I didn't want to blog. This is all that's been on my mind lately, so I don't have much else to write about.
6 comments
bum.by.the.sea posted @ 7:30 PM
10.27.2009
navajo amy
You see, I've got a new winter jacket, and it's really awesome, and the design on it makes me think: Navajo! So, I'm navajo Amy. I haven't posted in awhile because I haven't been able to come here and use the 'net. Drama's been going down with Andreas and me. I've been having a hard time...I've got that squeezed heart-broken feeling following me around. If not for Micah I'd go absolutely crazy, when he's hanging around a lot of the pain melts away. I'm worried about it though, I'm worried about being too dependant on another one person. I need to hang out with a bigger variety of people. Which, actually, today was a good day in that way. I got payed by the big boss at work to go play bingo at the other hall and be a spy! So I got to play bingo on THEIR money, it was rad. hehe! My first time, too, and probably my last, unless it's strictly a hanging-out thing. Too frustrating, watching your money slip down the drain like that, and it wasn't even MY money. Krista and Jenneane, two girls from work, came too and we all played together and had good talks about stuff. I always have good conversations with them, they're two awesome, open-minded strong people. So today was good.
I've decided to get a kitty. Now I just need the funds!
I'm supervising full-time at work now. Neat. I like it better than floor-selling, you don't have to run around, and it's much more mentally stimulating.
I've been (and Micah's been helping) making my place into quite a cozy little nest. Over my bed, which is a wooden frame built into the three walls around it (with two big step platforms going down on one side, and a ledge going around the whole thing) there's a pipe, and me and Micah hung some blankets and afghans down from it, so it makes a little fort. Mostly the blankets are tied back, like a curtain. And there's some white mini christmas lights going around the head of my bed on the wall. And Micah made me a GIANT penguin ball! It's hilariously huge - the size of a bean bag chair...maybe a little smaller, but still! so that's sitting there on one of the platforms. And I've hung my pictures up. I'm liking my little place so far. I just wish I had a living room, instead of just a bedroom and a little kitchen.
I'm being a substitute teacher for Halloween (at work). I wanted to be Amelia Earhart, but we got rid of our Army Surplus store (!) so I couldn't find anything for the costume, except for that there's an abundancy of bomber jackets going around right now. But one can't dress for halloween in a bomber jacket alone.
6 comments
bum.by.the.sea posted @ 3:30 PM
10.18.2009
wild things
Here's some songs I wrote. PLEASE listen to them! and PLEASE comment. Of course you don't have to, it just means so much to me when you do. I know I don't have the perfect voice - there's some voice sliding things going on in the rainy day one that I want to change. But I like them. And I'd prefer it if there was no criticism. Criticism is not something I am looking for. :P
rainydaylullabye
silver
I watched "Where the Wild Things Are" last night, and LOVED IT. So inspiring. Which reminds me that I need to look up the soundtrack. Going to do that right now before I forget. hmm, not available on torrentz yet. Oh well.
ANYWAYS. it brought out tons of emotion, as movies are wont to do for me, and afterwards, walking home, it was incredibly foggy. Me and Micah mostly didn't talk. I was enjoying the light from the street lamps cutting through the fog in between tree branches, and the still water droplets hanging off everything. My hair got soaked. It was magical, so once we got back to my place we decided to keep walking towards the ocean. We made jokes about it being the end of the world, because it TOTALLY looked like it. You couldn't see anything beyond the cliffs, it was just darkness and grey fog, with the distant sound of waves below. It was actually really eerie when we were walking along the isolated path right beside the cliffs. The fog cut off any sound from the street, which seemed infinitely far away anyways, across a field and hidden by tall tangled brush, and on the other side it just looked like everything stopped, and we couldn't see very far in front of us because of how thick and heavy the fog was. I FREAKING LOVE FOG. it's my favourite part about fall. I was totally convinced we'd meet a serial killer or something though. It was that kind of night! Rather Halloweenish. then we went back to my place and talked about things until 4am, when he finally left. I feel so close to that guy. We're so connected, and easy, with each other. Neither of us makes many demands. That's what's so great. One of the things, anyways. We click in such a positive, uplifting, and free way.
