This winter, I am beginning to think of getting away for winters in Tofino. I mean, the abundance of rain is an affirmation of a Universe of abundance.....but even so, I am beginning to think abundance of SUN might be nice. Me and Shawn are planning a trip to Hawaii. We're planning it for next month because that's when we really want to get away. I've been looking up beachfront cabins with private pools (hullo, dip in the ocean dip in the pool?? yeah! that's what I'm talking about). I've been imagining waking up to views of turquoise water and palm trees, having a quick dip in the pool and then chopping some fresh pineapple or papaya for breakfast fruit salad while Shawn makes the coffee. And then going off for the adventure of the day...hiking, snorkeling, surfing, diving!! Afternoon naps, more swimming, going out for food and drinks...good times! I can't wait to visit Hawaii. I feel as though this island and the Hawaiian ones are.... basically the same (vibrant life, lush forests, amazingly beautiful) only Hawaii has much more WARMTH! And that is what I want. Warm, warm sun. Sun-warmed sand. To be outside in the evening and to be warm. Nekkid.

I've been searching the homes that I'd like to buy around Tofino and there isn't much choice at the moment. But I DID find a spot that is right on the mud flats and it's got a cabin, and a suite above a garage and a spot cleared for a main house. Talk about perfect for hosting...and that is something I'm always thinking about in relation to my home because I love to have visitors! I used to think that I would hate the pressure of hosting.....and, well, it really depends on who it is. Of course to host someone you barely know can be...whatever, but hosting your friends and family is a joy. There is no performing there, just fun times. My favourite part (like always) is preparing breakfast things for whoever's staying. I find that starting off the day with organized breakfasting is just swell! It is my most satisfying part of the day to DO things in - the morning, that is - and breakfast is the biggest part of the morning. My energy is full to bursting with upliftedness in the morning, which makes sense. My sun is in Aries after all. We like beginnings and fresh newness. Just to throw some astrology in there. So someone come and visit me and I will make you deluxe breakfasts every day! That is the point I suppose.

the rain's blowing sideways outside...

I want a trip. To Hawaii and sunshine.

I am loved, I am comforted, I am supported completely in every way.
I am beautiful, I am strong, I am full of deep wisdom.
I have endless resources at my disposal.

There. I don't know what to write, and I just kept writing about the thing in my relationship with Shawn that is bursting out right now, but I will NOT post that because it's heavy and I really need my own journal with which to vent such things. Plus I do not want to be immersing myself in what is WRONG right now, but what is right and what I want. So I posted the above lovely affirmations! Here's some more.

I am bright and lovely and full of grace.
Into my heart flows an eternal spring of joy!

Here's some things in my life right now that I love:
the close communion with wilderness
my sisters
I have a super easy job - that's pretty awesome
my hair and my smile and my skin and my whole physical body. It's strong and young and healthy and works pretty perfectly! heh.heh.heh.
my fluffy polka-dot robe that 'fub got me (whatever would I do without it)
my fluffy purring most lovely of cat companions
support from Shawn in all my endeavours
being able to phone and talk to 'fub for free anytime I want
the sound of rain outside my window in the morning and at night
my stove top coffee maker
there are people in my life who enjoy my company and that is nothing to sneeze at
the people in my life who's company I genuinely enjoy

I'll leave it there for now.

vivacious intensity

Overnight, the snow magically disappeared (not that we ever had more than 3 quarters of an inch), and here in Tofino we are back to our usual Rain. The wind blew some warm South-west breath our way, and melted the ice. I know about the way the wind affects the weather thanks to Shawn continually talking about such things in relation to surfing. When one wants to know what the surf is up to, which direction the wind is coming in at is always a factor.

I just bought a pile of clothes! Having money is really fun. I bought a long drippy open cardigan, an awesome sweater-style form-fitting shirt with (the Piece-de-resistance) an open back! I am a fan of things that show back. Also I bought a pair of leggings, much nicer ones than the ones I currently have. And the cutest little cream floral skirt, soft and flow-y but short, with two front pockets. I DO love clothing.

At my current abode you step outside and get the feeling that, aside from an island of houses clustered together, you are in the middle of wild wilderness. Around the houses, trees stretch out in every direction. Between my current abode and the mud flats (where wolves and cougars and eagles and heron and swans and otters abound) is only 15 feet of forest. A bear trail comes out of the forest from the mud flats right into my current yard. May it always, ALWAYS be that way! Not just the bear trail, all of it! haha.