I had a good talk with Andreas today, speaking of which. He's seeing someone, and it seems like she'll be really good for him motivational wise. I mean, I always really liked Andreas's ideas, and wanted him to do them, but this girl is super driven and actually DOES stuff, and I think she'll really help him get stuff done. Because that boy is just full of great ideas, WONDERFUL ideas, and he needs to do them. I think that I stopped him somehow, just like he stopped me from the kind of growing I wanted to do. Neither of us WANTED to, but it was just the way we were without knowing how or why. Now i'm hanging out with someone that encourages me in my inner-drivenness, and HE'S with someone that encourages him with his drive to DO things...and it's funny how fast that happened for both of us. Almost like it was just waiting to happen. Like we were keeping these people out with our relationship bubble, but they've been circling around, and when the bubble popped - SHLUCK! they were sucked right in.
Not to say that we're over each other, because it's quite the opposite. My heart aches all the time for him. I'm relieved that he's found someone, because I want him to be happy and I was worried about him, but also filled with dread, because it's like I'm really losing him. It helps that I've been expecting it. I knew that he'd find someone, and I knew that it would hurt. I knew that he didn't actually belong to me.
Anyways, not that I know what will happen. But we DO both seem to be finding good paths, and I can't really help but think this is a good thing in that way.
I'm really personally driven. Micah pointed it out and it's true. It means that I can be really self-absorbed, but I'm ok with that. I need to be at the moment.
7 comments
bum.by.the.sea posted @ 12:11 PM
10.15.2009
penis festival
They have one in Japan! Isn't that neat?
Anyways. I guess my last post is a little overly defensive. I dunno - I'm pretty emotional lately. And I think I was feeling insecure, which I am quite prone to these days, and it made me a little feisty. But really I'm done being warned about being friends with Micah. Me cutting him out of my life is just not gonna happen. He's great. I'm filled with guilt all the time, though. Filled with so much guilt about leaving Andreas. And then somehow being able to be so happy hanging out with another person. ARGH!!! Hard things are coming. Hard things that I need to do. I'm so conflicted! I love Andreas so much. Lost Amy. That's what I am. I'm realizing thought that being "lost" really just means that I'm not ready to face whatever it is I need to do yet.
Ok, enough about that.
Today was a day off for me! I was supposed to go for a bike ride this morning, but I didn't because I woke up feeling sick, and also I've got awfully intense period going on..so I just didn't. I might later tonight though, because I feel guilty for not doing it. 'Cause once i miss one, it gets harder and harder to do them, and I NEED them for my sanity. I slept in until 11 this morning, too. I blame it on my bedroom! It's pitch black in there, even during the day, so it ALWAYS feels like the middle of the night when you turn the light off in there. It's tricky! I am constantly tricked into sleeping in, and I don't like it. Mind you, I could just use the alarm function on my phone. Never seems to do any good though. It'll alarm, I'll turn it off, and go back to sleep. Not exactly effective. :P
It's been a productive day though! I haven't bought any clothes with my new pay check yet, but I've gotten champagne, some blue Golden acrylic paint (now I have all the primary colours! yay!) and a wooden board to paint on, groceries....and today I stopped off at value village with Micah and picked up an awesome hardcover book of Canadian poems and prose in their vintage book section (LOVE their vintage book section. I always find tons of sweet old books there. Micah got some thin Cambridge volumes on geometry and such. He's like that.), and two pictures to put up on my wall. I was in there like a week ago, and saw this big awesome painting of an italian style dancing clown eating spaghetti that I REALLY wanted. It was all 1940's-ish, so we hid it and I was going to come back and get it when I had money...but today it was gone. Ah well. I got an old ink print of a castle in an sweet old wooden frame, and an advertisement for a horse etched onto a board. All turn of the century-ish and cool. I'm so excited to decorate. I was also looking for christmas lights to put up in my room, so it's not so dark (preferably those LED ones that change colour, but even white ones would be cool), but we didn't find any satisfactory ones in the places we looked. I'm being organized with this paycheck. I made myself up a budget, and I'm sticking to it! I'm even saving my receipts, something I've NEVER done before, and keeping track of EVERYTHING I buy. I've put a certain amount of money aside for certain stuff. Its feels responsible. But stressful at the same time. hehe. Yeah. I don't like being poor. Oh yes - I also bought owl salt and pepper shakers. and cheesecloth. Can't forget the cheesecloth. Man. My money is disappearing so fast though! And it hasn't even been a week! And I'm supposed to go have a girls night out tonight with some work friends. We were going go have Mexican food and margaritas. Doesn't exactly sounds cheap, does it. AND on top of that, there's a staff party in a few days, which ALSO won't be cheap, because I just know there'll be going out afterwards. ugh. And I haven't even bought clothes yet! Sigh.
5 comments
bum.by.the.sea posted @ 4:55 PM
10.12.2009
blue balloon
Just one more thing about me n' Micah. I don't like the misunderstandings that are abounding. I want to make it clear that it's not that cliche cookie-cutter, black and white scenario that you are all spouting at me. I've been in situations like that, let me tell you! (brad...drew..etc, if any of you remember those sagas). You all seem to think I'm some naive little girl, being easily duped and manipulated by some guy preying on me, who, once he finds out that he can't get a piece, will leave me hurt and betrayed and wondering where my "amazing friend" has gone. Not like that! Alright?
So let me tell you how it is. I've worked with him for 9 months now, and I've always thought he was neat. I always wanted to be friends with him. He's likewise always thought I was neat and wanted to be friends and hang out with ME. We started hanging out as friends before me and Andreas broke up, and it was delightful. We kept hanging out afterwards, and he's been very supportive. Basically, pretty much as soon as we started hanging out, we clicked in an amazing way. I've never experienced anything like it. He CAN be rather overwhelmingly generous with gifts of food and things like that. He keeps me well fed. And it's true that he probably wouldn't be quite so generous if he didn't care about me so much. But it's also who he is. He's an odd guy, like no one you've ever met before, that I can promise you. One of a kind.
ANYWAYS, bottom line is, even if he IS just looking to use me, it's too late! I don't WANT to hide, or protect myself. I want to experience all of this amazing person I've met.
It's also true that I want to be alone. I've set up pretty clear-cut boundaries that I feel comfortable with.
Ok, I can also admit that it's a sticky situation, mainly because I'm pretty chaotic right now. In THIS regard, it's Micah who should watch out, not me. I'm pretty frank about this with him. He insists that he wants to experience all of me, not just the happy bits.
Ok, ok, it's sticky and complicated. What isn't? But the point is that I KNOW what I'm doing! And, basically, even the most stable-looking situations can end in hurt and yuckiness. I don't find the possibility of a bad ending deterrent enough to stop me from experiencing this particular, new, thrilling, wonderful friendship.
I hope I've made myself clear this time. I DO appreciate that you guys care about me and don't want to see me hurt. But I'm a smart cookie. And please try to first see what's going on, rather than assuming.
4 comments
bum.by.the.sea posted @ 10:53 AM
10.08.2009
coming to terms with the equinox
I have another quick moment on the internet. So'm gonna come on again. I've been having a recurring theme in my dreams. It's happened twice: in one dream, somehow the insides of a cigarette got into my mouth, and I was trying to spit out big slimy glops in the plugged sink of this gross public washroom. Then I realized the sink wasn't plugged, the stopper was just in it, so I took care of that. But I couldn't for the life of me get all the gross slimy tar out of my mouth.
In the other dream, I put a bunch of clay in my mouth, and then, same thing. Couldn't get any of it out...I tried gouging it out with my hands, spitting it out, but there was always some left, and it prevented me from talking.
I also had a most creepy, horrible nightmare, but at the risk of losing interest I won't talk about it. But suffice it to say, my dreams have been pretty powerful lately, and I think my subconscious is shouting stuff at me.
2 comments
bum.by.the.sea posted @ 12:05 PM
10.07.2009
jellie bellie
I don't have much time, but I just wanted to blip on and say that I know Micah likes me. He's always been extremely forthright and open about how he feels. I like him too! But we ARE just doing the friends thing. Don't worry about me. This is an experience I would be a fool to let pass me by, even if it ends in hurt.
0 comments
bum.by.the.sea posted @ 4:11 PM
10.05.2009
Thanks to the people leaving comments lately. It might be greedy of me, but I need that kind of support right now. I gobble it up, if you will.
Last night after I got home from a long and boring closing shift at work, I found that Micah had left me a delicious dinner - steamed vegetables and rice and this creamy mushroom sauced chicken breast! And also, the rest of his cookies. This boy really takes care of me. I don't know exactly what I'm doing to keep attracting such awesome and supportive people into my life, but for some inexplicable reason..! First Andreas, then Micah. Although I'd like a really good girl friend for a change.