Me and Shawn are house-shopping. For our dream home. Why not? When you know what you want, why spend your energy energizing anything else, I ask?

fairy-land

It snowed just enough yesterday for every branch of every tree to be edged and laced in white. Now today the sun is shining and making the whole world glittery and airy. I'm blessed to live among magnificent arching trees that give one a sense of the hugeness of space and life. There's just something about a northern pine with it's soaring branches flung out, catching the sunlight, that makes you feel free and exhilarated just by noticing it.

I love mornings! They are my favourite time of day. The deep quiet calm feeling, the freshness of it being brand new, the steaming pot of tea or cup of coffee (the sight of steam rising from something in the morning...what is it about that?) and...breakfasts!!! I love all kinds of breakfasts. Warm, nourishing ones (oatmeal or some other type of hot cereal), the deluxe Sunday morning style of breakfast with 3 kinds of juice, pancakes, bacon, eggs, hash browns, biscuits, crescents and fruit (you get the idea)...I JUST LOVE THEM. I didn't plan on caps lock being on just then, but I think it's fitting so I'll leave it!

I don't know what to write about, so I'm just randomly writing about what I like. When I get a computer at home I'll post pictures on days like today when I don't know what to write about. Right now I'd probably put a pic or two in of my fluffy cat companion (these days her main nickname is "Bunnit". It changes often, but she always knows when I'm talking to her). I bought myself a pair of earrings for the first time in like.........YEARS. A flat copper circle and hanging just in front of and lying flat against is a small silver feather. Very pretty. I am into buying my own jewelery these days, I never really have - aside from fakey cheap stuff. Ramble ramble ramble. I'll stop before this gets too meandering.

snow fluff: snoff

It's snowing!!! Fluffy flakes have been bravely persevering since after breakfast (which was, since you asked, lovely chewy steel-cut oatmeal, the best kind!). There is not yet a blanket on the ground but I have high hopes. High hopes of a crunchy, magical snow-walk tonight after work!

Yesterday I excitedly bought dandelion root tincture at the health food store. I can afford things like this! Isn't that lovely? I think it is. Whole and healthy friends that let you eat them - that's what dandelions are. They just sit there in their sunny little corners nodding fluffy golden heads saying "eat me! I'll whole-heartedly give you good health!" really, that's what they say. They are very eager and willing to help us humans. That's why they follow us around! I think it's nice when your company is sought by a friend.

Dandelions. That's a very summery thought for such a snowy day.

I bought myself a scarf the other day - soft and blue (ocean in October blue) with gold rope n' anchors on it. Not actual rope and anchors. It's so soft and warm and comfortable around my neck! I've never been much of a scarf girl before, despite what odd idea some of my sisters might have come up with, but I'm a convert now! And the store I work in just happens to be full of scarves. Yay.

I've decided to become an energy healer. There, now it's official, and everyone who reads my blog knows it. I've always felt a natural healing impulse in my hands when they hover over a wounded area. Think that sounds weird? Or felt it too? I bet a lot of you have felt it too. I imagine it's especially common for women to notice this. Anyways, a while back I was speaking of having no passion in one area or the other...nothing clear enough for me to take direction. Well, now I have uncovered, if you will, a passion. It is, obviously as I said, to become an energy healer, with my own clinic. So mabey y'all could help me out by picturing me attaining this dream!

It's not like I have no passion, I don't want anyone to misunderstand. I often become passionately interested in things, and that is part of the problem. When so many things interest you, which do you choose? Energy healing seems like an integration of a few passions of mine. It feels very "spot-on" too for me...ya know. There's a 'rightness' feeling, if you will.

rain-kissed

We are in the middle of a deluge of rain here in Tofino...non-stop sheets of water coming down from the sky. I quite love the sound outside my window. I love the rain, all together. It feels like a blessing, how abundant and life-giving it is. My attitude towards rain has taken a complete turn around since moving here. Rain doesn't depress me anymore. When I tune into it, it is very peaceful. I love it.

I am going to share something with y'all - a continuation of the ever on-going journey of Amy. I learned a life-thing the other day. A life-changing thing. It took 25 and a half years of living for me to grasp this one thing, so as you can guess, it is no less than Monumental that I HAVE learned it! I bet you're wondering what it is. It's gratitude. That's right. Gratitude is a Secret to living Life, and I never knew how to generate feelings of it. I know, I was taught how to pray before I can even remember...and praying is a formula which involves gratitude (now I know why!)...but when I was a child I interpreted the gratitude part as a "should" thing. Think of all the things you SHOULD be grateful for...in my view, there was guilt attached to the word gratitude somehow. Like these are all the things I should be grateful for but really in my life I totally forget about those things I'm thanking for and it's not authentic. "Should" - such a simple concept, but totally and completely life-changing. So, these days I am making a large effort to utilize positive thinking (I got The Secret book for Christmas), and of course a big one for that, is making gratitude lists and remembering to be grateful every day. Well, I started, and I've started things like that before, but gratitude lists have always frustrated me because they didn't actually work for me...they didn't make me feel the feelings of gratitude, like I said. But I just kept asking for my eyes to be opened and what not to things I am grateful for, and I kept plugging away at it, and the other day I was doing this, feeling frustrated, and it just came to me. I'm doing it wrong! OHHHH YES! First I look inside and remember when I feel good, or joyful, and THEN I thank. So I did that, and things started pouring out of me. Simple things, like refreshing rain on my face and wind in my hair. Swimming in clear blue lakes or the salty invigorating ocean. Sunsets. I mean, it was revolutionary for me. As I wrote I had a realization. Remembering the things that make you feel joy reminds you of how easy and simple it is to enjoy life. And THAT realization makes you feel good on it's own. And remembering the things that make you feel good puts you in a good mood. It lifts your spirits...I believe, in the case of Prayer, that the gratitude part is meant to literally change your energy frequency higher, and so then whatever you ask for and want to manifest in your life is more powerful. Because you can't manifest the good that you want if you are not feeling good feelings.

Oh! By the WAY...I am going to be shortly starting a new blog, one about my personal spiritual journey to help other people in similar situations.

Christmas

I wish I didn't write what I did on my last post. It's not how I truly feel, it was only a passing mood. Why must I always write things I regret like that? It's a tick. It's a matter of being conscious while I write and having a clear idea of what I want to communicate, which I rarely do... I didn't read any one's comments before I deleted the post, because I'm sure they would only have embarrassed me more.

Since I wrote last, I have had many an uplifting and revitalizing experience - almost as if to prove to myself how wrong I had been in putting myself down. I have been progressing in meditating since I started to finally count my breath. Nothing else has been so successful in holding my attention for extended periods. So I've been able to have extended periods of revitalizing meditation often during the day - especially at work, where it has been most of the time very slow. The effect has been golden and magical. When I'm tired at work, I picture being bathed in brilliant light, the whole room being bathed in it, and myself breathing it in. It gives me a beautiful energy and keeps me from getting drained..in fact, my interactions with people are much more open, relaxed, natural and grounded...and I feel buoyant. Yay meditation. :D

On to Christmas! It was exceedingly stormy on Christmas Eve. The rain was 'sheeting', if you will. At work it was really dead. The girl who was working the adventure tours half of the building told me I could leave anytime i wanted because it was so dead and she knew that I had to drive over the summit. (Another thing I've noticed with meditating more like I have been, is that fortuitous events seem to happen way more often!) So, just like that I went from having to work until 5:30, to getting to leave at 2. It set the tone for an exciting Christmas to be set suddenly free like that. So Shawn came and got me and we were on our way within half an hour. The roads were dry and empty. Right at the summit of Sutton pass, someone had gone out of their way to place reindeer at random intervals at the sides of the highway. One was out in the middle of a swamp, one was up in a tree, etc. By the time we had reached Cathedral Grove it was twilight, and the empty roads gave a definite magical, Christmas Eve-y feel to the air.

We stopped in Parksville to drop off our Furry Bun, (the one with the striped orange tail)change, and grab a quick bite of Christmas Eve Tortiere. Shawn's parent's house was all lit up and festive and the mood was celebratory. They hadn't been expecting us nearly so soon, because Shawn hadn't let them know I had been let off. Meanwhile, Shawn was nervous because I had just told him about the candle ceremony, and he was picturing caroling door-to-door at strangers' houses. haha...er, NO. I am quite glad we don't carol that way...anyways, he did find out, just as I told him, that it all was not such a big deal. And the feeling is always so special when we do the candle ceremony, most people always end up sharing something, even if they're shy. My favourite moment was Elizabeth's exuberant outburst when she had the candle. And the Mudsy song, of course. Mom does not understand that it's perfect every time she sings it.

Back in Pville after all that, (which, I can't forget to mention how tasty the 'rogies that Stott made were)me and Shawn sat around the table and talked with France, his mom, who was up drinking some chamomile tea to help her stomach for awhile until she went to bed, and then we finished wrapping presents. I only had one to wrap, which I did as fast as possible, and then I threw myself into bed and was passed out in seconds.