I'm going to have to learn how to budget. This paycheck simply didn't stretch far enough for me! And it's like 8 whole days until the next one...oh, the plans I have for that paycheck! THE PLANS! For one thing, I need to establish a candy jar in my place. Also, I want it to be fully stocked with champagne at all times ( you just never know!). So that'll have to start. THEN, I need pots, pans, plates, knives, forks, bowls...you get the idea. I've got literally nothing. But (and this is probably most important), I also need clothes. Tons and tons of clothes. Let me tell you, I am just going to go NUTS on buying clothes for the fall and winter. I'm even going to buy boots. And BAGS! Oh, and I need towels and stuff for the bathroom. I only have one towel. There's other stuff, too. I probably won't be able to get all of that with this next paycheck, especially as I'm determined to put at least $100 of it aside in my savings account. But it's going to be a fun paycheck, full of spending, that's what. What's even better? It's going to be guilt-FREE spending. Yay. I'm excited.
But that's 8 days away, and until then I've got some fruit, and some other groceries that I can't do anything with until I get some sort of cooking utensils. But there's also Micah, who seems determined to make sure that I don't go hungry. He's so great. Don't know what I've done to deserve it. But for whatever reason, he's here for me and seems to like hanging around and listening to me gripe, and also feeding me, and I'm going to appreciate it for all it's worth!
Yesterday I forced myself to get up and go for a bike ride in the morning. It helped that it was mine and Andreas' agreement that we go for one together every sunday. It was gorgeously bright and sunny, and just a thoroughly lovely ride, aside from some painful moments. I wish, for Andreas' sake, that I was the type to wear my emotions more on the surface, so he could see how much it hurts me too. But I don't! I don't even know how to get at that stuff when I'm with another person. It can usually only come out when I'm alone! But it doesn't mean I don't feel it. It's like we were one person, and now we're ripping apart. There's no way to escape that kind of pain. I just wish I could let him know that somehow, because he just doesn't believe me. Sigh.
5 comments
bum.by.the.sea posted @ 1:20 PM
10.03.2009
moderation
I finally moved into my new place last night at around 8pm. It was already dark, thanks to the arrival of winter (sigh). Me and Andreas took most of my stuff in one trip. A few garbage bags and two boxes, and that was it. Then we had a very painful goodbye. I normally stow all of that feeling away down deep where I can almost never get at it, even if I want to. But hugging him hard in front of the open front door, I knew that....well, I knew what I was saying goodbye to, and it was heart-wrenching. But almost as soon as he left, it dived down inside of me again, and I sat on my new bed and felt how oppressively quiet it was. But as I looked around me, I also felt satisfaction, that I was in MY space, with the freedom to fill it with...ME!
I wasn't alone for very long, still feeling down and depressed from the goodbye, when 'fub called. We talked for a bit until she had to go take care of Owen. But then there was a knock on the door, and it was Micah, and he'd brought over cake. A slice each, and even forks, because he seemed to have known that I wouldn't have any. Micah is such an amazing friend to me lately. He's so awesome and weird, and he's so supportive of everything I do. He just non-judgmentally lets me do whatever I feel I need to do, and thinks I'm just grand. He doesn't want to change me, or control anything about me, and I really feel that with him. That I can be friends with him and have all the room I need to do what I need to do.
Anyways, we just hung out and read books together. Occasionally stopping to brainstorm about a halloween costume for me (I've already considered and rejected being Napoleon Bonaparte, a flapper girl, and an Amy Villain (with a robotic hand, a fedora and a cane that shoots lasers). And then getting sidetracked and talking about other things. I was really glad he was there, because it distracted me from feeling sad, and even made me feel content and comfortable. All loneliness was chased away. And then 'fub called and we talked for a long time and it was really nice.
this morning when I woke up, I saw that Micah had left half his slice of cake. I think he did it because he saw that I didn't have a speck of food. Maybe not, but either way, that was my breakfast and I was grateful I had ANYthing. I then put in a load of laundry and came downtown - back here, to the old apartment to pick up some stuff I'd forgotten, and to see Andreas and let him know of a phone call he'd gotten (from a guy he wants to buy the coolest, cutest old little folding bikes ever from).
Things are mixed up, and I'm not sure what is the right way to act. Me being friends with Micah is a problem for Andreas, and me and Andreas staying too close is a problem for both of us. I try to hide my friendship with Micah from Andreas, but he always seems to find out about stuff. It sucks. In a nutshell.
Plus, my landlord changed his mind, and I'm not allowed to have a pomeranian. Kind of devastating to me. I was even on the waiting list for a puppy, and talking back and forth with the owner about all sorts of stuff, getting all excited. So...that's not going to happen. Oh well. Put that money towards traveling, I suppose.
I just have to say: On Lhasa De Sela's new album ("Lhasa"), her song "I'm going in". It's attached itself to me. I love it. It's her singing about her own death. Beautiful.
4 comments
bum.by.the.sea posted @ 1:50 PM
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