The next thing, it was Christmas morning. Me and Shawn cuddled in bed for awhile, hearing his parents moving about making coffee and things in the kitchen. It was still dark out when we made our entrance into the kitchen for our own cups of coffee.
We drank our coffee and talked and the mood was high. Shawn rearranged the living room so that the love seat faced the couch with the coffee table in between, so we could all face each other. In his family, they take turns wearing the Santa hat - whoever wears it, passes out the presents. This year it was France. Both me and Shawn got very spoiled...I feel as if I especially did. Shawn's parents got me a HUGE amount of brushes...of all shapes and sizes. I will never have to buy brushes, ever again. I got beautiful clothes this year as well, an abundance of them. Shawn's parents got us a new duvet and duvet cover, which we were in desperate need of. Shawn got me the most lovely bracelet with bronze-y fresh water pearls, and a cute necklace of blue and turquoise glass beads, and a luscious sweater, and the cutest shirt of purple, with a boat neck and dandelions on it, who's stems look like dancing silhouettes of women. I also got a herbal bible from Shawn's parents...and a lot more that would probably bore people to tears to read, if I listed it all. I must mention the present that Laura got me and Shawn though, two super cute shirts,an awesome leather braided bracelet, a Christmassy egg of spearmint chapstick, and (for Shawn) The Charlie Brown Christmas..soundtrack AND the movie! This totally ended up being the theme underlying our Christmas day. We listened to it while opening presents, and during dinner, and in between we watched the movie. It was my first time watching the movie and I LOVED it.

I was only able to afford a few things for Shawn...some sturdy but fluffy slippers - the kind you can step outside in - and surf gloves which he was in desperate need of. He was super stolked, which, actually, he is the most true-hearted gift receiver I have ever met. It does not matter if you paint him a picture, get him something super pratical and necessary (in other words, boring) or spend a lot of money on something "nice" - he makes you feel so good for whatever it is. He has taught me a lot about love, and being loving. Shucks...

It was such a beautiful Christmas this year. To have Mudsy n' Pops back for it was special. I am so happy to have lived and taken part in it.

Last night I fell asleep early and then woke up at around midnight, unable to fall back asleep right away. So I was just lying there, when suddenly I heard commotion outside the opened window beside the bed, like scraping on frozen ground. So I got up to investigate. Peeking out between the curtains, I saw a stag standing still about 5 feet from me. There was a skittish doe scraping the ground and skittering around him, and he was obviously staying still and alert in order to guard her. It was so beautiful to see them so upclose, I felt special.

Me and Shawn got a tree today from the U-cut farm in Whiskey Creek. We tromped around for an hour and a half inspecting various "balls" (one of the shapes of tree we were looking for) and spruce-like trees, before we saw the perfect one. It really was one of the moments where you instantaneously know it's THE tree. That doesn't always happen. She "sang" to us. Shawn thought she looked more vivid than the other trees, and to ME she kind of shimmered and gave the definite impression that she was a lady-princess tree. Laugh if you must, but that's what happened.

Back home in Tofino...in mine and Shawn's new little cave, life moves prettty slowly. I got a job right in the nick of time in order to pay rent, but as it turns out, I won't get a substantial paycheck from it until the 1st of January. My "Christmas fund" paycheck will only comprise of two shifts. No, I am not prepared with any sort of cushion. With gardening this year, I didn't make enough for putting any sort of money away at all. So...this Christmas is going to be very simple for me. And I like that. I have no money to buy presents, so I don't even have presents to worry about, and can concentrate on the festiveness of the season! That's the plan, anyways. I'm thinking festive feasts and mulled wine and home-made eggnog. Decorations, popcorn and movies, crisp walks to look at the lights. Puzzles and card-writings and hot chocolate at night. Knitting scarves!! Ok, I could go on but I think I conveyed the jist.

On another note, I've never felt so poor. And although I'd rather have money, I can see the lessons of this period and I respect them. I mean, it's forced Shawn and I to cut completely our frivolous spending. Which is a hard habit to break when you have the money. Now, when we have money again we're already cured of the frivolous spending rut. If we're mindful about it. Which will help us save so much money, which will help us reach some of our goals. It's almost as if we intuitively created this situation because we knew it would take us where we want to go. Which only makes sense. Anyways, I'm being anti-social and must go.

I am sitting on a chair.

Why do not we keep in touch?

In real touch?

Anyways, since the age of 23, I started feeling these flashes of urgency. Most of the time I'd feel them while I was walking to downtown Victoria (which was an almost daily thing). All of a sudden I could perceive in clarity the endless repeating rut of escapism habits that was my day-to-day life, and it would leave me with a panicked feeling. (I think it was the start of me feeling my Saturn return!! In fact I'm sure of it. Astrology - if you don't know what a Saturn return is, look it up)

Around the time of turning 24, I was having a lot of trouble sleeping at night. The anxiety was becoming more and more persistent. It manifested itself as endless stabs (of anxiety) at night, turning my mind to think of anxiety-inducing things, but it was the over-all feeling of anxiety that produced these thoughts. And then one night I fixated on something that calmed me down all at once. I had followed the feeling of anxiety to it's core: my life, wasting away entirely un-lived. Tofino flashed into my mind, how I felt so drawn to it and how I couldn't let go of the desire to live there. I suddenly understood that following this desire was totally legitimately connected to living life fully. If it's a passion of mine to live close to nature, and in the most beautiful place I've ever seen, then living my whole life in the city wouldn't make sense. Why would I do that? Following your passion - I like that better than "desire". Although Joseph Campbell says it best with "follow your bliss". The fact that I felt so strongly about Tofino, and that there wasn't anything else I felt so strongly about in my life, all of a sudden gave me clear direction.

Recently (after reading the "Celestine Prophecy" books) I've been inspired to look at my life as one long story, looking at patterns and major events. And of course what was immediately evident was how aimless and without purpose I have been. I've been unconsciously wandering around, looking for a purpose...and when I couldn't find anything that produced enough drive, passion, motivation etc needed to become real I finally landed on this: My ultimate goal is to have my own piece of land and to be self-sufficient on it so that I can have free time. Free time basically became my ultimate goal. "free time". I think that ultimate goal was the product of a life void of mystery and magic. An un-mystical, un-magical, un-compassionate world is too exhausting and discouraging and dead and gray to live in. I only wanted a haven from it.

Since moving to Tofino, it has really moved me into what I think of as the 'stream' or 'flow'. I know this because personal stagnation and the ruts I've been hiding in, all are slowly changing. And the tools for helping me to do this have appeared as gifts from the new people I've been meeting since I followed my "bliss". (I'm going to stop with the quotations now). They've just come to me, naturally. Since I've been here, I've been awakening to the fact that this place is even more special than I thought before. It is so rare to have any virgin forests left with 1000 year old trees in them (it's rare for there to be 500 year old trees together in any number!). And what's more, so many people are drawn to this area, from all over the world. I believe there's a reason for this! And I'm beginning to see that it must have been part of my purpose (what I wanted to do in this lifetime...accomplish, contribute)to keep these pure places from being destroyed. Just like all the people that are drawn to live here, or visit repeatedly..people that just can't stay away, because (I think) they are addicted to the energy of these whole places. It becomes really important to them that these places are preserved so that we can continue to enjoy them and experience them (in no other place is it as easy to have a spiritual experience than in untarnished, whole, natural places). So many people are drawn to this place (I think) because the more people that experience this truth for themselves, the more of a force will build up of people who will feel passionately about protecting it.

So...following my bliss started me on a path that has eventually changed my view of my life from THIS: "there's no specific purpose for my being alive, all I need to do is to make myself as comfortable as possible so that I can enjoy life"

to THIS: "I have a purpose, a reason I came to this earthly dimension - something only my life is capable of contributing, and I need to find what it is!"

So, that's pretty good...I'd say...

This post is so serious-sounding because I feel seriously about this, I'm sorry if it translates into arrogance...I'm always unconsciously wanted to sound grown-up so that the older ones in my fam (...oh wait, that's EVERYONE) will take me seriously. :D Youngest child syndrome.

knife edge

Life is changeful and upheavalish right now. Unpredictable and shake-you-up feeling.


Me and Shawn found a basement suite in what's called 'vinyl village' (a few residential streets that are privately owned and so houses are built crazily close together in some areas. the whole thing started with some vinyl houses so that's why it's called that). The house our suite is in is a beautiful aged wood home, and our suite is tucked in around back and feels nice and private. For the most part. It has big windows but still is dark as it faces directly into wild forest. I like looking at wild forest out my window, though. We are missing a few essentials, but for the most part are set up. fluffy bun (Eastre) feels terrorized by all the cats she sees roaming about out the window. She's slowly settling in though.

Before we were able to move in, because we had to wait 2 weeks for reno's, we ended up staying in a cabin right on the water. It was on the property that one of our gardening customers takes care of, and she rescued us by letting us stay there and pay for it by some free work around the property. It's such a beautiful little private corner, soo beautiful, set on a point that allowes you to see all of Clay-o-quat sound, as well as a view up Lemmon's Inlet. The cabin was tiny and even more so with our moving boxes piled all around, but I was on this huge domestic kick and kept it clean and organized. It helped that one entire wall looked out to the water. Also on the property was the old original fish cannery building, painted a bright red. Upstairs it has been converted to a suite and it's unbelievable. I have since been dreaming of a way to live there. I am obsessed these days with finding a home. The Cancer coming out in me. It's my greatest egoic desire. a peice of land or a house to own and make a home.